The Empty Box and Zeroth Maria -
Book 1: Chapter 18
27,755th Time
“I have to kill myself.”
I repeat this mantra to myself frantically. I have no other choice. It’s the only way to keep the false “me” from taking control again.
I give up on everything.
I can’t think of any other way to atone for the things I’ve done.
There’s a knife stuck in my body.
I’m lying on top of Kazu where he’s sprawled on the ground. His face is so close. Eyes wide, he finally notices what I’ve done.
Don’t look at me like that.I try to smile and put him at ease, but I realize I no longer can. It’s been so long since I smiled or cried.
The warmth bleeds from my body. Everything inside me is draining out. I hope the despicable things inside me will all be purged, too.
“I’ll never leave you in this place by yourself!”Thank you, but I know that isn’t possible. It was never possible from the very beginning.
You knew that, right? After all…
…I’ve been dead this whole time.
0th Time
Ah. I’m about to die.
Time seems to drag on interminably as I lie where I landed after the truck sent me flying. There’s no surviving an impact like that. I’m going to die. This is the end.
N-no…
I’ve wished I was dead plenty of times before, but those were foolish thoughts from someone who never seriously considered what dying really means.
Death. The end. Nothing more after this point. I’m learning how terrifying all of this is in my final moments.
If this is what dying is, then I wish I could have died before love changed my world.
But I know love now…
I have a purpose…
I haven’t even been able to reach out to the one these feelings are for…
It’s all too horrible.
“Hmm, well, isn’t this an interesting situation.”
A man (or maybe a woman?) suddenly appears. I have no idea how they got here. Why are they able to speak to me like this is normal? It’s unclear where they are in relation to me. I turn around and around, but I can’t even tell what direction I’m facing. All the same, I know their eyes never leave me. None of this is possible. No, that isn’t true. This is some other place. The strange person is right in front of me, but I can’t figure out where that is. This place is perfectly nondescript, yet special.
“No, I’m not talking about your accident. That kind of thing happens all over the world. What interests me is the fact that the accident took place next to a certain boy who caught my eye.”
What is this person talking about?
I’ve heard of people seeing apparitions before they die, but never anyone being transported to some strange place to have a conversation like this.
I wonder if this person is a spirit of death or something.
The figure before me looks like no one, but at the same, I feel like they could become anyone.
There’s one thing I’m certain of, however: This person is wonderful.
Silhouette, voice, scent—I find everything about this mysterious figure enchanting.
“I’m curious about something. How will he react to a Box used near him? Oh, and I am rather intrigued to see how you would use one, too. All humans interest me, you see, even if just in passing.”
None of this makes any sense to me, but I can see the person smile.
“Do you have a wish?”
A wish?
Of course I do.
“This is a Box that can make any wish come true.”
I accept the item.
I can tell it’s real the moment I touch it. I know there’s no way I could ever give it up.
Please, even if my fate can’t be changed, please at least allow me to go back and redo a few things. Even just the previous day is fine. There’s still something I need to do. If I can do that day over again, I know I can tell him how I feel. And if I do that, I know I won’t have any regrets, no matter the outcome. Please, just give me back a little bit of time. I know it’s impossible to undo what’s already happened, but that’s still what I want.
Once I’ve voiced my wish, the Box opens its lid like the mouth of some carnivorous beast before fading from sight into the surrounding space.
Yes, okay. That should be fine.
“Heh-heh…”
The person with the charming laugh gives a brief opinion of my wish before vanishing.
“Why do they always hold back…?”
And with that, I’m ejected from that wholly unmemorable yet fantastic place.
I arrive in a dark, damp chamber that reeks with the odor of countless corpses left to rot. The uncomfortable room makes even a jail cell seem like heaven. I’m sure I’ll collapse if I spend even an hour here. Soon enough, though, everything becomes a bright white, as if the room is being painted over. The color is so pure, I can’t see the boundaries of the room anymore. A scent like incense made from sugar candy drives out the foul smell. With each blink, the space gains a blackboard, desks, chairs, and other classroom fixtures. Once everything is in place, all that’s left to do is summon the necessary people, the ones who were in the classroom the day before. Once they’re here, we can do it all over. I can redo yesterday.
But no matter how much everything is plastered over, this will still be that chamber worse than a prison cell.
This is my afterlife, packed full of white, white, sweet hope.
That’s why I have to do it. If there’s no chance of accomplishing my heart’s desire, then before all these pretty decorations are stripped away, before my disgraceful actions come to light, I have to destroy this Box with my own hands.
5,000th Time
“Why not just kill them?”
When I ask Haruaki for advice, he jokingly answers with an outlandishly stupid idea.
6,000th Time
“Why not just kill them?”
When I ask Haruaki for advice, he jokingly answers with the same breakthrough he’s given me I don’t know how many times.
7,000th Time
“Why not just kill them?”
Haruaki jokingly answers with a perfectly reasonable theory.
8,000th Time
“Why not just kill them?”
Haruaki jokingly answers as if to reiterate his logic.
9,000th Time
“Why not just kill them?”
Haruaki jokingly answers me with truth in my most desperate hour.
9,999th Time
He’s already told me himself the method I’ll use to get rid of him.
“You’re looking for a way to make sure that you and a certain person never run into each other again?”
Haruaki has presented many ideas. I listen to them until my ears are numb. In the end, we reach the conclusion we always do: The best way is to make one of the people involved feel shame toward the other person. And then, also as always, Haruaki suggests a way to create a sense of guilt.
“Why not just kill them?”
My back is against the wall, and Haruaki jokingly answers with a final recourse.
“As a last resort. But, I mean, if you kill them, it won’t be a question of bumping into them or not anymore!”
Why do I have to reject Haruaki? Because I feel getting rid of him will have the greatest effect on Kazu and me.
Living in that world is like playing an endless game ofTetris. At first, I worked hard to get as many points as I could. And it was fun, too. But after a while, I stopped caring. It’s just a game in the end, so whether I get a lot of points or not, everything is going to be reset at some point, and I’ll have to start from the beginning. Nothing ever changes, even if I get a game over. I still try to find ways to have fun, but even that approach has its limits. It gets boring. It gets tedious. It gets obnoxious. It gets painful. I don’t even feel like rotating the blocks anymore. It doesn’t matter. It truly doesn’t, but no matter how many times I reach my limit, I can’t stop. If I do, I’ll die. I can’t let that happen. I have to accomplish what I set out to do. I have to meet today with no regrets. That’s why I have to change the systems and try something else.
Haruaki is one such important part of the structure.
“……Hey, can you tell me how to create guilt again?”
“…C’mon, Kasumi, what’s wrong with you? I don’t mind, but still…”
Haruaki says it like he always does.
“Why not just kill them?”
This is the thousandth time he’s given this answer.
He’s right. This is the only choice. Mm-hmm, there’s nothing that can be done.You’ll understand, right? But then again, it’s a little late for that now.
—You want me to kill you, right?
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