The Accidental Necromancer
Anything

“Okay,” Kathy said slowly. “But are you real?”

“I suppose you can touch me, too,” I said. But if she went for my boobs I was going to tell her that I thought that was gratuitous.

“No, I mean are you really Abel? Prove it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Your dogs are Roxy and Rover.”

“He could have told you that.”

“You tried to seduce me wearing a blue negligée, transparent, black underwear, and heels. You like sidecars.”

“You’re telling me things about me, not about you.”

“Well, you don’t know any real secrets about me, do you? The only things I know that you know that I know are things that I know that you know that I know about you.”

“What sort of booze did I bring over last night? Abel wouldn’t have had much chance to talk about it, and I don’t think he’d care enough to give you the details.”

I sighed. It came in a funny bottle. Like this.” I tried to trace a picture in the air, realized that wasn’t very effective, and said, “A little like the Eiffel Tower. And it was named after some old Frankish dude – Charlemagne? No. Charles Martel. And it had kisses and hugs after it, for some reason.”

Kathy burst out laughing. “You really don’t know your brandy, do you.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Martell. Double L. I don’t know anything about old Frankish dudes. And the XO stands for Extra Old. That was some premium brandy I dosed you with.”

“Brandy?” Gren asked, her ears perking up. “Like the stuff you brought dad?”

“Was that the stuff we had?” asked Kathy. “Is that why you didn’t have any more, you brought it to her father?”

“Yeah.”

“This was much, much better,” Kathy told Gren. And then to me. “Tell me you didn’t trade liquor to her dad for his daughter.”

“No,” I said. “That would be wrong.”

Yeah. In reality, you wooed his daughter by killing trolls.

Okay, Enash might have pegged that one. It wasn’t like it was part of a grand romantic plan, but sure.

Kathy sighed. “Okay, I believe you.” She looked around again. “This place really is incredible. How far does it keep going?”

“The forest?”

“The world.”

“Well, I don’t even know, really. I honestly haven’t gone more than a day’s travel, if that. But on and on. Two continents, at least. Cities. Elves. Trolls.”

Kathy’s eyes widened. “Have you encountered a troll? That sounds pretty dangerous.”

“Yes,” said Gren. “Yes they are. But Abby is a trouncer and tupper of trolls.”

“Tupper?” Kathy asked.

Good, she didn’t know that word.

“Gren is trying to say that they copulate together,” Valeria said. “Gren is very loud when they are doing it.”

I sighed. Well, she hadn’t known that word before now. “Gren, this is Kathy. Kathy is my neighbor on Earth, as you guessed. Gren is a troll princess.”

“Oh!” Kathy said. “I thought she was some kind of elf.”

“Hah!” Gren said. “Elves are dainty and delicate.  I’m not even sure Abby’s massive –”

“That’s enough, Gren,” I interrupted hastily.

“You and your big secret,” Gren said.

“What Gren is trying to say –” began Valeria.

“Want to see more of the forest, Kathy?” I asked hurriedly. “And, um, Valeria. There’s a couch in my living room. It’s the only thing there, can’t miss it. The living room is the room just before you go outside. Don’t go outside. But if you and Gren could get the couch, and bring it down here to Amaranth, I think it would be great in the crypt. Talos, they might need your help, too.”

Gren laughed. “Ah, you’re going to reveal your big secret yourself, and you want us out of the way. She’ll love it. Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask. Could I go visit my father today?”

“Of course. You don’t need permission for that, Gren.”

“Could I take him one of the pictures on the wall? The one of the girl standing on a shell, maybe? Just to show him? I’ll bring it back.”

“Sure. Just be careful peeling it off, it’s stuck with some sticky stuff at the corners. If he likes it, let him keep it, I can get another one. Could you help Val with the couch, first?”

“Of course.” She winked at Val. “Come on, people, let’s pretend we have work to do.”

They left us alone in the woods. “What does she mean by your big secret?” Kathy asked.

If there was one thing I knew about Kathy, it was that she’d have trouble letting a secret alone. That’s why she was here, after all. “Well, what Gren means is…”

“Hello,” said a familiar voice. “And who is this?”

Xyla appeared, as if out of nowhere. She probably walked out of a tree. I’d get used to that in several years, maybe. As usual, her outfit consisted of three leaves and nothing else.

“You’re the green girl!” Kathy said. “With the body paint!”

“Body paint?” asked Xyla. “No, just leaves. Is this Sandra, Abby?”

“No.”

“Jill?”

“This is Kathy. Kathy, Xyla.”

“Oh!” said Xyla. “The nosy neighbor. I thought you were the lover who gives him guns. You humans look so much alike, except for the hair. I should have known you weren’t Jill, Jill has dark hair. Nice to meet you. If you hurt my forest, you will die.” She smiled sweetly. “Otherwise, welcome.”

“Um, thanks,” Kathy said. “I – your forest? And are you an elf?”

Xyla turned to me. “Are you going to keep her? If she keeps insulting people…”

“Elves are highly respected on Earth, she didn’t mean anything bad,” I said.

“I thought you didn’t have elves on earth.”

“We have stories. And elves are usually the good guys.”

“Well. I guess if you make up stories, it helps to have an imagination. They are better than trolls, except for Gren. Or demons. Or humans, I suppose, present company possibly excepted.”

“Xyla is a dryad,” I explained. “And that’s not green paint, that’s her skin.”

“Ah. And are you two –” Kathy started to ask, looking between us.

“Abby told me she loved me yesterday, so now she is bound to me by the magic of the forest.”

“I what?”

“You told me you loved me,” Xyla said, smiling.

“The other part.”

“The other part I made up to see how you’d react. Anyway,” she turned to Kathy. “Yes. My forest. I am its protector, and it gives me life. Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful,” Kathy said.

“Then you are welcome,” Xyla said. She turned to me. “She has good taste. But then, I suppose being your woman, that goes without saying.”

“I’m not his woman,” Kathy said.

“His?”

“Or her woman, either. Just, um, friends with benefits. I mean, I’m not ruling it out. I see why anyone would want to be her woman, even though I’m into dudes, you know?”

That was interesting, and then I remembered she was still under the effects of Charm Person. Whatever she said now was not how she necessarily always thought.

“She’s amazing. Great tits! And an enormous –” she looked at me. “Um, an enormous secret.”

“You all keep saying that. It’s driving me crazy. What’s the big, massive, enormous, whatever, secret you keep hinting at?”

“I’m a futanari,” I said.

“Futa what?” Kathy said.

“I have a penis, even in this form. And girl parts too. It’s very crowded down there, and I’d say it was none of your business, but since everyone seems to be making a big deal about it –”

“It is a big deal,” Xyla said. “Enormous.” She held her hands a foot apart, which was an exaggeration.

“Really?” Kathy said. “Oh, of course. I remember what a futanari is now. It’s a pervy Japanese anime thing. Hentai. Yeah, it all fits. Totally the kind of thing a guy would choose to be on another world. But why did you get a choice, and I didn’t?” She looked down at herself. “I’m just plain old me.”

“Plain old you is very nice,” I said.

“Oh, flatterer. How come you got to choose?”

“I didn’t.”

Heh, heh.

“Right.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, it’s like this. An evil necromancer from this world who had been imprisoned in that mausoleum there was trying to get into Earth to take it over and bring chemical weapons back to this world, Amaranth, so he could take it over. He got hold of some Earth media somehow, as part of scouting out Earth, I guess, and he decided he wanted to be a futa because he’s a perv. He made a gate in the form of a jigsaw puzzle and got the puzzle to earth one piece at a time, and it was in my house when I bought it. I put the puzzle together, not knowing what it really was. When I went through the gate, and he tried to come up through the gate, our souls collided and fought, I won, and now I’m in charge of this body.”

“Wow, that’s complicated.”

“Right. I met Xyla who is in charge of the forest, and then her friend Gren. Then Trolls attacked the forest, and I fought the trolls with the help of good trolls, and restored their ruler to power, and now I have a deal with them to give them booze and lumber in exchange for gold and jewels. Paladins came looking for an evil necromancer, but I convinced them I’m not evil and now they’ve agreed to help protect this place. And then you fell into this world. There. You’re up to date.”

“That’s a lot to take in.”

“I think it would take some people fifty chapters and a hundred thousand words. One could probably write it in less if you left out the sex scenes.”

Kathy smiled. “Well, I’m glad you’re not a necromancer, anyway.”

“Oh, I’m totally a necromancer. Did I skip that part? Just not evil. Oh. Kathy. Ask to see your system display. You don’t have to do it out loud, in your head will do.”

Xyla smiled as Kathy stared into space for a moment and leaned against me. “That was a good idea, wife.”

“Wife?” I asked, putting my arm around her.

“You’re so easy to tease.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I bet Valeria could marry us.”

Kathy frowned. “Alright, so I have a bunch of stats. Without any context, I don’t know what they mean.”

“The most important thing is up at the top. Name, Species, Class, Level.”

“Oh. Kathy Knightley. Human. None. Level 0.”

“I can’t believe you’re hooking up with a woman with no class, Abby,” Xyla said.

“Hey!”

Xyla giggled.

I wondered if maybe she could acquire one in time. The system hadn’t given me a chance to choose a second class until I had three options, and they each related to something I’d done. “We’ll need to teach her some things,” I said. “And maybe she’ll level up.”

“Right now,” Kathy asked, “could I see the forest?”

“Yes, but don’t you have to be getting to work?”

“Abel – Abby – it’s Saturday.”

Oh. Yeah, days of the week never meant much to me when I was self-employed, and it was even harder now that I was spending most of my time in another world. “Then let’s take a walk. Xyla, do you want Talos’ help today? Or Valeria? Probably good for everyone to get to know everyone.”

Xyla grinned. “And besides, Valeria is kind of hot. Remember the question I asked about Talos the other day?”

“Same answer,” I said. “Just keep me informed as well as you can.”

“Oh,” Xyla said, winking broadly. “If we do, I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Go ahead and let her know,” I said.

“Okay. Have fun. If it excites you, know that I might be watching.”

Xyla walked off toward the crypt, with an exaggerated sway to her hips. From the back, there weren’t even the three leaves. Kathy stared after her.

“She’s strange,” she said.

“She’s probably normal for a dryad? Maybe?”

“And she doesn’t wear much, does she?”

“No.”

“You like her ass, Abby?”

“Sure. But why?”

“Because you’re staring. I guess I’m staring too, aren’t I?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

We walked down some of the trails I knew. Kathy didn’t have the best outfit for it, but I didn’t want to go back to Earth yet and let her change. Still, I couldn’t keep her charmed forever, so I dropped the spell after a few hundred yards.

It didn’t seem to change much. I think the forest had charmed her more than I had. It wasn’t quite like the local “forest” park, with paved paths and park benches. This was wild, and what order there was had been imposed by Xyla’s magic without the aid of chainsaws or forest rangers. It was all somehow greener, too.

A squirrel hopped beside us, and Kathy noticed him. “Wow, he’s a brave one, isn’t he?”

I laughed and reached into my bag of holding. I pulled out some nuts, and Nutty ate out of my hand. “Kathy, Nutty. Nutty, Kathy.”

“He’s got a name?” Kathy asked. She crouched down, causing her cocktail dress to rise up dangerously. It wasn’t made for that maneuver, especially with her not wearing underwear. “Hi Nutty!” she said cheerily.

I put some nuts in Kathy’s hand. “Do you want to feed him?”

“Will he bite?”

“He hasn’t, so far.”

Kathy held out her hand with a couple of almonds in it. Nutty gobbled them up.

“This is amazing!” Kathy said. “I think this is the most lovely spot on Earth.”

“Except that it’s not on Earth.”

“Oh. Yes. But Abby, I would do anything, absolutely anything, to be able to come back here again and again.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

Maybe this would work out after all.

Heh. Anything. I’ve got some ideas.

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