The Accidental Necromancer
Not Just Two Adjectives

Of course, that let Talos know I was there, and he turned his head, looking at me with a guilty expression.

I shrugged and gave him a smile. The guilty expression turned into a stare, and then he turned away to hastily zip himself up.

“Hello busty and beautiful,” I greeted Gren, taking a stab at speaking in her idiom.

She arched her back to stick out her chest. “The adjective should alliterate with the noun,” she informed me. “Not just two adjectives.”

I was unconvinced she minded, given the way she preened. I knelt on the mattress and kissed her, and when she groped me I groped her back.

“I like this top,” she told me. “Easy access.”

“That is so hot,” Talos said.

Gren turned her head. “I thought you didn’t like trolls.”

“I’m – well, my perspective on things has been changing lately.”

“It is a sin for two women to do that with each other,” Valeria said.

“That’s what they said about the other,” Talos said. “But I am still a paladin. L’Shan has not rejected me.”

“But the priests say –”

“They say that they should each have two wives or husbands, and that paladins and monks should stay celibate,” Talos said. “Now why would they say that?”

Valeria frowned. “I know what you’re implying.”

“Gren, maybe we should give these two a little privacy.”

Gren winked at me. “Okay,” she said.

I walked over to the laptop and started a video chat with my phone, keeping my phone’s camera off and its microphone on mute. Then I checked the cells to make sure my makeshift jail was holding up okay. Only when I was satisfied did we walk outside.

Gren didn’t bother to put her top on, and she walked with an extra sway of her hips. “Maybe we find Xyla, and have a threesome?” she asked.

I shook my head, and pulled out my phone. I showed it to her and turned up the volume. We could see both Talos and Valeria clearly, although they were very small on the little screen.

“If L’Shan wanted us to be celibate, then why –” Talos was saying.

“Oh, stop. That’s not important. Listen.”

Valeria told him about what I had showed her.

“One of us needs to find out what’s behind that gate,” Talos said, after she was done.

“Yes, but I don’t think she wants us there,” Valeria said.

“She wants you,” he said. “I can tell by the way she looks at you.”

I thought I’d been rather good. Gren elbowed me. “She’s hot, isn’t she.”

“So? I am remaining pure.” Valeria said.

“You could seduce her and find out her secrets.”

“That is not the way a paladin behaves.”

“Because a proper paladin squirms around and moans every time she gets tied up?”

“I do not!”

Talos chuckled. “And why do you think I was talking about you? I was just … talking in the abstract.”

Talos seemed to be the smarter of the two. No, that wasn’t right. He was just the less straightforward.

“This is so sneaky,” Gren said. “And amazing. Clever coquette. I love you.”

“Look, I don’t think she’s evil,” Talos said. “L’shan’s spell said she wasn’t evil. We both tried that. She doesn’t look evil.”

“Because she has breasts?”

“She’s got such an innocent face.”

“Yeah, you should look at it occasionally, if your eyes aren’t too heavy to raise up to that level!”

“She doesn’t act evil. Except for the zombies. Which she explained to you.”

“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I should throw my body at her.”

“Look, if she’s not evil, we can’t kill her, and if we go back, we’d have to explain that, right? Because I know you wouldn’t skirt around the truth. And then they’d send more people out, and they’d kill her, so that would be wrong.”

“If she isn’t evil.”

“If,” Talos conceded. “And if she is evil, we really need to know her secrets, and you’re our best bet to do that.”

Xyla sat down next to us. I hadn’t heard her coming, but that wasn’t unusual. We crowded around the phone.

They kept arguing, without reaching any conclusion that I could detect, and finally Valeria said she needed to think, and would he please be quiet.

“Talos is on your side,” Xyla said.

“Apparently.”

“Because he loves your tantalizing tits,” Gren said.

“I thought it was my innocent face!”

“Riiiight.” Gren paused. “It is a very beautiful face. Very kissable. But innocent?”

“No,” Xyla agreed. “Not innocent.”

She flipped up my skirt, and Gren went after my top. I supposed they wanted to prove I wasn’t innocent. We ended up tangled in each other, exhausted, and very satisfied.

Then I had work to do, so I left Gren and Xyla hugging each other. I found the two zombie bodies. They weren’t too badly decayed, but they’d get worse the longer they sat there. One’s head was smashed in, and the other’s chest was completely caved.

I sighed. From sex with two beautiful girls to this. I lifted my katana, tried a couple of practice swings to make sure I had the right spot, and cut off the crashed in head.

Then I did the same thing with the one whose head was intact. I hoped this would work, because it was gross.

That’s it, get out your sexual frustration.

“I am not sexually frustrated,” I said. I had issues, but that was not one of them.

I took the intact head, put it on the intact body, and cast Mend Corpse.

The result looked a little off, but zombies looked pretty off anyway. Animate Lesser Undead.

The thing moved. A little shakily, but it managed to stand up. I was back to four zombies.

The army expands! Off the two paladins and we’ll have turned a profit.

“It’s not an army. It’s an undead delivery service.”

I came back to find Gren and Xyla still entangled, but they got up when I got there. We got ourselves mostly arranged before we went back inside, except for Gren, who had left her top in the crypt.

“You know,” Valeria said to Gren. “You really should cover up in front of Talos.”

Gren shrugged. “Tempting titties,” she said, and went over to fetch her top in no particular hurry.

I laid down on the mattress, sex having made me sleepy again.

“I’m going to go now, my love,” Xyla said. “Being inside makes me …” she finished the sentence with a shiver.

“I understand.”

She ran over quickly, gave me a kiss, and then ran out.

“No one evil could make a dryad love them,” Talos said.

Valeria frowned. “Dryads are not good precisely.”

“They aren’t evil, either.”

I closed my eyes, and Gren pulled a blanket over me. “I’ll watch. Rest.”

I had just about gotten to sleep when Valeria said, “Abby.”

Sigh. I sat up. “Yes?”

“If you take me up there,” she said, pointing to the ceiling, “I promise not to try to escape.”

“For how long?”

“While I’m up there.”

“That’s nice.” I lay back down.

“Abby.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll let you tie me up.”

“Uh-huh.” That might be fun, but it wasn’t exactly a surprise. I closed my eyes.

“Abby.”

Clearly, I wasn’t going to get sleep. I sat back up, walked over to the fridge, and pulled out a cola. “Yes, Valeria,” I said, but only after I had it open.

“I’ll let you tie me up with my, um, torso uncovered.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Want a cola? A beer?”

“I don’t drink alcohol,” she said.

“Cola isn’t alcohol.”

“It’s interesting,” Gren said. “You might like it.”

She frowned. “What sort of drug is it? Is it something that will make me lose my inhibitions and beg for release?”

That was oddly specific. “No. It helps you stay awake, and that’s about it,” I said. “Which is why I’m having some now.”

“Oh. Well, still no,” Valeria said.

I’d been a good host and offered. I sipped mine, and waited.

Valeria sighed. “Abby, I’m trying to seduce you.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. It’s a strategy for me to get you to take me up and show me what’s going on.” She frowned. “I’m really not good at subterfuge. Or seduction. What would you like from me, that would convince you to show me everything?”

“Do you know how long we were in a relationship before she showed me?” Gren asked.

Ah, poly. Anyone who tells you that they don’t get jealous is selling you something. It’s how people manage it that matters. “Gren, this isn’t about that. I’m not in a relationship with Valeria at all.”

“Is that what you think?” asked Gren.

“When you told me you should go to a troll orgy, did I make it about me?”

Gren frowned. “No. Logical lass.” She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Valeria,” I said, “you don’t have to seduce me. If you do seduce me, then do it because you want me, not because you want to use me to get something. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Maybe I was being unfair. Maybe I was taking away her opportunity to justify doing what she really wanted to do. Certainly the requests for being tied up weren’t altruistic. I knew her better than that now. I thought for a moment and then spoke.

“You’ll have to promise me that you won’t talk about what you see, except with my permission. Ever. And that you won’t touch anything in the other world without permission, either. When we’re up there, you’ll do exactly as I say.” I felt I knew she’s keep to the letter of what she said, but the spirit might be more iffy. I didn’t know if there was a loophole somewhere, but if she ran out of the house it could be very bad. “And you won’t leave the building we’re in, either. That is, the building up there, not the building down here.”

“Exactly what you say?” she asked, with an odd look in her eyes.

“Exactly,” I said.

“But what if you ask me to do something wrong?” I couldn’t tell if she was frightened of that, or hopeful. Or maybe both.

“Then you will say the word ‘red’ and I will take you straight back here and into your cage, but you won’t have to do whatever it was.”

“Red? Okay. In that case, with those rules, I promise.”

I really didn’t want to think of this as a kinky scene, but it seemed like a safe word was the answer to the problem.

“She’s not getting a full tour, is she?” Gren asked. “I haven’t gotten a full tour, yet.”

Sometimes, you just have to give in to keep peace in a polycule. “Alright, Gren, you can come along.” I walked outside. “Xyla?”

No answer.

I revved the chainsaw, and then went back to get one of the zero gravity chairs, so I could get a nap while I waited, but by the time I got it set up, Xyla appeared, looking lovely and mostly naked, as usual.

“Gren and I are taking Valeria up to Earth,” I explained. “So I just wanted to let you know that Talos is on his own.

“I can’t do much if he’s inside the crypt,” Xyla said.

“I know.” Hmm. I wasn’t without other options, I supposed, but I didn’t want to parade the zombies in front of the paladins if I didn’t have to, either. I wished I could turn them over to Xyla to command. “I’m pretty sure he’s locked in there solidly. But in case he hurts himself.”

“If he screams, I’ll ignore him,” Xyla said.

I stared at her, and then I realized that if he screamed, it was probably because he had a scheme to get out. The last thing I wanted him doing was luring Xyla in and take advantage of her somehow. “Good plan,” I said slowly.

“He won’t escape this way,” she promised.

I went back inside. I set up the video chat with my phone again, so that I’d have a security camera on him that I could at least peek at now and then. Then I put my bathrobe on and changed out of my girl clothes and back into my jeans – with my back to the paladins, of course. Finally, I went to let Valeria out of her cell.

“Why are you dressed like that?” she asked.

“You’ll see.”

“Should I dress like that? Native costume?”

I shook my head. “You should be fine. Let’s go.”

“Aren’t you going to tie me up? You know, in case I can’t be trusted, or am suddenly tempted to touch something I shouldn’t?”

I remembered what happened with Xyla. Sandra had taken the guns back when she’d come over, but other things could go wrong. Better safe than sorry. “As soon as you get up the ladder,” I said. “I don’t want you to fall.”

“That makes sense.” She considered me for a moment. “You know, it’s getting harder to think of you as evil.”

“That’s the idea.”

I let Gren go first, Valeria second, and me taking up the rear, and mentally crossed my fingers that I was doing the right thing.

This is ridiculous. You have all these powers to corrupt and twist her to your will. You could kill her and make a zombie out of her and no one would know. But you’re doing this?

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