The Accidental Necromancer
Zargaza

“A few hours ago you were bent on destruction. Why can we trust you now?” I asked. I remembered Valeria’s warning that one couldn’t negotiate with an orc warband. But that was because all they respected was strength, and we’d shown them strength.

“Because you have defeated us in battle,” the woman said. “I am Zargaza, now leader of this band.”

“My name is Abby. Who was leader before?”

“Gruuk. He has failed, and he has taken his own life and sacrificed it to our gods. Our numbers are smaller, now, and we intend to settle in the plains not far to the east and live in peace with our neighbors.”

I glanced at Valeria, who shrugged.

“We no longer consider ourselves to be a warband,” Zargaza explained. “When a warband is defeated, it becomes a mere tribe.”

I liked the sound of that. “And what happens when you become a warband again?”

“That will take many years,” Zargaza said. “But it is indeed part of our cycle. When that happens we will head away from those who have been our friends, ravaging and pillaging those who have been unhelpful to us.”

“You can’t threaten us,” I said.

“No,” Zargaza agreed. “If you have the power to send dragons against us, we cannot threaten you.”

“So the question is, what do you have to offer us? And what do you need, in return?”

Zargaza grinned. “First, we offer you tribute. You may pick any three of our men, and they will become your slaves. Each of these men have been selected for the size of their cocks.” She held her hands a foot apart.

I shook my head. “Not interested,” I said.

She frowned. “You refuse our gift?”

“Let’s get to the part where we help each other,” I said. “What do you need? And what benefits are there to living near your tribe? What, in fact, makes that better than just dealing with you once and for all? You’ve not been good neighbors so far.”

“That,” she said, “Was a warband. This is a tribe.”

I shrugged. I had no intention of trying to wipe them out, but she didn’t know that. I’d match them threat for threat if I had to. I waited for her to talk.

“For the moment, we can provide mercenaries to fight in your wars.”

I shrugged again. “Until you came along, there weren’t any wars for us to fight.” Except for the occasional pyromancer Troll.

“And you don’t want our men, with their big giant cocks?”

“No. And that’s redundant.”

“Blood sacrifices for your gods?” she suggested.

“Nope.” Then I had an idea. “Did you make those clothes you are wearing?”

“Well, not me, but my tribe, yes.”

“Well, good. Then you can provide us with leather goods. Maybe other things, but that will do for a start. And what do you need from us?”

“Peace,” she said. “And if you have the ability to spare some seeds so that we can plant crops, that would be most helpful. Until we have a harvest, we will be hunting the animals of the plains for food, and we will have plenty of skins to make leather.” She grinned. “You would look good in such an outfit as I have. You have nice hips, and large breasts. You would attract many men with big –”

I smiled and cut her off. “It’s a start. Seeds for finished leather. Clothes, armor maybe, shoes. Especially for the trolls.” It didn’t matter too much to me if I made a profit, as long as I could break even. Maybe we’d discover some more things we could trade as we went along. “It would be wise to stay out of the forest.”

“We learned that lesson, Queen Abby.”

“Take a walk with me, Zargaza,” I said.

She looked at me oddly, but she nodded. I knew Gren was watching us as I walked toward a spot where orc bodies littered the ground. I had plenty to pick from. “Any of these people know you well?” I asked.

“You seek to taunt me after a victorious battle. I would do the same.”

“That’s not it, exactly. I want to find out if I can trust you.”

“I too, wonder if I can trust you. The fact that you will not take my tribute makes me uneasy.”

“Hmm. Well, the fact is, I’m not into guys, really. The women you saw with me are all my mates.” Perhaps that was stretching a point with Valeria, but I didn’t know that nuance would help.

“Oh. Well, you can have your pick of three of our women, then. We did not know who we would be dealing with, so we brought a selection of each.”

I wasn’t interested in slavery, but I ignored that and gestured to the bodies. “Did you know any of these people well? Or did they know you?”

She sighed. “That, there, is Rolf. He was a leader of twenty, in our army, and was a suitor for my love. He had only a cock of moderate size, however.”

“Sometimes it’s about what you do with it,” I said. Although Rolf wouldn’t be doing anything with it for a while. His body was missing an arm, but other than that, he was in good shape. I bent down next to him, and touched him.

“You are offering his body to your gods?” Zargaza asked.

“No. I’m asking him a few questions.”

“But he’s –”

Speak with Dead.

Rolf sat up, and turned his face to me, although his stare was unfixed and blank. Zargaza gasped. I didn’t mind that. A little demonstration of my power would probably go a long way with keeping peace with orcs, from what I’d seen and heard so far, and with all the talk of blood sacrifices they cold hardly be too fussy about a little necromancy.

“Hello, Rolf. Your army has been defeated, and Zargaza here is the leader of the remants of your people. She offers me a deal, and peace between her people and the people of the forest, and the trolls. Can I trust her?”

“Yes, if you deal fairly, and from strength,” Rolf rasped. I suppose when you’re dead, your throat gets a little dry.

“What sorcery is this?” Zargaza exclaimed.

“My sorcery,” I told her. I turned back to Rolf. “Will she be able to control the other orcs, do you think?”

“Yes. If she rules fairly, and from strength.”

The identical answer. Strength was obviously a big orcish value, but fairness apparently mattered, too.

“Alright, Rolf. Thanks.”

His body slumped back down to the ground, with no semblance of life. I turned to Zargaza. “He can’t lie to me, so I’ll trust you.”

“You should pick three of the women I have brought to you,” she said. “To seal the bargain.”

“I don’t take slaves,” I told her.

“But it creates a bond.”

“So will trade.”

“Our people have a saying, that it is better to be a slave on the side of the victor, than to be leader of the defeated.”

“That’s an interesting saying. There is a saying like it among my people, but opposite. Better to rule in hell, than to serve in heaven. But not everyone agrees.”

“Not everyone agrees with the saying I quoted, either,” Zargaza admitted. “But it is what we tell those who are enslaved.”

I couldn’t help but satisfy my curiosity, in part because the orcish woman fascinated me. “So, then, were you offering yourself?” I asked.

She hesitated. And then she looked me over. “I am tempted,” she said. “But the mantle of leadership has fallen on me, and I must wear it even if it is a heavy burden. I am attracted to both men and women, and you have lovely curves, Abby. But if I was your slave I fear I would miss the feeling of having a large cock inside me.”

“Ah,” I said. For all I knew, Gren was already talking about my anatomy to the other orcs, so what the heck. “I have one of those.”

“You what?”

“A large cock,” I said, trying to sound casual. “I have all the bits.” Then I started walking back toward the others. I glanced over my shoulder, where Zargaza was staring at me, wide-eyed. “Coming?”

“I wish,” she sighed, and followed me. She ended up running to catch up. “Queen Abby, you must understand. If you do not take our offer of slaves, the other orcs will think you are saying that even our best is unworthy. What you do with them afterward is your business, but it’s important.”

I frowned, and turned around again.

“What are you doing?”

I found Rolf, and used Speak with Dead again. “Hey Rolf, me again. Zargaza claims the orcs will be insulted if I don’t take her offer of three slaves. Is that true?”

“Yes.” At least he didn’t give me the line about fairness and strength again.

“Will they be spying on me for the orcs, or will I be able to trust the people I pick?”

“It depends on the people you pick. But Zargaza would not give them to you with the intention of using them as spies.”

“Rolf,” Zargaza asked. “What is the afterlife like?”

That was a really good question. But Rolf didn’t answer.

“Answer her,” I said.

Rolf didn’t say anything.

I sighed. Magic was particular, I got it. “Rolf, what is the afterlife like?”

Rolf’s body folded up and he lay down again, and he didn’t answer. Apparently there were some questions you just couldn’t ask the dead.

I shrugged. “So, you chose the people you brought for their sexual attractiveness?” I asked.

“Yes, of course.”

“Tell me some about their skills, instead.”

She smiled. “You are wise, Queen Abby. But what did you mean earlier by saying you had a large cock? One made of wood?”

I stopped. “Well, not at the moment. I mean, you’re an attractive lady and all that, but the ground is littered with corpses.”

She stared at me for a moment. “Oh! I meant was it literally made of wood. You mean it’s – a part of you? Part of your sorcery?”

I shrugged. “Part of someone’s sorcery, anyway.”

Mine! Mine! Give me credit!

“Show me.”

I rolled my eyes, but I lifted my dress and showed her.

“That’s not large at all,” she said. “It’s rather tiny. And you have a pussy, too!”

Looking at her, it grew a little, but he was right. “As I said, all the bits. And also, the corpses.”

“Yes. You are looking at a beautiful orc woman, and the ground is littered with corpses. What could be better than to fuck your defeated enemy on the fields of the dead? Are you sure you like women?”

She’s right, you know. You’re totally taking the romance out of necromancer. It’s right in the title!

I put my dress down. “It’s been a long day, Zargaza. Perhaps in other circumstances. Anyway, you’ll have to take my word for it that it gets quite large sometimes.”

“Should I massage it?” she asked.

Again, the corpses. In a quiet bedroom, with some candlelight, I might have told her to go for it. “Not right here,” I said. “I asked a question about their skills?”

“Ah. Well, Algara is supposed to be excellent at blowjobs, although I of course can’t judge for myself. Thar is very good at licking pussy. Gruush can stay hard forever when fucking, he practices by edging himself a lot. Kendala can give an excellent massage, with a happy ending for anyone, if you know what I mean. And –”

“I meant out of the bedroom.”

“Oh, none of them need a bedroom. As slaves, you can require them to do whatever you like in front of your whole tribe.”

“Uh, lovely. What I meant was I didn’t mean their sexual skills.”

“Oh! Well, yes, I suppose that makes sense. I mean, if you like women, but aren’t getting hard even in the presence of myself, in a field littered with the bodies of your fallen foes, then I suppose –”

I sighed. I had to be getting close to full on mana, and I had a lot of work ahead of me. I turned, pulled out my wand, and pointed at Rolf.

Animate Dead.

Rolf got up. I pointed to the cluster of zombies back with the others. “Go join the other zombies,” I said casually.

Rolf shambled off.

I turned back to Zargaza, who was staring at Rolf, and then at me. “You were saying, about the non-sexual skills of the people who are willing to work for me as part of our trade agreement?”

“Uh. Yeah.”

She got to the point, and we walked back. I mollified her by selecting three orcs. Gruush, as it turned out, was a brick mason, which was too perfect to be passed up. He was a big dude, bigger than Abel. Kendala was a blacksmith, with impressive biceps – if she ever gave me a massage I’d have to tell her to take it easy. And the most petite of the orcs, Inka, who was still pretty stacked, could read and write, which apparently was pretty rare, and do a little cooking. I hoped I’d like orc cuisine, but more importantly, I figured that if she was literate she was probably smarter than most, and could learn new skills more easily.

Of course, I had some things to say to them about the whole slavery business, first.