The Accidental Necromancer
Pulchritudinous

When I got to the top, Gren had her knife against Valeria’s back.

“You don’t have to do that,” Valeria said. “I gave my word. And I’m unarmed.”

“But if I keep it in my belt, you might try to grab it. And as long as I have it out, I might as well keep it somewhere useful, hmm, pulchritudinous paladin?”

“Watch what you call me,” Valeria said. “For you might not always have the knife.”

“It wasn’t an insult, dimwit.”

I stood there, still Abby, watching. I didn’t want to take the last step out of the area where magic worked and transform. I never loved it, but especially not with an audience. At least this time I had my pants on. At least when I changed, they wouldn’t be trying to slide off my hips. And it would probably distract the two from arguing.

I took a step and became Abel. Sure enough, Valeria stared, wide-eyed.

“You’re a man!” she said at last.

“Perceptive paladin,” Gren said.

“So,” I said, not addressing that, “This is my home. It is a fairly ordinary home, as Earth goes.” Was that true? It might be an ordinary suburban home, in America, if you could afford a stand-alone house. And it was on the large side, although no mansion. But maybe strict accuracy wasn’t important.

“But you’re a man,” Valeria repeated.

“Yes, I change when I go into your world.”

“But we didn’t change.”

“Nope. It’s complicated. Up here, I’m just an ordinary person. No, um, class. No nothing.” Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that.

“Not a necromancer, evil or otherwise?”

“No.”

Valeria murmured something under her breath.

“I can’t cast a spell!” she said. “Ouch!”

Gren had pressed her knife into Valeria’s back. “I knew she’d try something!”

“Magic doesn’t work on earth, so we invent devices to do things. You saw my drill. Or the mattress I filled with air, using an air pump.”

“I can’t cast spells?” Valeria asked. “I can’t access the system display!”

“And yet, my knife is still super sharp,” Gren said.

“Actually, I should get you a better knife. We have some really sharp ones that stay sharp.”

“You say the sweetest things, generous jumper of worlds.”

Valeria, meanwhile, was frantic. “You don’t understand. I’m cut off from the system. I’m cut off from L’shan!” She pointed at me. “And you’re a man! With man parts.”

“Oh,” said Gren. “I want to tell her so bad.”

“This is not the time,” I said. “Valeria, it’s okay. Nothing is going to happen to you. When we go back, you’ll be back to normal. You’ll get the system back, and all your spells. I’ll be, well, stuck with a bunch of necromancer spells again.”

She took a deep breath and drew herself up. “Right. Sorry, it’s just – well, you didn’t warn me about this.”

“Some things are easier just to show,” I said. “And I’m very tired.”

“Yes, with two women I imagine – oh, of course you like women, you’re a man. I suppose it’s only natural.”

“It isn’t Gren and Xyla that are making me stay up late. And it’s natural for people to like whoever they like,” I said. “Are you okay to continue?”

“Yes. What’s that?” Valeria asked, pointing.

“That’s a sink.”

“Look,” Gren said. “Water, whenever you want it.” She demonstrated, which at least meant she wasn’t holding a knife to Valeria’s back. “And this one brings hot water. But you have to wait a few seconds.”

“Oh,” Valeria said. She stretched out her hand, and then pulled it back. “See, I was about to touch. This is why you have to tie me up.”

Did she do that on purpose?

I was tired, though, and I’d left the rope downstairs. “I’ll be right back,” I said.

“I’ll get it,” Gren said. “I know you hate going back and forth.”

“Thank you, Gren.”

“You can touch the water, it should be warm now.”

She did and then pulled her hand back quickly. “Hot, actually. I wasn’t expecting that.”

I turned the cold tap on again. “You can mix cold and hot water and get something in between,” I told her.

“That’s amazing.” She looked over at me. “And you’re a man.”

“Yep.”

“And you watched me – you’ve seen me – naked!”

“Well, close,” I admitted.

“This is really complicated, Abby.”

“Real people are complicated,” I said. Okay, this went way beyond that. “There’s not a simple right and wrong about who people see naked, or who people are attracted to, or who people have sex with.”

Gren popped back up. “Talos is fine, he’s stroking his penis again,” she said. “Worshipful wanker. Why are you looking at me like that? I thought I should report.” She handed me the two pieces of rope I’d cut the day before. The ends were fraying now, but the lengths were still usable.

“Hands behind your back,” I told Valeria.

“The chest first, maybe?”

“Sure,” I said. I started wrapping rope above her breasts.

“This is … different, from a man,” she said.

“I’m trying not to gratuitously grope.”

“Gratuitous groper,” Gren echoed. “Hey, that’s pretty good.”

“Mmm,” Valeria purred.

“Okay, now hands behind your back. And whatever you do, don’t step on the painting.” I indicated the area. “Because you’ll fall through and probably break your neck.”

“Get them tight,” Valeria said, turning with her wrists close together behind her. “So that I can’t get out and give into temptation.”

Uh-huh.

She nodded at the washer and dryer. “What do you keep in those big white boxes?”

I had a load to run, so I demonstrated the washer and explained the dryer. Then I led them both upstairs and showed off the kitchen.

“But these things could make life so much easier, Abby.” Valeria said.

“They could,” I admitted. “But it isn’t just these things. And these things don’t work on Amaranth, or they wouldn’t work without a whole lot of infrastructure – uh, other things. I can barely run a small version of the refrigerator in Amaranth now. In time, some of this… maybe it would be a good idea. Powered with solar panels, maybe, and wind power.”

“Huh?”

“Sorry, thinking out loud.”

“Can you show us the shower Xyla told me about?” Gren asked.

I showed her, and the flush toilet too.

“But this is all wonderful, Abby,” Valeria said. “Your people could teach us all about these things, and we could teach them about L’shan.”

“But that’s not what my people would do. My people would try to figure out a way for you to make us refrigerators, while paying you as little as possible. If they didn’t just decide to take over your land so they’d have more space to live. On my own, I can’t bring you the good things as efficiently, but I can stop the bad things from happening. I hope.”

Valeria wasn’t convinced, and I ended up having to use my laptop and the TV to show her some videos of just how messy modern warfare could be. As a warrior, Valeria could appreciate a good weapon, but the idea of poison gas that made swords and armor alike irrelevant didn’t appeal to her at all.

The system would probably stop anyone from bringing a chemical weapon into Amaranth, but I didn’t think it could stop someone from bringing in the knowledge of how to make one.

While Val and Gren were watching the videos, I used my phone to take pictures of them both. As soon as the videos were over, I switched the feed over to my phone, and a picture of Gren.

“That’s me!” Gren said. “Isn’t it? Or is it some other beautiful blue troll?”

“It’s you,” I said. “And this is you, Valeria.”

“Wow,” Valeria said. “I hadn’t realized how much the rope made my chest stand out.”

“Like two magnificent melons,” Gren said, cheerfully.

Valeria blushed and then turned to me. “I understand why you wish to keep this place a secret,” she said. “Is there a way to destroy the gate between the worlds?”

“Not that I know of,” I said. Would I, if I could? I tried to be a good person, but I was more selfish than that. I didn’t want to give up either of my lives. And so far, I thought I’d made Amaranth better. If I hadn’t been there, the trolls would have burned the forest down. Now, instead, they were happy and productive.

“Then it must be protected, from above and from below.” Valeria set her jaw and looked deadly serious. At that moment I knew that being her enemy would be a very bad thing.

Gren took the phone from me and moved away. I didn’t like it, but I needed to pay attention to Valeria right now.

Valeria looked thoughtful, so I just gave her space.

Another picture flashed up on the screen, this one of a rose bush in the front yard. I’d left the gallery open, and I suppose it wasn’t that hard to navigate. Gren had seen me use the phone earlier.

Valeria turned to me. “This is more important, even, than hunting down an evil necromancer.”

I nodded. “Maybe. Evil necromancers can be pretty evil.”

She fixed me with a stare. “I, Valeria, promise to do all that is in my power to protect the gate between our worlds, as long as I shall draw breath.”

“You can have me help protect the gate even after I stop drawing breath, Abby,” Gren said.

Valeria just said, “Ewww.”

I was with the paladin on that one. I reached out to hold Valeria’s hand, realized they were behind her back, and settled for touching her shoulder. “Thank you, Valeria.”

“It’s not about you, Abby. But I am convinced you’re not evil.”

“Well, thank you for that, too.”

“Now that we have that settled,” Gren said. “Who is this?”

The picture she put on the screen was of a very busty brunette in a rather translucent black bra that Jill had sent to me after our last chat.

“That is Jill.” I reached for my phone, but Gren pulled it away.

“She’s hot,” Gren said.

“And not wearing very much,” Valeria noted.

“And she didn’t send that picture to me with the idea that I’d be showing it to anyone else, so please give me my phone back.”

Gren sighed, and gave it to me. “Can I have one?”

“One which?” Did she mean a picture of Jill?

“A phone. With pictures on it.”

Gren with a phone, and wifi access. What could possibly go wrong with having a troll on the internet?

Nothing that hadn’t already gone wrong, I supposed. “If you’ll accept some restrictions on how to use it, then yes.”

“I can make pictures?”

“Yes. Oddly, we say ‘take a picture.’”

“Okay, then.”

“How many wives do you have, anyway?” Valeria asked.

Gren snorted.

“Um, zero?”

Valeria looked between Gren and me. “I assumed…”

“We’re all girls, remember?” Gren said, with a smirk.

“Except when you’re not. But the preachings assume that everyone is one or the other.”

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt in your philosophy,” I said.

“Who is Horatio?” Valeria asked.

“Never mind. It’s a quote from a play. Reality is always too complicated for any one person, one book, or even one people to understand.”

“If you’re going to have wives,” Gren said. “I want to come before her. I was here first. Well, second, after Xyla. And after Jill?” She pointed at the screen.

“Also not marrying Jill.” I was not going to deal with this now. “Let’s get back to Amaranth,” I said, using my phone to check in on Talos. He was reading his little book.

“Will you become a girl again then?” Valeria asked.

“Yes.”

Gren smirked again. “I think you should tell her. And did I come after Jill or not?”

“Years after,” I said.

“Tell me what?” Valeria asked.

“Or show her,” Gren said.

“Show me what?”

You’d think being poly would have prepared me for awkward conversations, but no. I realized that Xyla had actually done me a favor, in some ways, by telling Gren about me, but I was worried that Valeria would think I was an abomination.

And if she did, I suppose it was better to find out now.

“What Gren is trying to say is that I have a penis.”

Valeria colored. “Of course you do. But why do we need to talk about it?”

Well, yes, of course I did. “So, if my body up here is called Abel, and my body down there is called Abby,” I began, and she nodded to show me she was following. “Abby has a penis.”

“But Abby is a girl. You should have a – well, you know.”

“Yes, I have one of those too.”

“Ambisexual Abby,” Gren said. “The rules don’t apply to her.”

“Hmm,” Valeria said, and looked thoughtful.

Well, at least that wasn’t a disaster.

“You know, Abby, you don’t need to put me in the cage again,” Valeria said. “Unless you want to. And I’ll talk to Talos, if you like, so maybe you should put me in a cage with him so I can do that. He already wants to believe you’re okay, because he is thinking with his little head.”

I chuckled. “It’s not too much temptation for him, to be in a cage with you?”

Valeria shook her head. “If it is, I’ll knee him.”

“Go you!” Gren said.

I cringed inwardly, even though I was glad Valeria was ready to take care of herself. Easy to joke about a knee there when you didn’t have the parts. We went down to the basement, and I untied Valeria’s wrists so she could safely use the ladder. I didn’t even offer to untie the chest harness.