The Accidental Necromancer
Showers, no May Flowers

As it turned out, it was very late at night, or early in the morning, depending on how you looked at it, when our work was done, and Valeria and I were dead tired.

I tried out the Endurance spell and was refreshed. I suppose with my dress now leaving most of my thighs bare, it was enhanced a little, even if the reason for my ultra-short skirt was completely unerotic.

But I couldn’t help Valeria, and she was bushed. “Abby, as much as I want to do, um, you know, I think I should get some rest.”

Talos was moving around now, if not well. His skin was still very sensitive, and it hurt him to do practically anything. Kathy was clucking after him like a mother hen, and he kept telling her he was fine, but he didn’t seem to really mind her attention.

The gate was totally unguarded, and I decided that I’d head back with Gren, who had gotten some rest while Val and Inka and I dealt with the bodies. Lesseth hopped into my bag. The others camped outside one more time, just inside the forest.

Before we left, I took each of the orcs aside for a charmed conversation, and they all agree that the others could be trusted, basically because of cultural notions about honor that seemed fucked up to me. They also all leered at my now largely bare legs, and I got the feeling they were watching me to see if my skirt rode up and they could catch a glimpse of what Gren had told them about. Fortunately, it wasn’t that short. At least, not if I was careful.

I was pretty sure Valeria and Xyla could handle the orcs if it came to it. I also left nine zombies, three each with orders to protect Val, Xyla, and Talos respectively, and told the orcs that Valeria was in charge in my absence, but that they were to stay with her and follow her directions for now. Then I introduced the orcs to Xyla, and filled her in on all that had happened.

“Kathy!” she shouted. “You saved the day!” She ran over to where Kathy was fussing over Talos and half-hugged, half tackled her. Kathy lost hold of the blanket, and it fell to the ground.

“Uh, I’m naked,” Kathy said.

“So you are!” Xyla exclaimed. “Boobies!” She gave a little shimmy, rubbing hers against Kathy’s, with the result that two previously carefully placed leaves fluttered down on top of the blanket.

I have to admit, live women have their points.

“Yeah?” I asked, hoping Enash was maturing.

And those points could cut glass!

Right. I should have known better.

I took a dress out of my bag, and placed it on the blanket, so that Kathy would have something to wear, and then decided to make an announcement to get Xyla to leave Kathy alone.

“Valeria and I are getting married tomorrow. Or later today. As soon as we’re both recovered from all of this.”

Xyla turned and screamed, wordlessly, and for a moment I thought she was upset.

I should have known better. She knocked me to the ground with the force of her charge. “I’m so happy for you!” she said.

Now everyone was getting a view. The orcs pretended not to look, but I suspected they got at least a little verification of what Gren was talking about, and as Xyla rubbed against me, the little verification got bigger.

It was a strange world, having one woman grind on me after announcing my intention to marry another.

Gren walked over and pulled Xyla off. Xyla promptly tackled Valeria. “Squee!” she yelled. “Sister wife!”

“So,” Gren said. “We’re married too, right? I mean, trolls don’t really marry, usually, but I figured since I was carrying your kid.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Want a ceremony?”

Gren shook her head. “Nah. Like I said, not really a troll thing. But I live with you now, and want to pay attention to your customs when they aren’t stupendously stupid.”

“Um, thanks.”

“Also, if I asked for a ceremony, I’d have to insist it was before Val’s, and then the poor girl would have to wait to take your dangerous dick. She might die of lust.”

“I don’t think that’s a thing.”

“Right. Anyway, so. I’m glad you’re my wife.”

“I’m glad you’re mine.”

“Simple,” Gren said.

“We should probably rescue Valeria.”

Gren nodded. “Hey! Xyla! Abby and I are married now too! And I’m having his baby!”

Xyla charged across the clearing again, and I sidestepped out of the way and walked over to Val.

“No regrets about pushing things back a little?”

“It’s for the best,” she said. “I want to be clean and lovely and radiant for you, Abby. And also?”

“Yes?”

“I want you to be clean and lovely and radiant for me. Where you get your energy from, I don’t know, but you could use a bath, just like I could.”

“Yep. The energy is from a new spell.”

We kissed, and took our time about it. Then Gren and I headed out, down forest paths. We still had a few hours to walk, and in the dark, at that. A huge trailing group of zombies followed us.

Fortunately, I had a flashlight.

We got back to the gate, and all was in order. I arranged my army around the place. I couldn’t tell them not to let anyone through, because of course I wanted my friends to be able to get back, and zombies weren’t very good at distinguishing people. I could tell them to guard one person, but to tell them to let all of several people through, but no one else, wasn’t possible. Still, they looked formidable.

I wanted to stay Abby, but I wanted to be clean more. When I told Gren what I wanted to do, she wanted to come with me. Lesseth popped out of the bag to stay on watch.

Gren and I had a very nice, soapy shower, but I couldn’t help but wish I was doing it in Abby’s body, rather than Abel’s.

We slept down in the crypt, not bothering with clothes, and Lesseth cuddled up on the other side of me.

I day-dreamed about water pumps, water towers, and hot showers and baths in Amaranth. It wasn’t impossible. I required some power, and I had two possible sources, electrical, and zombie.

As Lesseth squirmed against me I wondered if she could be something like a hot bath all by herself. Probably. I really should get sleep, but the Endurance spell was a bit like having five cups of coffee.

But I forced myself to try, and eventually I managed to drop off.

I woke up to the sound of the door creaking open.

“Shhh. She’s still sleeping,” Gren whispered.

“I’m awake,” I said, sitting up.

“So you are,” said Val from the bed. “You want to give our new friends a show, or would you rather put clothes on first?”

All your spells get more effective!

I ignored Enash. “Give me a few minutes,” I said.

Gren was already dressed, and she and Lesseth watched me frankly as I pulled on panties, shorts, a bra, and a halter top. “Start the coffee?” I suggested, feeling Gren needed something to do.

When I was dressed, with cute little half-socks with Minnie Mouse on them, and sneakers, I opened the door.

Valeria kissed me briefly, but I knew from her smile that the briefness wasn’t from lack of affection. Talos, behind her, was looking much better. Valeria’s mana had presumably recharged during the night, which meant more magical healing for Talos. Kathy had her arm locked with his.

“Good to see you back on your feet, Talos,” I said.

“Good to be back.” He smiled at Kathy.

With some trepidation, I welcomed Inka, Kendala, and Gruush to my home.

“We are going upstairs,” Kathy said. “We need a shower.”

“I’ll go with you,” Val said.

“Um, no, you won’t,” Kathy said quickly. “Maybe Abby is all about sharing, but I’m not.”

Val frowned.

“Kathy,” I said, “why don’t you and Talos shower at your place.”

“That was the plan, yes.”

“And Valeria can shower at mine.”

“May I ask a question?” Kendala asked.

“You’ll waste less time if you just ask questions, rather than asking if you can ask them,” I told her.

She nodded. “What’s a shower?”

“I’ll build one that you can see, sometime.” And use. But I didn’t want to be visualizing my employees naked, so I moved on. “It sprays warm water on you to clean you. Okay, let’s see. We’ve got work to do. Someone should show Inka how to use the stove, if she’s going to do some cooking.” I realized that would probably be me. “Gruush, what do you need to start making bricks?”

He needed a source of clay, of course, and he had a decent idea of where to find one. And a sunny place to dry them. All of that would probably be best done outside the forest, and I had an idea to build a building in or near the troll village, to serve as something of an embassy and storage facility.

Gren volunteered to take Gruush to where he needed to go.

A blacksmith sounded useful at the time. But I honestly didn’t know what to do with Kendala. Most of what she could make would be better made on Earth. For now, I sent her off with Gruush and Gren, where her obvious strength might be useful.

I had never, ever, wanted to run a company, but everyone seemed to look to me for leadership, and I was simply feeling frazzled. As Gren left I realized that by the time it got to Kendala, I was just happy to send her off somewhere, anywhere, to do something remotely useful.

I turned to talk to Valeria, but she had already gone upstairs to use the shower, it seemed, which left me alone with Inka and Lesseth.

I showed Inka how to use the stove. “Just assume it’s magic,” I told her, when she wanted to know how it worked. “It’s easier that way.”

We made breakfast together, with Lesseth watching. Inka asked lots of good questions, and I didn’t have to give her the answers more than once. I’d trained people to do home repair, and had an idea of just how rare that was. By the time Valeria came down, clean and refreshed, there was some bacon and some decent scrambled eggs, which Inka had mostly made with my help.

I noticed that Valeria was wearing a flower-print dress I’d gotten for her from the thrift store. It fit her snugly in the bust, a little loose around the hips. I could do better for her, and when I got time, I would, but she was beaming, and I had to admit it looked super cute.

“The bacon is good,” Inka said. “But the eggs are pretty bland.”

I passed the pepper grinder, which I’d shown her how to use earlier, and when the eggs were more black than yellow on top, she was finally satisfied. It gave me an uneasy feeling about what orc cooking was like.

On the other hand, maybe they’d enjoy hot sauce. I was always on the lookout for another trade good.

I put my arm around Valeria, and she smiled at me. “So busy,” she said. “But duty always comes first, doesn’t it?”

Duty. I didn’t want to have duties. I had no problem with filling my days with hard work, and I thought I was pretty responsible. I believed in kindness. But duty? Bleah.

“Today should be your day,” I said.

She shrugged.

I made up my mind. I sent Inka with directions to follow Gren and the other orcs. If she wanted to run off, better that she get it over with, but I hoped she’d stay, because she was a quick learner. Thinking it over, I decided that I should give each of the orcs an unguarded chance to escape. I’d told them they could, of course, but it was possible they didn’t believe me.

Then I changed my clothes, putting on a skirt and a nice blouse. I wanted to be presentable, and with my best dress torn and my second best dress loaned to Kathy, it was the best I could do. I didn’t have any long skirts, and given my new Seductress ability, maybe that was for the best.

“Let’s go find Xyla,” I told her.