There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 406 - 398. Only With You

Chapter 406: Chapter 398. Only With You

Bassena also stared at the swarm of children playing on the ground; the healthy visitors and some of the patients who were well enough to still play outside. If someone were to ask, Bassena would say he didn’t hate children. In fact, he quite liked them. They were cute, they were little devils that needed to be guided, and they were people who he had to protect the most.

But liking children and having them was a separate matter.

"We can be a family without children," Bassena muttered. He didn’t sound dry or bitter; he was just stating the fact.

"That’s true," Zein agreed.

After all, there were couples that had no means of having children, or had no intention of having them. Would that mean they couldn’t be called families? There were people who came together for a cause and called each other family without involving children, and in Zein’s eyes, it was still an eligible bond.

Bassena leaned back and tilted himself slightly so his shoulder touched Zein’s. He shifted his gaze from the playing children to the blue sky, to memories rooted in his soul. Slowly, he opened his mouth to speak his mind.

"While I was growing up, I always thought that I wouldn’t have any children," he confessed. The hardened eyes reflected all the bitter things he had to endure during his childhood. "I don’t want to sire a child that would only live in misery."

That’s why Bassena said he didn’t care about Zein not having a womb, and honestly, Zein thought the same. From the moment he held the twins’ tiny toddler hands, he cursed the people who let their children be born into a harsh reality that even adults had a hard time enduring. A lot of children were left without ever knowing their parents, and died before they could question it.

But that was why Zein decided to build the orphanage. He couldn’t care less about the adults, but children shouldn’t bear the responsibility of the life their parents shoved into them. As one of the children who had to suffer since birth, Zein understood well the sentiment of not wishing for a child to suffer the same way he did.

"With time, that thought only grew," Bassena continued. "I realized that blood could be toxic, and that bonds could be made outside what people called family."

It was a justified view from someone who had to annihilate his own family because that so-called family had killed his mother and tried to kill him too. Someone whose semblance of familial bond was only found through two strangers who were forced to subdue him in the academy.

"For me, a harmonious family is like a myth," Bassena chuckled bitterly. "I know--of course, I know, knowing Radia--that there are people with nice families who love each other and are willing to protect each other, but..." he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his mouth. "It’s hard to see it as a norm when I was surrounded by upsetting experiences."

The bitter feeling of pessimism was amplified when he met Han Shin, whose father was beyond neglectful and abusive to boot. Seeing Han Joon, who had to endure the abuse while protecting his little brother, holding on to the hope that perhaps, one day, he would be recognized.

It was hard to come out of his dark bubble when the people he cared about weren’t being cared for by their parents. Calix and Laurel were there to make them feel like they had an umbrella in the harsh rain of reality, but it merely made him think that only people with good, bright, wise dispositions like Radia’s parents had the right to have children.

And Bassena knew he didn’t have that. He was harsh and had a bad temper. He couldn’t even control himself from falling down the pit of darkness every time October rolled in. How could he have the confidence to raise a child when he himself was still a brat?

"I see," Zein nodded. In that regard, his view wasn’t so different from Bassena, although the reasoning was not the same. But he managed to overcome that fear and self-deprecation after he tasted love, so he wondered if Bassena might change too. "And now?"

"Now..."

Bassena pondered the thought in silence. What about now?

What about now, when he had met Zein and wished for a future together?

What about now, when he had learned to control his emotions and temperament better, and even had a stopper by his side?

What about now, when his beloved told him he might want to build a family, had he the way?

"I...still don’t see a child as a necessity," Bassena told the guide in a restrained voice.

Zein looked at the esper without saying anything, because he felt like Bassena still had something to say. And he was right.

Bassena turned his head and stared at the keen blue eyes, holding the sightly cold hand of the guide to share his warmth; the warmth that was also present in the smile forming on his lips. "But I also didn’t mind having them if you want it."

He didn’t want kids. He wanted Zein’s kids. Their kids. The proof of their bond and union.

Zein raised his brow. "Them?"

"What? If we’re going to make it, wouldn’t it be better to have a lot?" Bassena shrugged.

Zein chuckled and slipped his fingers between Bassena’s. Talking about a lot of kids when they couldn’t even have one. "What a fantasy."

Bassena, for the first time since he saw Zein writhing in pain, stretched out his lips for a sheepish grin. "But it sounds like a nice one, isn’t it?"

Zein smiled in silent agreement. Yes, fantasy should always be nice. Like the one he had before when he still had the twins by his side; to live an early retirement life in a safe world.

He looked at the beautiful amber eyes. "Are you convinced?"

"I don’t know," the pair of ambers dimmed. The fantasy of having children and letting Zein keep a dead organ in his body was a separate matter. That being said, he wasn’t cross anymore, just worried, which was normal in this situation. He glanced at the guide while smiling cheekily. "Maybe convinced me more?"

Without saying anything, Zein patted his lap, and Bassena laughed at an old memory when he was still only persistently courting the guide. He would ask for a lap pillow every time Zein felt sorry or thankful, taking the opportunity to get that brief physical intimacy.

How far they had come in this relationship.

Bassena laid down without hesitation, even though only his upper body fit on the bench and the rest was sprawled to the ground. But before his head touched Zein’s thigh, he paused and looked at the guide with concern. "Are your--"

"It’s fine," Zein cut the esper and pushed the broad shoulder down. "I told you already that it’s not hurting anymore."

"But that’s because of the painkiller, right? When it wears off--"

"It wore off already," Zein shrugged. "I still don’t feel any pain."

Still, Bassena persisted. "The doctor said--"

"She said the cervix was in a lower position than usual right now, but it’ll return after a while," he lowered his voice and added. "As long as you’re being careful and aim to the other side, we can even--"

"No," this time, it was Bassena who cut the guide’s words. He shifted slightly to turn his body sideways, gently touching Zein’s abdomen with his forehead. "I...don’t think I can."

Even now, the image of Zein writhing in pain still stubbornly stayed in his mind. It was so strongly embedded that he couldn’t even muster any carnal thought, despite being unable to finish earlier. The desire had been vanquished, and he wasn’t sure he would regain it anytime soon.

"Alright," Zein chuckled and proceeded to stroke the messy hair on his lap, rubbing the bronze temple with his thumb until Bassena closed his eyes.

He had thought the esper had drifted to sleep, but then he heard a long, exasperated sigh. "Haa..." Bassena buried his face in the crease of Zein’s shirt. "It’s so hard to have a vacation."

Ah...that’s right. They had done everything they could to make sure their vacation went undisturbed, and yet, here they were, once again ending it abruptly and absurdly. At this point, it almost felt like a curse. Perhaps it was the universe telling them to finish with their mission first.

If their vacation went unperturbed, they should only go back tomorrow morning, and start their scheduled work in the afternoon. Zein looked at the sky that slowly shedding its violet hue. Soon, it would turn into a beautiful amber, and...

"We still have time to go back and stargaze," Zein suddenly said.

Bassena opened his eyes and looked at the guide’s smiling face. They stared at each other wordlessly for a few seconds, before Bassena abruptly raised and stood up.

"Let’s go," he said, with a determined gaze and a hand stretched out to the guide.

Zein took the hand and laughed as the esper pulled him to the pathway with hasty steps, the melodious sound ringing through the park. Looking at the sturdy back and messy hair, Zein gripped the warm hand tighter.

"Sena," he called, and the esper froze. Bassena turned around while blinking in a daze, like a kid waiting for a verdict. "I love you."

It took Bassena five seconds to rewire his brain, before pulling the guide by the arm and capturing the lips for a deep, heartfelt kiss. It was the only thing he could do because he didn’t think his feelings right now could be simply described merely by three words. He probably would have kissed Zein there until the night hall if it wasn’t for the sound of exclamation behind the hedge.

"Wow..." it was a series of little whispers and giggles, along with a few pairs of googly eyes.

Zein chuckled and pulled away from the esper’s embrace. "Look at you tainting children’s minds."

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