There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 311 - 303. A Clean Wash

Chapter 311: Chapter 303. A Clean Wash

Bassena had seen and touched Zein’s skin so many times at this point, that he even remembered where all of the guide’s beauty marks and scars were. Whether it was during their lovemaking, or when he cleaned the man after, the sensation he felt when he touched that fair skin was...bliss.

But not today.

Today, it was pain. It was heartbreak. It was regret.

As he wiped the remnant of blood off the guide’s limbs, he cursed himself repeatedly. He recalled, once again, the slight disappointment inside those blue eyes before he was going this morning. He knew Zein told him to go, but he should have just listened to himself.

Does it matter if he caused a problem for the television crew? Does it matter if his image worsen?

No. Nothing mattered more than Zein. Nothing should matter more than Zein.

Even if he was scolded by the guide, he should have just stayed to nurse his sick boyfriend. He should have known it was a dangerous time, after Zein’s face was getting circulated on social media and news outlets.

He should have known. He should have stayed. Then this awful thing didn’t need to happen. Then Zein didn’t have to dirty his own hands for worthless, dirty people.

It should have been him. It should be him that bathed in filth and blood. Not Zein. Not his guide. Not his light—

"Don’t," a wet hand, reddened after a clean scrub, lifted Bassena’s face, revealing a distraught face drenched in tears.

Tugging the esper’s jaw, Zein told Bassena to stand up, to face him beneath the running water. He stroked the trembling cheek, staring into the amber eyes that as of now, reminded him so much of himself. It was the eyes he saw when he looked into the mirror once in a blue moon.

The eyes of someone drowning in regret.

"Don’t," Zein repeated. "You’re the one who told me to stop feeling guilty for something that isn’t my fault, so don’t do the same now."

The amber eyes shook, and a different kind of regret filled Bassena’s heart. The regret of failing to see how much Zein stood on his ground and bear it all. How could he be the one to receive consolation, when it was Zein who went through all the pain and agony? How could he act miserable, when all Zein wanted from him was to be comforted?

How shameless...how stupid...how much more foolish could he become?

Bassena grasped the cold hands stroking his cheeks, leaning into them, frowning hard to tell himself to stop his tears. "Don’t cry," the most beautiful voice ordered him. "Don’t shed any tears. It wasn’t something worth crying about. Don’t make it into something worthy to cry on."

"Okay," Bassena replied in a quiet, hoarse voice. He opened his eyes, and repeated; stronger, firmer. "Okay."

Even as they looked into each other’s eyes, they could see it was no more than a consolation. The pain was still there; the regret, the agony, the many questions of what should have been. They were still shaking, their hearts were still trembling. But even more than the pain, was relief.

A relief that they were together, that it didn’t change their feelings for each other.

Right now, under the falling water and the warm touch of each other, as Zein pulled Bassena into a soft kiss, there was nothing in their mind but the fact that they were still here, still together, still loving each other.

For now, in that moment as they were bare, as they tasted each other’s feelings through a kiss and touch devoid of lust, it was enough.

* * *

"Yeah, he looks well, but I’ll keep an eye just in case," Bassena said to the screen as he stirred the stew in the pot. "Thanks for taking care of my nanny."

[What about you?] Radia’s voice came from the screen. [Are you well?]

"I’m keeping it in," Bassena replied without taking his eyes off the fire.

[Good. Keep it well. I’ll let you vent it out in due time]

"Thank you."

Bassena closed the connection and absentmindedly stirred the pot as his mind flew back to last night—although not much happened last night. He cleaned the guide thoroughly, scrubbed the blood, scrubbed all of the traces left by those filthy hands. They soaked themselves in the warm tub, and Zein had fallen asleep there, so Bassena dried the man and brought him to bed.

But it was exactly because not much happened last night that he couldn’t help but get anxious.

For all the things that happened yesterday, Zein was far too calm. Of course, Zein had always been a calm and collected person, who had used—too used—to harsh life and violence. But no matter what, this one...this one should be different. It was the one thing that Zein had always been afraid of. It was what made Zein still wear his mask everywhere.

And yet, he didn’t even seem to be that angry. It wasn’t that Bassena wanted Zein to be traumatized by it, but...the lack of emotional outburst worried him. Because Zein wasn’t an emotionless person; he just hid his emotion well. Or rather, he kept it inside until it swelled up and burst forth one day.

Bassena was afraid that...it would burst when he wasn’t there to make sure the guide was okay.

Zein might look alright, but Bassena did not dare to be conceited. That calmness probably wasn’t calmness at all. Perhaps Zein was just too exhausted to properly emote yesterday. Perhaps it was a ticking time bomb. Whatever it was, Bassena decided not to lower his guard yet.

But it wouldn’t be good for him to act all cautious and anxious around Zein. All he could do now was act as usual, and give Zein all of his love and affection and more. So he made sure to keep the guide warm, and came down to the kitchen early to make Zein’s favorite meat stew and dinner roll.

"Alright," he nodded in satisfaction after tasting the stew; perfectly sweet and slightly spicy, just how Zein liked it. "Let’s see if my sleeping beauty is awake~"

Excitedly, Bassena climbed the stairs and opened the door to wake up the guide, and paused.

Zein was not in bed, the balcony door was open, and he was in dread.

"Ze...Zein?"

No. No. He had placed all kinds of barriers around the apartment. He had positioned all of his children of darkness around the doors and windows. None of them made any report to him, so no one should be able to come in.

"Zein?" dreadfully, as his nape was assaulted by shuddering cold, Bassena ran toward the balcony, calling out his guide in panic. "Zein! Zein—"

"What?"

Bassena stopped at the balcony door with bated breath, staring at the guide who was lying on the grass and looking at the sky. For a while, he just stared at the lying figure; dumbfounded, anxious, worried. It was only after one or two minutes passed that his legs could move, slowly, carefully, as if he was approaching a wounded beast.

"Zein?"

"Mm?"

The guide didn’t move, just looking at the clear morning sky. He was still in the pajamas that Bassena put on him last night—although, at the very least, he had enough sense to wrap himself in a blanket before lying around in the grass as if he were sunbathing.

"...you’ll get cold," Bassena said quietly, kneeling beside the guide’s head. But Zein just laughed softly and opened his arm, patting the place beside him.

"It’s quite nice and fresh, why don’t you join me?"

Bassena had no idea what to think right now, staring blankly at the man seemingly looking at the blue sky in serenity. But was it his true face? Or was it just a facade? Bassena had no idea; he had no idea what to think or feel right now other than anxiety.

"Zein..." Bassena whispered.

"Hmm?"

"What...how...do you feel right now?"

Zein blinked slowly at the blue sky. He could see scattering white plum blossoms from the rooftop, blown by a refreshing morning wind. It was...

"Liberating..." with a smile on his face, Zein answered. "I feel liberated."

Of all the things Bassena thought he would hear, ’liberated’ was definitely wasn’t it. He looked at Zein, completely dumbfounded. But what made him even more speechless was the smile on Zein’s face; full of relief, unrestrained, free.

"It’s weird, isn’t it?" Zein chuckled, raising his upper body without averting his gaze from the sky full of scattering petals. "Bad things happened one after another, yet I feel relieved instead of frustrated, as if I am being washed clean of worry," leaning back on his arms, Zein let out a long sigh and continued with a smile. "What happened yesterday..."

Bassena tensed up on his knees, looking at the back of the guide’s head. But what he was afraid of did not happen. Instead, he could hear a calm voice. "It helped me realize that bad things still happen no matter what," even though the tone became lower, Zein did not seem to be fighting with negative thoughts. "Even in the safest place, even with all precaution..."

That’s right. The security was not lousy, Bassena wasn’t being neglectful, and Zein wasn’t being careless. It was an unlucky situation that was being used by their opponent to make a move. Just like the outbreak in Araka, or the black gate in Althrea.

"I accept it now, that bad things will still happen, even if it’s not my fault," Zein smiled, and although it was rather bitter, his lighthearted tone did not diminish. "And I’m sure more bad things will happen in the future."

Obviously, with their impending journey to the darkness of the East, it would be miraculous if they could encounter more good things than bad ones.

"But even knowing that, I’m no longer afraid. No—" Zein shook his head. "That’s not quite right."

Finally, for the first time since Bassena came to the balcony, Zein turned around to look at the esper. And finally, Bassena could see it; the radiant smile on the pretty face, illuminated by the sunlight, under the shower of white petals.

"I’m still afraid, but it’s not going to make me hesitate anymore," the blue eyes, glowing brilliantly, firm and without hesitation, looked into the shaking pair of ambers. "Because even if I’m scared, I know you will be there, I know you would never leave me,"

As the fair fingers touched his face, all Bassena could do was stay. Stayed and accepted the words coming out between red lips like a decree; so melodious, so heart-piercing. "Someone who loves me, someone whom I love,"

Cupping the trembling, wet cheeks of the esper, Zein looked into the amber eyes, into the soul behind them. The soul of his esper.

"I love you, Bassena Vaski,"

Firmly, sincerely, for the first time in his life, Zein spoke his words of devotion.

"I’m sorry it took so long for me to say it."