The Accidental Necromancer
Chainsaw vs. Zombies

I was worried it would be hard to find the rock I’d found last time, the one that looked like it could have once had something of a “nose.” But Xyla’s sense of direction was uncanny, and her squirrels helped her find things.

The compass worked. I don’t know if it pointed to a north pole, but it pointed in the same direction all the time, and I was able to make a better map. I could probably find my way back on my own, which was important to me.

It took another hour after locating the rock to find the cave. It wasn’t much, just a crack in the ground, really. But when we found it Enash recognized it instantly.

That’s it! Power is at hand! Either that or a horrible death being mutilated by zombies. Well, anything is better than being the captive of an incompetent weakling.

Having you in my head is no picnic, either, I thought of saying, but it seemed unlikely to help matters. I wondered if he was luring me into a trap.

“I’ll go first,” Gren said.

I shook my head. “I should go. This is for me. I’d expect you to take the bigger risks for your village, and Xyla for her forest.”

Even though Gren was bigger, I didn’t doubt that she could get down there if I could. She was pretty skinny, other than up top.

“I’ll keep watch up here,” Xyla said. And she walked into a tall oak tree, and disappeared.

Neat trick. She probably made a hell of a guerilla warrior, as long as she was in her forest.

I took my phone out of my backpack and used it as a flashlight to peer into the crack.

“What is that?” Gren asked, crouching down with me.

“It’s easiest to just say that it’s magic.”

“The easy way is often not the best way.”

“But sometimes it’s best to go with it,” I replied. I couldn’t see much. There was more cave down there, but I didn’t see any zombies milling around, which might be bad news if it meant that the treasure had already been pillaged, or that Enash was lying to me. Nonetheless, it looked fairly safe.

I tied a harness around my hips with some rope from my backpack, and then used another rope to attach that to a tree. Not the one that Xyla had melded with, as amusing as it might be to tie her up sometime. Then, I slid into the crack in the earth, one hand on the rope, one hand on my chainsaw, and feeling a bit like I was playing Tomb Raider.

The cave mouth is kind of like a pussy, don’t you think?

I wasn’t thinking it, and now that he’d mentioned it, I didn’t want to.

I didn’t need the rope, as it turned out. There were rocks I could scramble on if I wanted to get back out, and the floor of the cave was only eight feet or so below the fissure. I shone my light around. Curved stone enclosed me all about, but in one direction there was an opening.

Gren landed on her feet next to me, her bow ready and an arrow in her other hand.

“Might have waited for my signal,” I suggested, untying the hip harness.

“No zombies,” she said.

“No.”

I took a headlamp out of my pack, and strapped it on, turning it on. It had come in useful before for fiddling tasks inside dark closets, but I’d never used it in a cave. I flicked it on.

“Nice,” she said. “You’re a light mage, then?”

Hahahaha!

“Not exactly.”

“I’ll go first,” Gren said.

“I have the light, and you have a ranged weapon. I go first,” I said firmly. Did I want to? Hell no. But it made the most sense.

“What is that thing, anyway?” she asked, pointing to the chainsaw.

“Think of it kind of like a sword,” I told her. “It makes some noise, though, so don’t be startled.” I wasn’t going to demonstrate, just in case the noise alerted something that didn’t notice the light. Cautiously, I crept forward, letting my lamp show the way. Gren nocked an arrow.

The cave narrowed, then widened again. It seemed quiet.

As quiet as a tomb. Although it smelled really, really bad, like a steak forgotten in the fridge. I only had that happen once, but I’d never forget the smell.

I crept forward.

“Watch out!” Gren shouted, just as I’d noticed myself. What I thought were rocks or irregularities in the floor suddenly rose up. There were four of them, grey, shambling figures. Flesh fell off their bodies when they stood, revealing naked bone in spots. They each held a large metal club.

I had to bite back the urge to throw up. They possibly hadn’t moved in eons. Well, at least this was an enemy that didn’t make me wonder what I should do. The dead should not move. I turned on the chainsaw.

They should have all gone after one of us, but I guess zombies aren’t master tacticians. Two of them went for Gren, who was still twenty feet back. And whatever primitive instincts guided them probably led them to think that a weapon being held fairly still without obvious sharp edges wasn’t very dangerous. In fact, the first one decided to simply bat the chainsaw aside.

Its arm fell to the ground with a thump. I shifted my weapon and sawed right through his torso.

I had to dodge out of the way while the other one swung his club at me, and it still caught my arm. They were a little on the slow side, but he was basically swinging a steel baseball bat. If it connected solidly, it was going to break bones, and the bone he’d been going for had been my skull, which meant that my arm only got a nasty bruising side swipe of a blow that turned it numb.

I couldn’t parry with my chainsaw. It wasn’t designed to hit metal, and would probably break, with little shards going everywhere. And it was fair to say that it wasn’t a weapon designed for agility, either.

Gren had fired two shots with a bow and now had her knife out. The arrows had stuck, but they didn’t seem to do much.

Dimension Step. The zombie’s second swing, which would have come crashing down on my head, clattered against the ground as I disappeared. I reappeared right behind one of the ones menacing Gren. The demonic ability didn’t change the direction I was facing, and I had to pivot just slightly to run my saw through its midsection.

It collapsed in two pieces.

“Holy crap!” Gren yelled, proving that some concepts cross all cultural boundaries. I think she was talking about the chainsaw, but almost at the same instant the momentum of the zombies swing carried its club into her leg. I was relieved not to hear any splintering bones. She parried another metal club with her knife, and then swung at the abomination’s neck. Its head lolled, but it was still moving.

I thought she could probably manage the rest, and turned just in time. I hadn’t gotten far enough away from the zombie that had been after me, and as I turned my chainsaw hit his club. The chainsaw kicked back from the contact and jerked out of my hand. I knew the chain was all messed up now anyway. I dove to the side, and narrowly missed losing a nipple because I wasn’t used to dodging so as to get my boobs out of the way. I’d hit nails before, which sucked, but nothing like a metal bar being swung at me with force.

Dimension Step. I was weaponless, and I wasn’t sticking around for another blow, even if I didn’t know exactly where I should go. The zombie hung on to its club somehow. It turned around until it found me at the far edge of the cave, which probably wasn’t hard given that I had a light bulb attached to my head, and charged in my direction. Well, fine, at least that took time. The zombie on Gren was just flailing blindly, and she ducked in and under its swing and cut its neck the rest of the way off.

Its head fell to the floor first, and then the rest of its rotting body.

Dimension Step. I moved to where the halves of the first zombie I’d cut in two lay and grabbed its metal club. The remaining zombie whirled to face me again. But the odds had changed from two against four to two against one. I just had to not screw up, which given that I didn’t know what I was doing and had no training, wasn’t necessarily going to be easy. But I could Dimension Step at least five more times.

I didn’t need to. Gren moved behind it, and it paid no attention to her as it fixated on me. I backed up slowly, getting ready to try to parry its club with mine. They met in a jarring clash of metal, although at least this clash didn’t involve a power tool. Still, I felt it in my hands, and was reminded that my left arm wasn’t happy, either. I hung on.

Gren slashed through its spine, and it seemed to balance precariously for a moment before finally topping to the floor of the cave.

“Two each!” Gren said.

“But who’s counting?” I said weakly.

“I am,” Gren said, clearly wondering why I was confused about that.

She was limping, although trying to hide it. I did a quick look around, looking for more enemies but also making sure that the dead stayed dead. They’d already proven they were fuzzy on that concept, and I wasn’t sure they weren’t going to move just because they’d been cut in two. But no, it seemed we’d won.

I also hadn’t gotten an experience notification for it, which was annoying, but I was happy to be alive. When the chainsaw hit the club, I had freaked out a little. But I gave myself credit. I’d stayed in the fight and kept being useful. And really, not much in my life had prepared me for zombies with metal clubs trying to kill me.

And now, a nicely built woman in skimpy leather was looking at me with admiration. “You move so fast. I could hardly even see you move. Such an amazing woman. And when that short skirt flounces up, it’s so distracting.”

I grinned. “You were pretty awesome yourself,” I told her.

She made a face. “My arrows were useless. I hit them right in the eye, and they kept coming. Zombies.” She spat on the ground.

“I know, right?” I said.

The cave went deeper. My arm was sore, but functional, and I’d lost my main advantage with the chainsaw. Maybe we should turn back. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be if we fought another group, or how effective a club would be against the undead. “How’s your leg?”

“Bruised, I think. It’ll hurt worse tomorrow. I can continue. Let’s get what we came for.”

There might not be any more guardians.

Might. “I can repair my chainsaw, and probably heal up some if we go back. Another fight like that and I don’t know what would happen.” Although maybe a chainsaw wasn’t such a great weapon, after all. Maybe I needed to get a sword, and I suspected I could just go buy one, back on Earth. I’d just have to tell someone I intended to hang it up on the wall, rather than actually use it.

Kidding! There aren’t any. Go on, get the wand. It’s in the next chamber.

To give him his due, he’d played fairly straight with me about the cave so far. And there was a danger in Gren knowing about it, especially if it was now unguarded. I thought I could trust her, but I didn’t have great reasons, and I knew I had a prejudice for attractive women. Femme body or no, that hadn’t changed a bit. But I didn’t think she’d stop at much to rescue her father, and I didn’t know that I could blame her for that.

“We can go back if you want,” Gren said. “But as I said, it’ll stiffen up tomorrow and be worse. What is this thing, anyway?” She gestured at the chainsaw, but was clear she didn’t want to get too close to it, even though the auto shut-off meant that it was no longer whirring. “Chainsaw, you said?”

“Yeah. It’s really not meant to be a weapon. More of a replacement for an axe or a saw, really. But it’s what I had.”

“It was brutal,” she said with admiration. “But it’s broken?”

“It’ll need to be fixed, yes. Alright, let’s go on.”

Gren smiled. “I love a woman with courage. Seeing you fight made me wet.”

Alrighty then. Knowing she was horny made me a little horny, too, but I wasn’t going to get it on with her in the middle of a cave that might still have zombie guardians in it. “Let’s talk about that when we get out.”

“I accept your promise, Abby of the whirring weapon,” she said.

“It wasn’t a promise, just a suggestion.”

“Okay, she whose bottom bounces bountifully.”

She really liked her alliteration.

We kept going deeper into the cave, with me leading. How much did the skirt flip up, anyway? I thought it was long enough, but I suppose combat was a different issue. I wasn’t flashing Gren just by walking ahead of her, was I?

And if I was, did I really mind?

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