The Accidental Necromancer
C’mon. Show Me.

So I had leverage with Kathy, in that she’d do anything to come back. And I had none, in that I’d give her almost anything to keep my secret.

I figured we could call it even.

“I’m fine with you coming here, but I want you to have an escort when you’re walking around the forest.”

“Because you don’t trust me?”

“Because you’re level zero, and things happen sometimes. Xyla says there are bears, even though I haven’t met one yet. You can’t carry a gun here, so someone needs to protect you. And that someone probably has something else they could be doing – so you’ll need to pitch in a little.”

“That’s fair, I suppose. Abby, did you have me under some kind of spell earlier?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I had to protect my friends. And myself.”

Kathy nodded. “But I’m not under it now? It ran out, and you can’t keep it up?”

I hadn’t had anyone complain about that for a while. “I turned it off. The spell is called Charm Person, and it influences you to believe me, and think of me as your friend. It doesn’t control you, or anything, but it’s definitely pushing the line of what I think of as ethical. Especially with someone who I do, in fact, actually think of as a friend, and neighbor.”

“Ah. Well thank you for that. We’re still friends? Even though I stole your keys and snuck into your basement?”

“Uh, yeah. But you had your reasons. You said you saw – Kathy, how exactly did you see any of that?”

“Your basement has windows.”

“But they face my backyard. And they are murky as hell. You’d have to be right up next to them.”

“Yep.”

I took a deep breath. “So, we are still friends. Even though you spied on me from my own backyard.” I didn’t like her right then, but it was be her friend or find a way to dispose of the body. Okay, actually, disposal would be easy. But I wasn’t going to murder her.

Little forgiving Abby. Have you even tried bringing a zombie to your world? It’s possible you could have her walk around as undead and be seen so as to give you a perfect alibi. Then she could die in an exotic dancing club or something. I did that with an elvish princess I wanted to kill, once. They have clubs like that in the elvish cities. Of course, I had a higher level spell, so her walking corpse wasn’t quite so gray.

Kathy sighed. “Look, you were up to something shady, right? All that lumber in the basement? So when Roxy and Rover went over, I gave into temptation to peek. And then I saw the hole. And that was more shady, so I put on my Nancy Drew hat and investigated. What would you have done?”

That was a good question. “Well, what’s done is done,” I said. “And now you’re here. Welcome to the team.”

“But you don’t trust me.”

I thought of striking a cynical pose and telling her I didn’t trust anyone, but it wasn’t true. Besides, I had to trust her.

“You know,” she said, “when I was under a spell, I thought you were really sexy. It was weird, because I’m not really into chicks. The idea doesn’t revolt me, or anything, and I could do a three – nevermind, the point is I like men. I mean, you’re a chick with a dick, I guess, but still. Anyway, then, well, I can see you’re super hot, but I’m not into you anymore. Because the spell went away?”

“Could be,” I said. “From the description, I don’t think it would make someone attracted to women who wasn’t at all. But if there was something to work with, sure, it would magnify that.”

“Something to work with,” Kathy said. “Yeah. Alright. Huh. You know, as Abel you’re pretty hunky. But now it’s weird.”

I smiled. “We’ll just have to see how that goes,” I said. I wasn’t pining to get inside her panties. I might have forgiven her, and I had to trust her, but she wasn’t my favorite person right then. That might be unfair, because I would have been curious about my odd neighbor, too, but I still resented her spying on me.

By noon we admitted we were hungry. We’d both skipped breakfast, and even the clean air of the forest doesn’t sustain one without food. We returned to find the couch in the crypt, and the two zero gravity chairs set up outside. Talos was sitting in one of them, wearing just his pants. Of them all, I probably trusted him the least, but there he was, just lounging when he could have run away. Of course, Xyla might track him down if he didn’t get out of the forest in time, but as far as I knew it had been the first time he’d been left alone and out of a cage since the day I met him. I hadn’t been thinking about that when I told Xyla she could take Valeria, and Gren that she could visit her dad, and then wandered off myself with Kathy.

I was glad he hadn’t decided to leave. I kinda liked the guy. And, also, there was the question of where he’d run off to, and who he’d talk to once he got there. The fact that he hadn’t left made me trust him more, and trust Valeria more, too.

“Hi Abby,” he said cheerily. “Hi Kathy. I’m just catching some rays. Want me to cover up?”

I left that one to Kathy, who said, “Hell no,” and stared at Talos for an extra second.

Well, that was interesting.

Kathy’s phone buzzed, and so did mine. We had just gotten to the edge of the range of the wifi. I glanced at mine, saw it was a text from Jill. A selfie. Nothing indecent, just a little cleavage and a smile. I smiled at the phone, and then felt silly because of course she couldn’t see me. I wondered how Jill would take Amaranth. She was naturally curious, without being nosy, and I think she’d be fascinated. I knew I could trust her with a secret. But Jill would never leave Boston, so there was no point.

Maybe she’d leave Boston for a magical gate to another world, though.

“It’s Jane. She wants to be sure I’m okay,” Kathy said.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yes, if I can come down here whenever I want?“

“Are you blackmailing me?”

“No, silly, I already told her I was fine, and not to worry, and that I might be out of signal a bit today.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

“I know you don’t think much of me right now Abel. I admit I’ve been sneaky. But all in what I thought was a good cause, and I could have just called the cops and let them deal with it.”

Instead, she’d put herself at risk. “We can exchange keys. And please, call me Abby down here.”

“She/her?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s get lunch. You know, this has really changed the way I think about you. You being like this. All, with boobs and everything. Even without the world, that would be weird enough, but the gate, your green and blue friends, magical healing paladins that look like romance covers, intelligent squirrels, everything… it’s a lot, you know?”

“Xyla says Nutty isn’t that smart. That I’m just projecting.”

“That doesn’t change much. Especially on an empty stomach.”

I got the hint, and there was nothing but drinks, really, in the fridge in the tomb. “Let’s go back to Earth, then.”

“We can come back?”

“We can come back.” She seemed really worried about that.

“Okay, then. You know, you should put in some stairs or something. I could have broken my neck, instead of my legs.”

“It’s not like I want to encourage people to drop in,” I said. “I’m sorry you got hurt, but –”

“Yeah, I get it. Anyway, it would make it easier to get stuff up and down, too.”

I’d thought of that before. It seemed I always had plenty of projects, and building a staircase wasn’t a small one. “Will you help?”

“I don’t know anything about building stairs.”

“I do. If you can pound in a nail straight, you can do some of the work. Habitat for Humanity builds whole houses with a bunch of people who have plenty of heart and not much experience. We can build a staircase.” Which meant that Valeria, Gren, and Talos could all help, too, and I didn’t know that I needed five people. I just wanted to know that Kathy would pitch in where she could.

She smiled. “Okay then. Of course. I’m part of the team, right?”

“Right.”

A necromancer with an army of live soldiers. Now there’s a strange concept. Sick and twisted in its own way. You know that zombies are stronger than zero levels, though, don’t you? Not too late to upgrade her.

I put on the bathrobe and turned my back to Kathy while I stripped out of my girl clothes.

“You do this every time you go between worlds?” Kathy asked.

“Yeah, pretty much. One of many reasons I don’t love going back and forth. There’s sort of an oogy feeling as my insides re-arrange, too.”

“You know I’ve seen you naked, right?” Kathy teased.

“Not like this.”

“You can’t blame me for being curious,” she said. “C’mon. Show me.”

I was in a bathrobe, and Kathy was asking me to flash her my dick. No, just no.

I heard her run to try to get a glimpse. “No, Kathy.”

“C’mon! It can’t possibly be as big as they say.”

“It’s quite small when it’s soft, and trust me, it’s very soft now.”

“Bet it gets hard when the green girl, Xyla, is around. Or Valeria, she’s pretty hot. Why do I make it soft, Abby? God, I have this horrible effect on men. And apparently futas, too.”

I had thought the bathrobe might be enough, but I pulled Abel’s pants on, too. Her insatiable curiosity was going to lead to more trouble down the line, I was sure.

“You can go up first,” I said.

“And give you a glimpse up my dress?” Kathy said. “No, fair is fair.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine!” I held on to the belt loop with one finger, and used just one hand on the rope ladder as a result.

And then, naturally, I slipped. It would serve her right if I fell, knocked her off, and we needed to yell for Talos to heal us from our myriad injuries, but my reflexes were better than that.

Dimension Step.

It had been a while, and I’d forgotten about the headaches, but I reappeared in my basement. I headed upstairs to get real clothes on. Kathy could make it up by herself. By the time she managed to run up the stairs from the basement, I had a shirt, socks, and shoes on, and was helping myself to some ibuprofen.

“You just teleported,” Kathy said.

“Yep.”

“Can you teach me to do that?”

I shook my head. “No. I might be able to teach you to be a necromancer, I don’t know.” Could I? Could I teach her to be a seductress, and if I could, would it even be a good idea? “But I can’t teach you how to Dimension Step. It’s an innate ability.”

“Innate? How?”

I could practically hear Enash, even though he wasn’t with me, sarcastically suggesting that telling her I was part demon was a grand idea. “Let’s call it a futanari thing.”

She shook her head. “I don’t get how those things go together.”

“Magic,” I said. It was a little like telling a child, “Because I say so.”

“What rules does magic operate by?” she said, which I suppose was the equivalent of, “but why do you say so?”

“Buns in the cabinet,” I said. “You can fix ‘em up, I’ll start grilling burgers. We should make some for Talos, too. And enough so that we can share with Valeria if she comes back. Let’s say six, so two each if Val doesn’t show.”

“What about Xyla?”

“She can have one too, but I bet she’ll just want chocolate.”

“Gren?”

“She won’t be back until late.”

“I’ll only eat one anyway. I’m hungry, but I have to watch my figure. Hey, I left my underwear in your room!”

“Well,” I said. “You know where it is.”

She scampered off. Of course she had lots of questions. Anyone would. I just needed to be patient.

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