The Empty Box and Zeroth Maria
Book 1: Chapter 16

27, 755^th Time

“It took me long enough, but I’ve finally realized I don’t need you anymore.”

The girl tilts her head in confusion, maybe caught off guard by how suddenly I spoke.

“Surely you realized you were getting in the way? Don’t you think that was wrong of you? You and I used to be friends.”

But we aren’t anymore.

I’m sure she probably still considers me a friend. Up until yesterday, we were so close we would talk about our love lives together. But I’ve changed. I don’t think of her that way now. We aren’t friends anymore.

This isn’t just because I’m different. It’s because she can never doubt anything about the new, changed me. Even if I don’t speak to her like I once did, she’ll never notice.

“Nothing can keep me from changing.”

That’s the rule that governs this world.

Say I changed in the normal world, and the others didn’t. Like how she still thinks of me as a friend. If something about me was different, it would draw attention as something unusual. That would be enough to interfere with my own evolution. It could turn into something like the mess one of my classmates caused by showing up to school with post-summer-break blond hair. And if I were stuck staying the same in circumstances like that, I couldn’t do what I wanted.

Which would prevent me from achieving my sole wish, to greet today with no regrets.

That’s why I have this helpful little rule.

Yes, this world was made so everything would work in my favor.

Even so…

Even so, what? I can’t think of anything past that point.

I get the feeling I shouldn’t.

That’s why I decide to stop trying and choose a different topic.

“Love is a lot like spilling soy sauce on white clothes, don’t you think?”

Her head is inclined, as if she doesn’t understand my comparison.

“It happens sometimes, right? And even if you wipe it off, it’ll always leave a stain. It’ll be there forever, so every time you see it, you’re going to remember that time you spilled soy sauce on yourself. It’ll always be there, so there’s no way to forget.”

I open a drawer in a cupboard.

“Pretty frustrating, right?”

I grip the knife inside the drawer.

“That such a stain was able to break me.”

I pull out the knife.

I’ve used this implement several times before for this very purpose. It’s the sharpest one here.

She goes pale at the sight of what’s in my hand.

Even though she probably has a pretty good idea of what comes next, she still asks me why I’m doing this. Maybe a part of her still believes I’m not going to do what she thinks I am.

“What am I doing? Ha-ha.”

Sorry, but I think this might…

“I’m rejecting you.”

…go exactly the way you feared it would.

I xxxxx the xxxxx into her xxxxxxx.

I try not to process the agonizingly black emotion threating to well up inside me. It’s impossible to resist, and all of this would be pointless if not for its presence, but I still fight it anyway. I don’t want to experience this feeling. I just want to keep pretending I don’t know what it is.

She collapses, and blood spews from her mouth.

She looks like she’s suffering. Poor thing.

I’ve probably messed things up. I should have kxxxed her quickly so she wouldn’t have to go through this pain.

“Making a mistake at this point can be pretty scary, you know. Boys get insanely strong when they’re in danger. Even the skinny guys are several times stronger than I am. It really hurts if they hit you when they’re terrified like that. What’s really frightening about it is that look in their eyes. Like I’m trash. How did I mess up last time again…? Oh yeah, I used a thin knife that looked cool. It wasn’t really meant for killing people. That’s another thing—stabbing and cutting people is very unpleasant. It’s gross. I even throw up sometimes. And then I start crying because I don’t understand why everything has to be so awful for me. But in the end, as long as the same people keep doing the same things, the results will never change, and the future I wished for will never come. That’s why I have to get rid of them. I don’t have any other choice. It’s horrible. Why have I been forced to do this?”

The girl stares at me, the vitality fading from her eyes.

“The truth is, maybe I didn’t need to stab you like this. ‘Rejecting’ someone all comes down to my prerogative, you know? I haven’t found any other effective method besides this, though. I’ve never been able to do it successfully without killing them with my own two hands. Completely erasing someone from the bottom of my heart is harder than you’d think. It weighs on my mind. I avoid that person out of guilt. Once that happens, I realize I never want to see them again and finally reach a place where I can truly ‘reject’ them. Once I do that, no one remembers them, not even me, no matter what happens.”

Her head is hanging limp, as if she no longer has the strength to look up at me.

“I understand. I’m terrible, right? All of this is awful. But what else am I supposed to do? …Sorry, it’s not like you would know. Ahh, why do I always blabber on like this? I know. I’m scared, so scared that I just can’t keep quiet. I want to think that if I explain why I do all this, maybe someday one of you will forgive me. But I understand. There’s no way you can forgive me for this, right? I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so selfish. But I’m the one who is suffering the most, don’t you see? I blame myself for all of this. I know I’m a horrible person. So I honestly couldn’t care less what you think of me.”

Who am I talking to?

I realize it doesn’t matter, though. I was never speaking to anyone, ever. I never thought of the person collapsed on the floor here as my friend.

No matter what, I’m always alone.

“N-no—”

I still don’t want to admit it, though.

I say all this as I remain in this place that isn’t mine, continually being reminded of how alone I am whether I like it or not.

Come on.

Hurry up and get here.

“Kazu.”

When did I start calling him that? We became close several times during the endless loops, and he even gave me permission to use his first name, but he’ll never remember any of it.

That’s when the door opens.

And there he is.

Kazuki Hoshino, the object of my obsession.

He stops short and stands in shock as he beholds the grisly scene before him. Beside Kazuki is that sour-faced, interfering Aya Otonashi, that parasite who lives off the Boxes.

“…You finally came, Kazu.”

I’m disgusted at my own words.

How stupid am I?

How many times has Kazuki failed to live up to my expectations? You’d think I would have thrown him away time and again after these countless betrayals.

He isn’t here by coincidence. I braced myself, invited him here, and showed him this scene.

Despite this, I always hope for a miracle when Kazuki arrives like this. I hope he’ll take me from this place back into the real world.

That’ll never happen, though.

Kazuki’s eyes are open wide.

“Kazuki, I understand how you must feel, but you knew this was what we would find.” That unwanted nuisance is saying something.

“The owner is Kasumi Mogi.”

Kazuki looks at Xxxxxx Xxxxxx with eyes as round as saucers. Her name? Oh, I forgot it. I can’t even remember when it left my memory.

“Wh-why?”

Why did I do this?

I can’t hide my anger at Kazuki’s failure to understand such a simple thing.

My eyes curse Kazuki as I bare my heart to him.

“It hurts.”

Saying it just once doesn’t help.

“It hurts, it hurts.”

It still isn’t enough.

“It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts…”

Even so…

“I want to live.”