Miho the Killer
Chapter 31: Something I Should Live With

Chapter 31: Something I Should Live With

Monday morning came and I was back in the office. My mind wasn’t quite ready to get back to work and I really wanted to take some time off to look after Miho. It was further tempting for the fact that since Shin promised I could stay and provide for my living expenses, but at the same time, this was a job that Miho helped me get with her brash attitude and a push on my back.

Although it was disorienting to find myself in an organized place full of normalcy again, it didn’t take me long enough to accept that perhaps having a routine life was best for my own mental health as well. We couldn’t afford to have both girls go crazy stuck in Shin’s safe house.

It was a long commute from Paju but thankfully Shin also offered me a ride. While it was kind though, I suspected that he was in a way keeping an eye on me as well. He couldn’t have me plucked off the street by whoever Miho rubbed the wrong way and might be looking for her. The ferocious predator was not what she once was and was as vulnerable as a kitten now.

The day passed very slowly, perhaps also because I was desperately waiting for my appointment with the real Dr. Yang after work. I had the list of medicines that Miho said she’s been taking and also her authorization letter and ID card (where her name was written as Jin Miho) to get the medicine on her behalf.

The work ended eventually and I was exhausted from doing nothing meaningful, and I headed straight to Dr. Yang’s clinic just in time for my appointment. Luckily I did not have to wait too long this time and was able to see the doctor rather promptly.

"Good evening, Ms. Han."

"Good evening, Doctor."

"How are you feeling today?"

"Tired."

"Our sessions... have always gotten interrupted, haven’t they?"

Dr. Yang asked with a witty smile.

"I’m sorry about that."

"No problem. So, shall we get straight to your test results first then?"

In truth, I wanted to get straight to the point and talk about Miho’s medication and convince her to give me the prescription for what Miho needed, but held back from it thinking that building a bit of rapport with her would make things go smoother in future as well. And of course, it wouldn’t hurt me to learn some of Dr. Yang’s mannerisms either although Miho already took me for Dr. Yang without any suspicion.

"Sure thing. Please go ahead."

"Right. Ms. Han. To start off, the most noticeable trait I see is Antisocial where your result far exceeds the threshold value of what we’d qualify as ’severe’. Your result also demonstrates a similar high score in Schizoid and Borderline"

"I... I’m schizophrenic?"

"Ah, it’s a common misconception due to the term. Schizophrenia and Schizoid are very different. Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that typically leads to a break with reality, often resulting in symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. Do you experience any delusions, hallucinations, or feel that you have a problem with cognition?"

"No. Not really."

"Right. You do not score high on the Schizophrenia category either so unless you are experiencing such symptoms, I wouldn’t say it is a concern. Schizoid on the other hand is more of a personality type where you feel detached and disinterested in social relationships."

"Sounds relatable."

"Scoring high in some categories does not automatically mean that it is a ’problem’ that you have. The most important barometer for mental health is whether these traits are affecting your everyday life or not. You can score high in schizoid, but if it just means you prefer solitude in your free time but you can work and interact with other people without a problem in your daily life - such as at work, then it is not something you need to worry about unless it becomes a concern."

"So what does all of this mean?"

"While I can explain to you the general meanings of these traits as I have done, I need to reiterate that what is important is how you feel about your current life. I’m supposing you have visited the clinic because you felt the need for help. I don’t turn down patients who seek help because test results show low values. These results provide insight but they do not override your personal experiences."

I was starting to like Dr. Yang at this point. She seemed calm and collected, straightforward in her explanation, and non-judgmental. Although I was mostly here for Miho this time, it was true that I booked my first appointment due to the incident at McDonald’s.

"Well, I did experience some hallucinations."

"At McDonald’s, you said, right?"

Dr. Yang asked, checking her record.

"Yes."

"Have you had any further incidents other than that?"

"Not really. But... I do get flashbacks of something horrible I’ve witnessed not so long ago."

"A murder."

"Yes."

"How do you feel it affected you?"

Then I thought about what affected me the most from this incident.

The vivid memories of Minji burning to death?

Yes, definitely. Who wouldn’t be traumatized after seeing such horror?

But was that what drove me mad? Was that what kept me awake at night?

It would have been a lie if I said I only reflected upon this after Dr. Yang’s question. I knew the answer to this already. I just wasn’t brave and honest enough to admit that after all, it was my ego-centric heart that bothered me most.

"Guilt. I feel unbearable guilt."

"Were you responsible for her death?"

Dr. Yang looked at me directly. Her gaze was so inviting that I felt like even if I were a murderer myself, to this woman I could probably admit my crime.

But that was then and now is now. Ironically, perhaps my salvation did not lie with atoning myself by seeking revenge on who killed her, but it was by helping a poor girl who was alive in this world and in need of protection - Miho.

"I wasn’t."

The doctor slowly rubbed her mouth and chin with her palm and asked me again.

"Then why do you think you feel such guilt?"

"I feel like I could have stopped it."

Then I looked back at how I could have also stopped Miho from ’dying’ by calling the emergency service instead of abandoning her bleeding. It was only by pure luck that she didn’t die and what I did was equivalent to murder.

"Ms. Han."

"Yes?"

"This may sound a little unrelated, but here it goes. I have a lot of patients who come to see me with severe mental conditions. PTSD, depression, schizophrenia... and sometimes... sometimes I lose a patient as they take their lives, despite the months or even years we spent together in therapy. I always wonder - could it have been different if I could help them more effectively? Was it my failure that they couldn’t overcome their conditions and were driven to suicide?"

"I... wouldn’t think so."

"Why not?"

"You must have tried your best... and no doctor can possibly save every single patient, right?"

"Right."

I kinda understood what she was getting at. She couldn’t possibly have known that I took care of the very killer who killed Minji, but at the same time, she was right in the sense that what Miho did was out of my control.

"I think what you are getting at, Doctor."

"Of course, I do not know the details of your situation. You can choose to tell me whenever you feel comfortable to do so. And I can’t promise you there is any ’treatment’ that can make this feeling of guilt disappear. Depending on the circumstances, maybe we shouldn’t write off the guilt that we should feel. But whichever way you look at it, the most important thing is that we live on."

Yes.

Maybe I can never get over Minji’s death.

Maybe I can never forgive myself for taking in a woman who went on to kill my friend - not to mention countless others whose lives she has taken while being under my care.

But it is a guilt that I must live with. Not try to forget.

"Thank you, Doctor."