Surviving marriage in yandere world
Chapter 33: Rosette’s Parasol Stabbing Incident

Chapter 33: Chapter 33: Rosette’s Parasol Stabbing Incident

The grand cathedral of Saint Lumina stood like a beacon of divine serenity atop Caelmont’s eastern hill, its gleaming spires reaching toward the heavens like judgmental fingers.

Inside, sunlight poured through stained glass windows in shafts of kaleidoscopic brilliance, illuminating rows of pews, golden altars, and one highly suspicious man crouched behind a confessional booth while wheezing into a stolen hymnal.

"I swear... I just wanted to breathe for five minutes," Rei muttered, curled under the priest’s lectern like a stray cat.

He peeked out the side. There is no angry princesses, no burning chariots or No dragon breath, only Peace, sweet, temporary peace was outside.

[System Notification: Proximity to Holy Grounds grants +1 Hope Buff. Duration: 15 minutes or until someone yandere-sniffs your soul.]

"...Please don’t say that."

[System Reminder: Rosette’s Soul Sense Passive is currently Active.]

He froze.

No no no no no no—

Step. Step. Tap. Tap. Tap.

He heard them before he saw her: gentle, rhythmic footsteps echoing along the cathedral marble, paired with the soft tap of a parasol against the floor. The kind of rhythmic beat that wasn’t so much walking as it was ceremonial stalking.

A soft hymn began to play.

Then he saw her descending the aisle like an angel of subtle homicide was Rosette, dressed in a pristine white nun’s habit, her parasol cradled like a holy relic, eyes half-lidded in tender devotion... and full yandere mode.

She paused, tilted her head, and whispered into the silence.

"Rei."

His soul shrieked.

[System Alert: Stealth Failed. Passive Skill – "Rosette’s Divine Radar" has activated.]

[Tracking Status: Your soul has been flagged as ’Blessedly Stabbable.’]

He tried to scoot further under the altar but it was too late.

"Why are you here, Rosette?" he whispered, voice trembling.

She glided closer, smile serene.

"I sensed you. Your soul was trembling like a shy prayer in the wind."

"That doesn’t even make sense—"

"Your fear tastes like incense," she whispered, kneeling beside the pew.

He tried to dash but her hand moved and with a single elegant flick, her parasol whipped forward—not toward his chest, but toward his sleeve, nailing the fabric to the ancient wood of the pew with a vicious thud.

Rei yelped, twisting around like a startled octopus. "YOU STABBED ME!"

She tilted her head. "No. I gently affixed you."

"You turned a sunshade into a javelin!"

"I consecrated it first."

Rei tugged uselessly at the sleeve now pinned with divine precision. "This is sacrilege!"

[System Notification: You have been Impaled With Affection. Binding Duration: Until Rosette Is Done Watching You Breathe.]

"You can’t keep me here forever," he protested.

Rosette leaned in, her lips brushing his ear. "You once let me bandage your scraped knee when we were five that was a vow."

Rei’s brain short-circuited. "Rosette. That was a Scooby-Doo Band-Aid."

She lowered her parasol just slightly, smile so serene it bordered on divine madness. "It had hearts on it."

"That was ketchup," Rei hissed. "We were eating nuggets!"

Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment. "You bled nobly."

He groaned. "It was a papercut. You cried harder than I did!"

She didn’t blink. "I was mourning your suffering."

Suddenly, her voice dropped and her gaze drifted far into memory. "Do you remember what you said after I patched you up?"

"No—" Rei started, then paled. "Wait no. You can’t mean—"

"I said, ’There, All better.’" Her voice softened to a whisper. "And you said, ’Now you’re my favorite nurse forever.’"

Rei clutched his skull. "I WAS FIVE!"

[System Memory Unlocked: ’Childhood Pact – Nurse for Eternity’]

[Rosette’s Interpretation Modifier: Romance Multiplier x100]

[Updated Status: You have technically been in a lifelong medical-marital bond.]

She gazed at him reverently. "That’s why I spent twelve years mastering first aid. So I’d be ready to save your heart."

Rei stared at her. "You stitched a bear once with human sutures and called it rehearsal."

Rosette gently stroked the hem of her habit. "He survived the procedure that’s what matters."

[Affection Level: 99.6%]

[Possessiveness: 97%]

[Likelihood of Casual Murder: 93%]

[New Meter Unlocked: Nun Mode – 100% Chaste, 0% Safe]

[System Note: We’re all going to die but romantically.]

Rei leaned back against the pew, mind unraveling.

"I should’ve just died from the papercut..."

She tilted her head, glowing softly in the cathedral’s light. "Don’t worry. I’d have preserved your body in roses and wept daily over your shrine."

"THAT’S NOT COMFORTING!" Rei tried to think rationally.

"Listen, Rosette, I respect your... uh, holiness but I’m not trying to run from you specifically, I’m running from everyone equally."

"So noble," she whispered. "A martyr."

"I’M NOT A MARTYR."

"You will be," she said, deadpan.

"THAT’S NOT REASSURING."

She withdrew the parasol just enough for Rei to jerk his arm free—but when he tried to run again, she flicked her wrist and the parasol collapsed into a dagger configuration. It whirred like an unfolding fan of murder.

Rei backed into a pew, hands up. "Okay, okay! No need to re-crucify me!"

[System Suggestion: Try appeasing her with compliments, Gregorian chants, or light weeping.]

"Rosette, you look lovely in that nun outfit," Rei blurted. "It’s just the right blend of terrifying and... terrifying."

She smiled sweetly. "I stitched your name into the hem."

Rei peeked.She did In red thread with a little heart.

Rosette pressed her hands together in prayer. "May the Lord bless this union and grant me the strength to neutralize your escape routes."

"Don’t bless that!"

She turned to the altar. "Forgive this man, for he knows not the depth of my devotion."

"I DO KNOW. THAT’S WHY I’M RUNNING."

Just then, the cathedral doors creaked open and more footsteps.

Rei’s heart stopped.

"NO."

Seraphina strode in, flanked by two glowing paladins and a choir singing a wedding march. "Rei I sensed your heartbeat through the royal engagement link."

Faye dropped from the rafters, twirling two smoke bombs. "You were foolish to hide somewhere I trained in sabotage."

Lilia emerged from a confessional, still wearing her wedding rehearsal gown. "I forgive you for hiding from our love. Also, I planted tulips at your funeral site in advance."

Drakana tore through a stained-glass window, roaring with flame. "I HAVE COME FOR THE CEREMONY OF HOLY IGNITION."

Rei looked around the cathedral. Five girls now encircled him, each armed with emotion, fire, sharp things, or devotion forged into weapons.

"Does anyone here object to this absolute insanity?!" he cried.

A priest peeked out from under the altar, saw the scene, and went back under.

Rosette stepped between him and the others, parasol gently resting on her shoulder. "Sisters," she said calmly. "He entered my sacred domain first. Please respect the sanctity of the nun bond."

Seraphina squinted. "You’re not even a real nun."

"I took online vows."

"You stabbed a pew!"

"God forgives precision," Rosette replied flatly.

[System Update: Battle of Beloveds – Cathedral Variant Initiated]

[Round One: Rosette vs. Everyone Else]

[Objective: Win Rei’s approval or a partial hug]

Faye cracked her knuckles. "He hugged me in Chapter 6. That still counts."

Seraphina unsheathed a rapier. "I own a third of the moon in our name."

Drakana blew smoke. "He let me lick his palm. Now the bond is sealed."

Lilia smiled with disturbing calm. "I did his laundry once naked."

Rei screamed. "NONE OF THESE ARE LEGAL CONTRACTS!"

[System: Wrong, In this world they are.]

As the tension hit its peak, a bell tolled above and Rosette bowed.

"Then let us make this sacred."

She tapped her parasol to the floor then The floor lit up with glowing runes.

Rei gasped. "Is that a Binding Circle?!"

Rosette nodded. "Wedding prelude version."

"You rigged the cathedral?!"

"Always be prepared."

The runes began to glow hotter. The air shimmered and Incense turned to mist.

And then...

BOOM.

The cathedral doors exploded off their hinges with divine flair as a rift in reality tore open mid-aisle like a god’s badly timed sneeze and a shimmer of golden glitter fell from above.

And through the portal floated Eris, upside-down, reclining on a levitating chaise lounge made of heart-shaped marshmallows, dressed in a scandalous two-piece clergy cosplay with glowing sunglasses perched atop her head.

She licked a marshmallow swan.

"Oh no, don’t mind me," the Goddess of Chaos and Questionable Plot Twists purred. "Just stopping by to throw more oil on this already-burning cathedral of romantic delusion."

Her chaise spun upright mid-air, and with a lazy snap, she conjured a massive whiteboard covered in blinking arrows, spirals, and doodles of Rei being chased by knives.

She pointed a pointer stick shaped like a heart-stabbed scroll directly at Rei.

"I hereby issue a System Command!"

Everyone froze, even Rosette and smoke also.

Even the priest under the altar, who peeked once, whispered a prayer, and peeked again.

A giant glowing system banner unfurled in the air behind Eris, accompanied by a chorus of dissonant violins:

[System Mission: Kiss One (1) Yandere Within Ten Minutes...

...OR Be Kissed By ALL At Once.]

[Difficulty: Romantic Apocalypse]

[Failure Penalty: Psychological Collapse + Glitter Rash]

[Timer Initiating: 10:00...]

Rei stared at the floating words like a man watching his own obituary be autographed.

"WHAT KIND OF SOPHIE’S CHOICE IS THIS?!"

Eris pulled out a laser pointer and clicked on the next slide.

Behind her, a digital projection lit up the cathedral wall:

Probability of Escape: 1.2% (If You Turn Into A Duck)

Estimated Emotional Fallout: YES

Best Strategic Option: Cry Softly and Submit

Bonus Mode: ’Kiss Rosette – God Mode Activated’

"I even made you a romantic escape matrix," Eris said, clicking through options.

→ Kiss Faye: 89% chance of detonation

→ Kiss Lilia: Side effect may include bridal binding contract and confetti grenades

→ Kiss Seraphina: Instant engagement. Also, she’ll name a city after you.

→ Kiss Drakana: Requires flame resistance and a fireproof soul.

→ Kiss Rosette: Auto-activation of ’Eternal Vow Protocol: Nun Edition’

→ Abstain: Mass affection-based gang smooching. Hope you like trauma.

Eris leaned over and whispered, "You’ve got ten minutes, loverboy. Or you’ll need five lip balms and a therapist."

The timer above his head began ticking ominously:

[9:59... 9:58... 9:57...]

Rei turned back—only to see all five women step forward in perfect, terrifying synchronization.

Faye swirled her daggers—now mysteriously shaped like lipstick tubes—and popped a compact mirror open. "I brought flavored chapstick now pick a flavor, darling"

Seraphina’s eyes blazed with regal confidence as she uncorked a tiny bottle. "Love Potion No. 108. It only works if love is mutual, let’s test it."

Lilia held up a signed contract, stamped, and sealed in pink wax. "Pre-approved affection, notarized and blessed by three marriage clerics."

Drakana’s tongue flicked flame across her lips. "I only need one second of contact to complete the Bond of Eternal Heat."

Rosette gently closed her parasol, eyes glowing faintly. "I have already pre-memorized twenty-seven biblical kiss verses."

Rei pressed his back against the pew again, trembling like a deer in an active volcano.

"Can I kiss a wall? A rock? MY OWN HAND?!"

[System: Invalid Targets only Yandere-class affection units qualify.]

"WHAT KIND OF WORLD DESIGN IS THIS?!"

[System: The romantic kind.]

Eris sat back and sipped divine strawberry milk from a wine glass. "Just remember, if you hesitate too long, I also coded in Simultaneous Multilateral Affection Cascade Protocol."

Rei blinked. "That sounds fake."

Eris grinned. "It’s not."

The cathedral shook and then girls all began to lean slightly forward—

[9:45... 9:44...]

Rei screamed and then the screen faded to black as the faint sound of five different lip-gloss tubes clicking open echoed across the pews like the war drums of a deeply personal apocalypse.

To be continued...

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