There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 405 - 397. Building One’s Own Tree

Chapter 405: Chapter 397. Building One’s Own Tree

Zein stared at the explanation that the doctor sent to his commlink, reading the bold letter in the title. A hysterectomy, it said; the surgical procedure to remove his womb.

The doctor had asked him the same thing from the summer of last year. On both occasions, Zein’s answer was the same; he would think about it. That being said, the reasoning between both was different.

The first time, Zein just couldn’t be bothered. He was just starting to live there, he was busy, and he was still overly cautious about things. But he could feel that his reason for delaying the answer this time was a bit different. What was it?

The sound of creaking stones brought Zein’s gaze toward the pathway leading to the hospital’s park where he was. With two cups of warm drink in his hand, Bassena walked to the bench beneath a tree at the corner of the park. His tall and imposing figure easily shaded Zein from the sunlight that the tree could not cover.

Ah, that’s right. As he received the warm tea from Bassena, he realized it.

It was the future.

Realizing that he has a future to look forward to made him think of...hope. Of possibility. Even if would never come to be.

This silly new thought prevented him from saying yes, even though his rational mind told him to go with the procedure.

Of course, there was also the thing with Setnath telling him to leave some descendants.

But before that, there was something far more urgent for him to tackle.

Zein looked at the esper who had been mostly silent since the conversation with the doctor. No--he had been silent since the journey, and more so during the doctor’s explanation. But the tensed jaw and hardened eyes speak louder than anything.

"Are you angry?" Zein looked up, trying to see the face obscured by the shadow.

"...no."

The reply came with a restrained voice. Distant. Zein smiled with cold eyes and spoke in a dry tone. "Did you say that because you don’t want to confront me?"

The esper did not reply, but Zein could see the tensing fingers around the coffee cup. He understood, he knew, that Bassena would rather endure than say things that he thought would jeopardize his relationship with Zein.

"Just say it, Bas."

"Fine!" Bassena hissed through gritted teeth, crushing the half-empty cup in his hands.

Hot coffee splattered to the ground, and Bassena turned his back to hide his face from the guide. Taking a deep breath, he took out a handkerchief to wipe his wet hand, and Zein waited patiently for the judgment to come out.

Bassena took a sharp breath before speaking again, this time in a more composed manner. "Fine, I’m upset. I’m angry."

"I’m sorry."

Bassena turned around and Zein could see the sharp eyes beneath the furrowed brows. "Do you even know what I’m upset about?"

With a straight gaze and a sincere tone, Zein replied. "Because I lied to you."

Actually, Zein was about to tell Bassena about it. At least, he was thinking about telling the esper about the state of his womb. In fact, if this incident hadn’t happened, he would probably have told Bassena while they were stargazing later that night.

But what did it matter if he said that? He still lied the first time. Sure, he could chalk it up to being cautious and a trick to repel anyone trying to court him, but...what about now? What about after they were in a relationship?

There was no excuse Zein could give to justify not informing Bassena when he was not only his lover, but also his medical proxy.

Surprisingly, Bassena replied coldly. "No."

Zein blinked, and after a few seconds, corrected his word choice. "Because I didn’t tell you the truth."

Again, Bassena replied briefly. "No."

"...tell me," Zein let out a sigh. He had no idea what the answer that Bassena wanted was, and he didn’t want to drag it out.

Massaging the bridge of his nose, Bassena spoke through clenched jaws and restrained emotions. "Because you never think it’s significant enough to tell me about."

Zein blinked in surprise. He didn’t think in that direction, but...

"Didn’t you?" Bassena lowered his arm and stared keenly at the slightly widened blue eyes. "Even after the doctor tells you it’s dangerous, you just ignore it. In fact--" he took another deep breath to regulate his spiking emotion. "You probably forget about it."

It wasn’t an accusation. It was a rational assumption based on what Bassena understood about the man he loved. And he understood that man well.

Zein let out a long sigh. "You’re right," he said, readily so, because everything that Bassena said was right.

He did forget about it until recently. He dismissed the warning. He didn’t think it was important enough for him, and so he didn’t think it was important for his partner. Only recently did he think about it, and still, he delayed the talk until he couldn’t anymore.

"It’s upsetting."

Bassena looked up to the sky, to the canopy of green foliage and pouring sunlight. "Zein, I can protect you from anything," he said in a softer tone. "But I can’t protect you from yourself."

Zein leaned back on the bench and closed his eyes, feeling the truth stabbing his heart. But it was Bassena’s exasperated tone that gripped him with guilt. By the time he opened his eyes, Bassena was already crouching in front of him.

"Why don’t you..." with a soft but restrained voice, Bassena put his head on the guide’s knee. "You’re always talking about surviving but..."

It brought back the bitter memory of the Spirit Crystal incident. He had thought they were past the problem of Zein’s self-preservation--or rather, the lack of it--and yet here they were.

But saying those words also reminded Bassena of Zein’s mental state at that time and now, he felt guilty about mentioning it. "Sorry..."

"No, you’re right," Zein stroked the hair strewn on his thigh. They were messy, merely combed with fingers. The ever-neat Saint-class esper was only wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans; not even putting on a coat as he hurriedly carried Zein to the hospital. He was worried, he was scared, he cared for nothing but Zein’s well-being in the past few hours. "I know I’m in the wrong."

"Then why?" Bassena lifted his head swiftly, brows pointed down as if he was the one in agony. Perhaps because he was. "Why didn’t you remove it?"

Zein opened his mouth, but found the answer hard to come out. In the end, he closed it after a few seconds, exhaling slowly through slightly parted lips. He blinked in contemplation for a while, before looking at Bassena in curiosity.

"Do you want me to remove it?"

"The doctor said it’s dangerous!" Bassena almost shouted again, but managed to grit his teeth and restrained himself.

Zein leaned his head back, looking at the hidden sky beyond the canopy of leaves. Perhaps, there was a hidden answer somewhere over there too.

Feeling impatient at the guide’s lack of answer, Bassena gripped the man’s hand. "Zein..."

"To be honest, I made a deal with Setnath."

"What?"

Zein lowered his head and stared into the widened amber eyes. "He said he won’t take my body if I provide...descendent...for his rebirth."

"What?" Bassena frowned. "But...how?"

Exactly what Zein had thought at that time. Exactly what he had been thinking lately. "I don’t know."

Bassena gripped the guide’s hand tighter. "You don’t think it’s just a trick?"

"Maybe," Zein shrugged, a wry smile formed on his lips.

"Then--"

"Maybe it’s just a trick to lower my guard, but..." Zein looked at his reflection on the surface of his now lukewarm coffee. "For some reason..."

Again, he found it hard to voice it. What was it that he felt? What was his real feeling about all of this? About the possibility of having...children.

Closing his eyes to listen to his heartbeat, Zein spoke softly. "It gets me rather...excited."

"...what?" it wasn’t an expression that Bassena thought he would hear.

How many times did he say that already? Zein smiled and stroked the esper’s cheek fondly.

"It’s weird, isn’t it?" he smirked. "If He said that to me last year, I wouldn’t really care. I would have just looked at it skeptically."

"So...it changes?"

"Because I met you, and found out the real story about my parents," the sneering face turned softer. "I guess...probably, the idea of family wasn’t so...vile again."

Bassena stared at the guide in a daze, finding his mind lost the ability to produce words for a while. He only moved when Zein pulled him up and told him to sit on the bench. They sat side by side in silence for a while; Zein finally tasting the cooled coffee while Bassena arranged his mind again.

"Do you forgive me?" Zein asked after quite some time, eyes looking at the playground beyond the park’s hedge.

"...not yet."

"Okay," Zein nodded.

"I still don’t like it," Bassena uttered sharply. "That you keep something that could harm you inside your body."

Again, Zein nodded. "Okay."

"What do you mean okay?" Bassena snapped, turning his body to face the guide, who looked at him with widened, confused eyes. "Try to convince me or something."

Zein raised his brow and chuckled. Looking forward again, he asked the esper with a gentle tone. "Do you not want it?"

"A family?"

"Yes," Zein tilted his head slightly, and Bassena followed the blue gaze toward the playground.

It was visiting time, and children who would rather play than accompany their parents to visit the patients started to fill the playground. Looking at those bright faces and cheerful laughter still brought the grievance of disparity in Zein’s mind, but he started to wonder that perhaps...

Perhaps he wanted to make sure he could bring a different childhood to his child--if he could have any. The childhood he very much wished for but couldn’t manage to give to the twins.