Surviving marriage in yandere world
Chapter 34: System Mission: Use a Fake Identity

Chapter 34: Chapter 34: System Mission: Use a Fake Identity

It was a quiet morning in the Caelmont outer district—a rare, blessed moment where no dragon smoke trailed from the sky, no paladins shouted declarations of love, and no chapel bells rang for spontaneous weddings.

In a shadowy alley behind a bakery that smelled suspiciously like strawberry-scented soap, Rei knelt over a crate, whispering curses as he unwrapped the contents of a glowing System-branded satchel.

"I swear, if this is another mission that ends with me being ’emotionally claimed’—"

[System Mission: Use a Fake Identity – Objective: Blend Into the Common Masses Without Triggering a Yandere Detection Event.]

[Reward: 1 Free Hour of Not Being Hunted.]

[Penalty for Failure: Immediate Romantic Conquest by All Five (5) Fiancées, Simultaneously.]

"...I knew it," Rei muttered.

He peered inside the disguise kit. That kit contained:

One pair of bushy fake eyebrows

A tunic that said "I ♥ Turnips"

A dirt-smudged name tag that read "GERALDO"

A glue stick labeled "Essence of Peasant"

And a fake mustache so bushy it looked like a sentient caterpillar had fused with despair

[System Note: Wearing the turnip shirt increases camouflage among lower economic tiers by +12 Charisma (Farming Class Only). Side effect: May attract actual turnips.]

Rei stared. "You want me to go out into public looking like a rejected scarecrow?"

[Yes.]

"I’ll be mobbed in ten minutes."

[To be right you’ll be mobbed in seven.]

He groaned and began applying the disguise like he was prepping for a theatrical tragedy.

First came the tunic and It itched in all the wrong places and smelled faintly of boiled cabbage then the name tag—already falling off. Next was the glue stick.

"...Essence of Peasant," Rei muttered. "Why does it smell like expired mud?"

He smeared it on his face, attempting a "rugged look." The glue clung like betrayal. When he tried to adjust the fake mustache, it suctioned directly to his left eyebrow.

"No! Mustache goes under nose, not above the eye!"

[System Tip: You are now ’Geraldo the Confused Turnip Monk.’ Reposition mustache.]

Eventually, he fixed it—more or less then he looked into a puddle.

"...I’ve become a bearded cabbage."

[Estimated Peasant Camouflage Rating: 57%. Success Chance: Below Average.]

"I survived dragonfire, obsessive nobles, and a nun with holy stabbing powers. Surely I can blend in with peasants."

In the pleasant Plaza fifteen Minutes Later.

Rei stepped onto the cobblestone plaza like a condemned man walking into traffic.

"Ah... sweet, breathable air," he sighed.

The market bustled with noisy commoners. Stalls overflowed with cabbages, bolts of scratchy fabric, and turnip-themed baked goods. Someone juggled chickens and someone else juggled actual fire for some reason.

Rei inhaled the stench of pickles, raw garlic, and community regret.

A peasant walked past and nodded. "Good mornin’, brother Turnip."

"Good morning, my turnip brother," Rei replied stiffly, trying to blend in.

The man grinned and held up a turnip like a chalice. "To the harvest!"

"...Sure," Rei said.

He strolled past a flower vendor.

"Hello! Fresh violets for your maiden’s favor?" the vendor chirped.

"I have no maiden," Rei replied. "I am Geraldo. A turnip... grower and I specialize in emotional root vegetables."

The vendor paused. "You grow... emotional turnips?"

"Yes. They sob during harvest. It was very cathartic."

The vendor squinted. "Your face looks familiar."

Rei laughed too loudly. "Ha ha! No! I have a very generic peasant face!"

He hurried on to the next stall—a little boy stopped him.

"Mister, wanna trade your shirt for my magic worm? It’s good luck!"

"No thanks, I—wait, why is your worm glowing?"

"It ate my sister’s engagement ring."

Rei backed away slowly.

Then a sweet old lady hobbled up and pinched his cheeks. "You look just like my grandson Bartholomew. Come! Let me feed you dumplings of grief!"

Before he could object, she shoved a pickled yam into his mouth. He gagged It tasted like heartbreak and laundry water.

[System Alert: 3 Commoner Girls Have Detected High ’Protagonist Energy.’]

[You are now being Observed.]

He turned suddenly three teen girls huddled behind a melon cart, whispering and pointing.

One mouthed, "Is that the duke’s son?"

Another squealed, "No way, he’s wearing a turnip shirt. That’s obviously a disguise!"

The third clutched her heart. "I read this in a romance novel once—he’s pretending to be poor to find a true wife!"

"Time to move," Rei muttered.

He ducked down an alley but it’s too late.

A scream split the air.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAA! IT’S HIM!!!"

"THE MYSTERIOUS TURNIP PRINCE!"

"I’M READY FOR YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE!"

Rei sprinted through the plaza. "THIS IS NOT HOW CAMOUFLAGE WORKS!"

[System Notification: You Are Now Being Chased By: 17 Commoner Fangirls.]

[Distance to Obsession Overload: 150 meters.]

They surged forward—wielding picnic baskets, embroidered undergarments, and romance scrolls titled "Seduction of the Scarecrow Prince."

A bard popped out of nowhere, playing a lute:

"Oh Turnip Prince, of sweat and root—

Come court me now, in peasant boot!"

"WHO PAID HIM?!"

"I just wanted to blend in!" Rei cried, dodging a flying bra with suspicious embroidery.

[System Advice: Engage ’Emergency Social Camouflage Maneuver: Shovel Dancing.’]

"I’m not shovel dancing in public!"

[Then run.]

Rei sprinted toward a pottery stall, ducked behind a fruit crate, and skidded into a barrel labeled "Pickled Koi Turnips." The scent was so strong it made him briefly forget his blood type.

Inside, he hallucinated a sentient vegetable proposing marriage.

[System Bonus: Temporary +1 to Delirium Resistance.]

Outside, the fangirls surrounded the barrel like wolves in perfume.

"I smell noble shampoo!"

"He might be in one of these barrels!"

"Tip them all!"

[System Alert: Fangirl Swarm Reaches Critical Mass. Initiating Anti-Mob Protocol.]

Suddenly, the sky cracked.

BOOM. CRACK. WHOOSH.

Five glowing pillars erupted from the earth like divine anvils.

From each magical glyph descended doom in feminine form.

Drakana crashed down in flames and the cobblestones cracked. Her wings stretched wide, and her eyes blazed. "WHERE is my prey—I mean, beloved?"

Seraphina descended in a golden bubble shaped like a palace seal. Bureaucratic scrolls whirled around her like battle banners. "Declare the location of my husband or pay your taxes in flesh."

Lilia floated down on clouds of doves, each carrying tiny veils and wedding invitations. One dove dropped a tiara onto her head mid-flight. "My wedding rehearsal senses tingled."

Faye emerged upward from a manhole, dual knives spinning. A fangirl screamed as she vanished from the background.

On the ground, "FAYE WAS HERE" was carved into the bricks in blood.

Rosette calmly walked out from behind a fruit stall, sipping tea with floating lemon slices. "I brought napkins because I sensed there’d be blood again."

Rei emerged from the barrel like a haunted vegetable. Pickle juice dripped from his shirt and his mustache now clung to his neck like a leech.

The girls turned as one.

Rei lifted one hand weakly. "I can explain—"

Rosette smiled.

"Time to cull," she said gently.

"CULL?!"

Lilia clapped her hands. "This is a sacred trial. If you wish to love Rei, survive the gauntlet."

Drakana’s eyes glowed. "Initiating Flame Round."

Faye dropped twenty smoke bombs and vanished into the fog. "Whoever survives gets a finger of his!"

Seraphina summoned a hundred glowing arrows and sang, "Archery practice has been... lonely."

Suddenly the plaza exploded. Fangirls screamed and Carts flipped and Doves kamikaze’d into pickles.

Rei dove behind a cabbage cart. "SYSTEM! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A STEALTH MISSION!"

[System Note: This counts as Stealth... from emotional safety.]

"YOU SAID ONE HOUR OF PEACE!"

[Technically, it’s only been 42 minutes.]

He peeked and saw.

Rosette’s parasol pinned a scarf to a wall with surgical precision.

Drakana roasted a melon cart while laughing.

Lilia was gently braiding a fangirl’s hair and whispering, "You’ll look lovely at your funeral."

Seraphina levitated fangirls into the sky like romantic balloons.

Faye? Someone screamed from a rooftop again.

"I’ve made everything worse," Rei whispered.

[Yes you have made everything worse.]

One fangirl crawled toward him, eyes wide.

"Turnip Prince..." she gasped. "Please... take my... basket of love..."

Rei hesitated, suddenly five weapons clicked behind him and that fangirl’s smile wilted.

Rosette loomed. "Darling, You wouldn’t want to betray our sacred household, would you?"

"I’M IN DISGUISE!"

"You accepted her basket," Lilia whispered. "That’s the ritual of the fields. You’re betrothed now."

"NO, IT’S NOT!"

Drakana cracked her knuckles. "Should I roast her or the basket?"

"She’s already gone!" Rei yelped. Faye dragged her into a barrel like a horror movie.

"I don’t like violence," Seraphina murmured, wrapping golden vines into a heart-shaped noose. "But I love... regulation."

"I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL!"

[System Reminder: You are the MC ’Normal’ is no longer an option.]

Suddenly—A watermelon wedge floated down from the sky like a fruity throne.

Eris lounged atop it in beachwear, sipping watermelon soda.

"Oooooooh," she said. "Nice chaos today. I give it a 9.5, You lose points for not crying blood."

Rei pointed. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

"Nah. The fangirls are your fault because I only installed the disguise kit and if you want you can blame the mustache."

"THE MUSTACHE IS CURSED!"

[System Notification: Mission Status – Utter Failure.]

[You have not blended into commoners. Instead, you have caused:

1 public riot

1 fruit-based inferno

1 confirmed accidental engagement

27 trauma events among innocent bystanders

And 1 goddess-approved spectacle.]

[Reward Revoked. Penalty Activated.]

[All Five Fiancées Will Now Engage: ’Mandatory Comfort Phase.’]

"Comfort? That doesn’t sound—"

Drakana picked him up by the collar. "Let’s go soak your wounds in firewater."

Seraphina hugged his arm. "The palace will be locked and no one will get out."

Lilia whipped out a scroll. "I’ll write the marriage vows in turnip juice!"

Faye whispered, "Your blood pressure’s high. I’ll fix that."

Rosette tapped his chest. "Your heartbeat sounds lovely. I’ll preserve it."

Rei screamed as they carried him off like a holy artifact.

Eris slurped her drink. "I love this show."

To be continued...

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