The Accidental Necromancer
White and Black

“Wouldn’t it be nicer if everyone was present?” Valeria asked.

Of course it would be. I was, um, thinking like a guy.

So we went shopping, instead. We shopped for dresses, and then I dropped Valeria off at the hair salon so she could get pampered. She loved the idea, and honestly, I was kind of jealous. Abel’s body increasingly felt like one I only occupied on occasion, and it seemed unfair, somehow, that I couldn’t walk in and get Abby’s hair done. I wondered if getting Abel’s nails painted would cause Abby’s to be pretty colors too, but it still would feel super awkward to even try.

So I left Valeria and went to the garden store to buy seeds, then hit the hardware store to order some lumber to start an expansion of the crypt. At my third stop I bought an eBike with mountain bike tires, figuring that it might be usable over the trails in the forest, and it would make getting around a little faster. Maybe I could teach some of my girls – no, my wives – to use it too. If so I could buy more. I had a vision of Gren firing a bow from aboard a bicycle.

Zombie bicycle cavalry. I shook my head. It would never work, because using a bicycle would be way too complicated for them. I still didn’t know what I was going to do with over a hundred zombies. They could perform simple work, but it had to be very simple, and only I could direct them.

Then I hit the drug store and bought some nail polish. I got a funny look.

“For my wives,” I said, and got a funnier one, but this one was funny to me, too.

I picked up Valeria from the salon, and I had to admit she looked fantastic.

In the basement on the way back, I changed into Abby before I expected to. The magic area was growing. I marked the spot by putting Abel’s clothes there, but soon I’d have to do some measurements and experimentation to figure out the rate of growth. I knew why I was putting it off – I didn’t like changing back and forth, and that was my main way of observing the growth of the “magic field” as I thought of it.

We managed to round everyone up in the evening, so as the sun set I found myself in the same clearing where Xyla and I had made love the first time. That felt a bit odd, but it really was the nicest place. Standing around in a circle were Gren, Lesseth, Talos, Kathy, and the three orcs who were the latest additions to our circle of friends.

Gren wanted to delay things to get Gavabar and some of the trolls, too, and Valeria and I vetoed that. Inka suggested that Zargaza would like to be there, and that, too, we nixed. We’d waited long enough, and we were done waiting.

Xyla presided over the ceremonies in what she thought was wear appropriate to a formal occasion, which meant she had daisies covering her nipples, and her crotch was covered with pink, rose-like flowers.

Valeria was in a white, off-the shoulder dress that showed a little cleavage and all of her toned shoulders. She had her hair done up in some kind of fancy bun, and her lips were painted bright red. She looked amazing, and she had the biggest smile on her face.

I stood to the other side of Xyla, in a dress that matched Valeria in cut, more or less, but was black. I still didn’t see the sense in having a dress that you could only wear for one day. My nails were painted black, and so were my lips. I was a necromancer, and I was going to stay on brand.

If we had brought the zombies, we could have had a big wedding, I suppose.

“Earth weddings start with someone saying ‘Mawwidge,’” Gren told Xyla. “You really draw the word out. I saw it in a movie.”

“This is an Amaranth wedding,” I said firmly. “Just wing it, Xyla.”

Xyla shrugged. “I have no idea what to do!”

“Uh, start by saying why we’re here, then ask us if we both want to be married, then tell us we are hus—uh, wives, and tell us to kiss.”

“Okay,” Xyla said.

She looks hot in those flowers. Maybe you should bang the officiant before the wedding.

Ah, yes, we were in the presence of Enash, too.

“So, um, everybody! This is my forest, so I get to marry this hot chick with a dick, Abby, who by the way I’m already married to, to this kinky paladin, so that they can fuck without violating Valeria’s moral code, even though she already lets Abby tie her up and cum all over her.” Xyla made a little motion, jabbing her middle finger repeatedly through a circle made with the thumb and index finger of the other hand.

“We should have written a script, perhaps,” I whispered to Valeria.

Valeria nodded, and gave me a little shrug. She was still beaming at me.

“That’s um, why we’re here! So, on with it!” Xyla said. “Valeria, do you take this gorgeous sexy woman, Abby, to be your wife, and promise not to hog her, but make sure her other wives get some now and then?” Xyla had a look of wide innocence on her face; a little too wide and a little too innocent. She knew perfectly well what she was doing.

“Um, I do,” Valeria said, suppressing a laugh.

“And do you, Abby, take this voluptuous warrior to be your wife and a part of your harem, and promise to protect your other wives because she could probably break any of us  in two – I mean, just look at those muscles! Um, anyway, do you promise to tie her down and fuck her hard?”

Valeria was still beaming at me, but her smile twitched a little when I paused to think about Xyla’s wording.

“I do,” I said, and Valeria relaxed.

“Yes!” Xyla said, pumping her fist. “Okay, well, this is my forest, and what I say goes, and I say you two are irrevocably bonded for life, wife and wife.” She grinned. “See, that rhymes. And now you kiss? Just kiss?”

“Just kiss. For now,” I said firmly.

“Lots of tongue, though,” Xyla said. “And I think there should be groping.”

“Furious fondling,” Gren agreed.

“Soft wet tongues, sliding against each other,” Lesseth said. “I just love any kind of fluid exchange.”

We kissed, and I was content to keep it kind of chaste, but Valeria wasn’t having any of that. Perhaps she felt she should follow authority when possible.

Or possibly she just liked kissing me. Her chest pressed and squished against mine, and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I did the same, and as we kissed, tongues dancing a wet dance between us, she slipped her hands lower, until she was cupping my ass.

My cock stirred, and I knew she could feel it against her belly. She shimmied a bit, rubbing against me.

“Okay, everyone,” Xyla said. “Let’s give these two the illusion of privacy.” Her voice dropped, but I could still hear her. “I’ll show you all the best places to watch from.”

“But Xyla, they should be alone for their first fucking,” Gren said.

“You can’t tell me you don’t want to watch this,” Xyla said.

“I definitely do,” said one of the orcs. I thought it was Kendala.

An beefy orc rushed into the clearing. He was wearing leather armor, and had a sword in each hand, and he was rushing straight toward me. I recognized him as Druk, the orc who had wanted to be enslaved.

Kendala shouted, “Druk, no! You dishonor me!”

“You won’t have her!” the orc shouted.

I grabbed Valeria and teleported out of the way, leaving Druk swinging at mid-air.

“What the heck?” Valeria asked.

“It’s like a superhero wedding,” I said. “Someone has to start a fight. Game of Thrones, Fantastic Four.” Given that I could teleport out of the way, it was hard to take the situation completely seriously.

Druk whirled, looking for me.

Kendala walked in between us. “Druk, Queen Abby chose me. Zargaza traded me to her, and our tribe is bound by her decision. Go, and do not dishonor me further.”

“One way or the other,” Druk said, “She shall not have you!” And he charged again, and this time Kendala was the target.

It quit being funny.

Valeria acted first, tackling Kendala out of the way.

Charm Person.

It made him hesitate just enough.

Talos, who seemed to have felt that his full armor was the most formal wear he had, walked forward and conked him on the head with a mailed fist. He slumped, which saved his life, as Gren’s arrow grazed his scalp and went on to thunk in a nearby tree.

“Dammit! That’s two misses in a row!” Gren said.

Vines wrapped around the poor orc, pinning his arms.

“Would you like me to burn him with acid, my love?” Lesseth asked. “I understand it’s very painful.”

You should fuck Kendala in front of him and have her talk about how much better a lover you are while you do it.

I shook my head, answering both of them.

“We’ll take him away,” Talos said. “Don’t worry about it. This is your day, Valeria.”

Valeria smiled. “Thank you, Talos. And no peeking.”

“What?” Xyla said.

“Come on,” Gren said. “We’ll take him to a cell. And we can watch strangers fucking there, if you like. I know how to find some on the laptop.”

Trolls on the internet. Still, this time it was useful.

“But if it’s not a woman with a penis, it’s not the same,” Xyla insisted.

“Oh, they have those. I’m sure I can find a video with several of them.”

“Several?” Xyla asked. “Well…”

Talos took Druk’s weapons away. Lesseth told Druk she could turn into acid at any time, and that she’d be right next to him. She shifted into a black substance that reminded me of tar.

Xyla let him go, and the rest of them marched him away.

“Wait,” I said.

“What?” Gren asked.

“Don’t take him to the cell. I don’t want him to see inside there, or even know where it is. Take him to the troll village, perhaps? I’m sure they can hold one orc for a day. I’ll talk about him to Zargaza, and see what she wants to do with him. Tomorrow.”

Gren nodded. “Good plan. But the movies –”

“I don’t want to watch the movies,” Talos said, taking one of Druk’s arms. “So Lesseth and I can take care of him.”

Lesseth put her hand on Druk’s other arm, and it definitely looked like whatever she was, it was sticky. “Can I watch some other time?” she asked.

“I’ll teach you how to find them for yourself,” Gren promised.

“Kendala,” I asked, “What do you think should be done with him?”

“He should be flayed alive for bringing dishonor to our tribe. Then, while he still lives, he should be covered with biting ants. Should he lose consciousness, he should be fed special potions so that he stays awake, and to enhance his pain. When he finally dies, he should be pulled in four different directions, so that his body is in pieces and will not be whole in the afterlife.”

How does it feel to be surrounded by women who are smarter than you?

“But,” said Druk, woozily. “I love you.”

“Property should not be loved,” Kendala said firmly. She walked forward, and spat in Druk’s eyes.

“Um, don’t agree,” I said.

“Of course, Queen Abby,” Kendala said, “if you wish to turn him into a zombie then you may wish to skip the ritual quartering.”

“What? Um stop that!”

Gruush and Inka had stepped forward to spit on Druk, as well, and they finished before I could stop him. I hadn’t expected them to expectorate.

“Sorry,” Gruush and Inka said to me.

“Please don’t punish me,” Gruush said.

“But we have done wrong, apparently,” Inka said. “It is right for us to be punished if we went against Abby’s wishes.”

“You are right, sister slave,” Gruush said.

“Employees! No s-word!”

“Sorry,” said Gruush. “I submit to whatever punishment you deem fit for using the forbidden word.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Best tell them I’m in charge,” Gren said. “I’ll take them away.”

“Gren’s in charge for now.” I was ready for a break.

“C’mon, guys, let’s go watch porn,” Gren told the orcs.

They followed her. Talos and Lesseth took their prisoner toward the troll village. And at last, Valeria and I were left alone.

“You brought rope in your bag, right?” Valeria asked.

“Of course,” I said. “That’s the first thing on your mind?”

“Well,” she said. “Yes.”