The Accidental Necromancer
Keeping it Classy

There were more lumpy rocks in the next cave, and I was on my guard, but these rocks were just rocks.

It’s underneath one of those head sized stones on the left. No, I don’t remember which one, I always figured I could lift them up until I found it.

“Do you mind keeping watch while I look for the wand?” I asked Gren.

“No. Although if you plan to bend over like that I might have difficulty concentrating.”

“I’ll, um, promise you a show when we get out.”

She smiled. “Now that is a promise.”

“Yes it is.” It seemed better than getting killed because she was distracted, I told myself. It’s not that I liked her ogling me. Okay, maybe a little.

I lifted one of the rocks, and there was just more stone beneath it. Same with the next. But the third covered up a small hole.

That’s it. Reach down and take what you find there.

“You mean the wand, right?” I whispered.

It won’t feel like a wand. But you’ll get a wand. And something else even better. What, you think I want to be inside a body that has a hand cut off by a crushing blade trap?

That seemed oddly specific. I wasn’t sure of his motivation. I reached into the hole, and my hands closed around something that felt like cloth. I tugged it out.

It was a bag, made of some kind of leather, the base of it about six inches in diameter, the top tied up with a leather thong. It looked full, but it was practically weightless.

“That doesn’t look like much,” Gren said. “I guess your wand is in that?”

“You’re supposed to be keeping lookout.”

“You can’t blame me for sneaking peeks. Of course I’m curious about what’s under your skirt, given what Xyla said.” She held her hands nearly a foot apart, which was a slight exaggeration.

“Show later, remember? Keep watch, now.”

“Yes ma’am,” she said, and turned her back.

Now just reach in to the bag and think about grabbing my wand.

I really hoped that wasn’t some kind of obscene joke. I’d come this far, might as well see it through. I undid the thong and reached inside. It was empty. Then I remembered that I was supposed to think about the wand. Immediately, I found it in my grasp and pulled it out.

Bigger on the inside than on the outside. And you don’t have to hunt around, just think about what it is that you want, and if it’s in there, you’ll get it. Of course, you have to know what’s in there. If you’re good to me, I’ll tell you about the other things inside the bag.

I sort of absorbed that, but mostly I was looking at the wand. It was made of something dark and rigid, tapering to a point, but a skull on the one end drew my attention. The skull looked human, other than being only about two inches wide. The pointy end was at the other end.

Elf wizard. Had that shrunk down, and now he helps stop me from dropping the wand. Or stops you, I suppose. And the rest is genuine demon bone. Top rate craftsmanship. They don’t make them like this anymore.

I refrained from mentioning that he’d been in his tomb for centuries, apparently, and didn’t have the slightest idea of how they made them anymore. Also, I really hoped they had stopped making them this way.

Well, for the moment, this was a case of as long as it worked. I put it back in the bag.

“We’ve got it,” I said. “Let’s get out of here.”

Gren grinned. “Remember the show.”

“I remember,” I said. “If you like, you can be second up the rope, so you can watch me from below.”

She nodded. “Why do you think I wanted to be first down, before?”

And apparently her sex drive increased when she was drunk. I kinda wanted to see it, and I was a bit intimidated, too.

I put the bag in my backpack and used the rope to help me out. Gren waited until I was all the way out to climb out after me, but I barely noticed that, even though I’d intended to help her up, because words were suddenly flashing in front of my eyes.

As an individual with two spirits, you have unlocked your second class. Would you like to see your choices now?

“You look sort of out of it, are you okay?” Gren asked. I saw Xyla coming out of the tree toward me.

Just a moment, I thought at the system display.

“So, um, I have a strange question,” I said. “Do you two have a system display?”

“Of course,” Gren replied. “Every adult does. Although most people’s aren’t very interesting.”

Xyla nodded.

Most people don’t even have one class. They are level 0, and don’t get experience points.

I felt like I almost didn’t get experience points myself. “It seems I have to look at my system display for a bit. Give me a moment?”

“After that, she’s going to dance for us,” Gren said. “And show off her you know what.”

Had dancing been part of the deal? Maybe constantly pushing the bounds of a promise was something you learned when you were a princess, although princess was a pretentious title for the daughter of a chief of a village of two hundred.

“Go ahead,” Xyla said. “I hope it’s something good. Gren and I can entertain ourselves without you, can’t we?”

And that wouldn’t be distracting at all. Paying attention to the system display seemed important, so I turned my back on the other two.

Okay, system display, I thought. Show me my choices.

As a result of clearing some forest, you have unlocked the class Forester.

As a result of seducing a dryad, you have unlocked the class Seductress (Prestige Class).

As a result of winning a combat with melee weapons, you have unlocked the class Warrior.

Warrior seemed to be the skill most likely to be useful in dealing with the trolls, but I was curious about Forester. Was that like a Ranger in D&D? If so, it would have a fair amount of fighting capability, and might have some extra benefits. I wanted to explore more of the world eventually, and not be confined to Xyla’s forest, as nice as she was, so I didn’t want to take it if it was too narrow, but it was worth investigating at least.

Oh, come on, take Seductress, you know you want to.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Act your age.”

I’m over a thousand years old. If I don’t have a right to be a dirty old man, then who does?

Show me Forester, I thought.

The Forester class is ideal for lumberjacks and woodsmen. All first level Foresters receive an ability to identify plants and animals, some fighting ability, and the ability to avoid getting lost in any forest or woodland area. Foresters receive experience by killing dangers to the forest and from profitably using its resources.

“What about after first level?” I asked.

The Seductress class is ideal for courtesans and the promiscuous. All first level Seductresses receive the spell Charm, which allow them to sway other beings against their better judgment. They also receive a passive ability that makes them more attractive to members of the opposite sex, and a bonus to Charisma. Finally, they gain a special Backstab ability, allowing them to do extra damage on unsuspecting targets, and further extra damage if the victim is sexually aroused. Seductresses get experience for sexual activity, and for using their sexuality to gain advantages in other spheres.

“I didn’t ask about that,” I said aloud.

Confirm your choice of Seductress (Y/N).

“Um, no. I didn’t say I was choosing that.”

You are now a first level Seductress. See your main display for further information.

What the heck?

It turns out that I can access your system display, even if I can’t do anything with my body. The one you’re using.

“Warrior would have been useful, dammit. Whatever happened to slaying enemies, I thought you were into that? And why didn’t I get any experience for killing the zombies?” Out of the corner of my eye I saw the girls looking over at me with some concern. I probably sounded like a raving madman, and I was indeed pretty pissed off.

Hey, I’m trapped here, I might as well make my life more entertaining. Lean into the whole dirty old man thing. Besides, Dimension Step and Backstab. See the synergy? Lots of demons who can Dimension Step take up rogue classes. Besides, Seductress is a prestige class, like Necromancer. Not something your ordinary whores get.

I really, really wished I could strangle Enash right then.

Abby Thorson

Species: Demonic Futanari / Human

Class: Necromancer / Seductress

Level: 1

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 8

Intelligence:8

Wisdom: 7

Charisma 11

Health: 15/20

Mana: 65/81

Endurance: 23/30

Experience for Next Level: 997

Innate Demonic Ability: Dimension Step

Innate Seductress Abilities: Back Stab (Seductress version), Special Attraction

Spells: Life Drain, Detect Magic, Animate Lesser Undead, Charm Person

I immediately noticed that my name was now changed. Well, I guess there was no reason for the system display to think of me as Abel, given that it didn’t work on Earth anyway. Apparently the blow on my arm was significant as far as health was concerned. And I still hadn’t gotten any experience points for the zombie fight. I looked at my new abilities.

Charm Person: Sways an individual sentient being to like you more, and act in your interest against its better judgment. It will be receptive to suggestions, although it will not necessarily obey them. If it is capable of being sexually attracted to the Seductress, it will become significantly more so. Being must be able to see and hear the caster. Consumes mana.

Special Attraction: All individuals of the opposite sex have increased sexual attraction to the Seductress if they can sense her with any of their senses.

That was pretty heteronormative. And what counted as opposite sex to a futanari? Everyone, or no one? I wasn’t going to use some mind control power to get people into bed with me.

Backstab (Seductress version): Anyone not expecting an attack from the Seductress will take double damage from any attack she makes. Anyone sexually aroused will take triple damage.

Charm them, turn them on, and then kill them. There was synergy there, alright, but it was an evil synergy, just like the Life Drain, Animate Dead combo.

Xyla was at my side, touching my shoulder softly and letting her chest brush my good arm. Just letting me know she was there, I guess, without interrupting.

I smiled at her. “I’m okay,” I said, not sure I was. I was pissed, although definitely not at her. Enash’s “I know something you don’t know” bit with the contents of the bag was one thing. Him choosing a character class just because he wanted my life to be a more pornographic movie for his entertainment was something else. “Enash is kind of a jerk. He can’t mess with me, so he’s messing with my system display.”

Hey. Right here.

Xyla frowned. “A system display is a very private thing. Most races believe that it isn’t even right to talk about what’s there.”

I nodded. “Well, then, let’s not.”

“Did you get the wand?”

“Yes. It’s an ugly thing with a skull on the end, but apparently it will let me cast my best spell at range, so that’s something. There’s some other stuff, too, but I can’t actually get access to it right now, even though I have it in a bag. It’s complicated. Enash is being a prick.”

Still right here.

“You know what else is complicated?” Xyla asked.

I shook my head.

“You. Me. And Gren.” Xyla moved around behind me and wrapped her arms around me, except that one of her hands ended up on my thighs, just below the skirt, and the other had a handful of my right breast.

I looked at Gren, who sat lounging up against a tree about twenty feet away, and was watching us.

“You don’t mind, do you, if I show you off? She thinks I’m lying.”

A part of me wanted to be ornery, because Enash was probably salivating at the thought of the three of us. Well, if he could salivate, he would be. But that was no reason to deny what I wanted. We’d gotten what we came for — and the Seductress class, even if it wasn’t what I would have chosen, was better than no new class at all.

“Go ahead,” I said, and Xyla lifted my skirt.

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