There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 533 - 526. Memories of Red

Chapter 533: Chapter 526. Memories of Red

The last time Zein went to a funeral, it was for his already deceased parents, who he knew were already dead since he was born. If anything, it was a memorial service rather than a funeral. Thus, the sadness he felt was momentary, and the relief of finally putting his parents in the same resting place took a bigger place than the sadness.

There were a lot of dead comrades during his Borderland Unit enlistment, but most of them had no body to be buried, since no one had enough extra life to retreat from the Deathzone while carrying a dead weight. With how easily it happened anyway, they became numb to death and after twenty minutes of memorial service in the courtyard, they had to go back to their own duty.

And so, the last time Zein had a sorrowful funeral was seven years ago, if it even could be called that. A mass cremation that would not allow him to recognize the remnants of the twins’s bones. It was abrupt, short, and he had no time to digest it properly until four years later.

Compared to that, this funeral was less personal for him. While he was close to the guides and Anzus, he was rarely involved with other espers since he specialized in guiding high-ranking espers. He knew both of the espers whose funerals he attended, but he never interacted with them, unlike Bassena.

Looking at it like that, he shouldn’t get too affected by the funeral. If anything, he was there to support Bassena.

But he was wrong. Dead wrong.

The fact that it wasn’t personal made his mind wander instead of focusing on the deceased. And for Zein, a wandering mind was dangerous.

Everything started well; he was worried that Erika’s family would lash out at Bassena as the commander, but they didn’t do such a thing. Instead, they thanked the esper for coming to the funeral and told him to hang on. It seemed that Radia’s personal visit and the clip of the battlefield that had been circulating that day from the conference post contributed to that treatment.

Thanks to that, the funeral went on peacefully. It was autumn, and the cemetery was surrounded by a sea of red foliage. The same color of red as that accursed twilight where Zein lost the twins. The leaves swirling in the air and scattering on the ground looked like the bloody road he had to walk on as he carried his brother’s lifeless body.

Zein thought he had overcome it already, but it seemed that the scar ran deep. The twins’ death, for him, was harder than facing the truth about his parents. He held himself well during the first funeral, but on the second one, which was held by the guild, his chest felt heavy with the weight of his necklace.

Perhaps it was the way he knew everyone who was attending. It was quiet, with everyone thinking back to the battlefield; the solemnity of the quiet sorrow reminded him even more of that red day.

Belatedly, Zein realized that he hadn’t stopped to digest his feelings after the battle was over. The emotions buried themselves deep while he was destroying the fragments, and all the visions he got only aggravated the invisible scar.

The forgotten fear that was haunting him during the battle crept to the surface by clawing at his heart. The moment he arrived at their condo, he couldn’t help but throw up. When he washed his face in the sink after, he realized his hands were trembling.

"Zein?" Bassena, who was waiting outside the bathroom, knocked on the door worriedly.

Zein was quiet and pale on the way home, but Bassena was too preoccupied with the funeral to realize it sooner and did something about it. He felt guilty and awful now, after everything was over and he had a leeway to look around.

Thankfully, Zein came out right away. But he still looked pale and didn’t say anything, just going straight to the bed and sitting on the edge with a lowered head. Bassena crouched in front of the guide and rubbed his legs, trying to see the blue eyes behind the curtain of black fringe.

"Hey, are you alright? Are you still feeling unwell from destroying the fragments?"

Now that Bassena thought about it, Zein had spent three days taking care of those fragments while everyone was either resting or going back. There were twelve fragments there, and while not all of them were big or had a vision inside, it would still be hard for the guide to destroy that much, even if the shards helped him to do it.

Haa...he should have checked Zein’s condition more often. He should have been keener. Just because he had a lot to think about...

That being said...Bassena felt something was rather a miss. It didn’t look like it was only caused by exhaustion. Could it be...

Was the vision messed with his mind or something?

"Honey?" Bassena tried to look into the blue eyes, raising his hand to stroke the guide’s cheek.

But before he could do either of those, Zein had already pulled him closer. The guide circled his arms around Bassena’s neck, tightly clasping his hand behind the esper’s head and pressing his forehead against Bassena’s. His breath was heavy, and Bassena could hear how it trembled slightly.

"I feel awful..."

Instantly, Bassena could feel that it wasn’t something physical. He waited, holding Zein’s arms and waited for that stuttered breath to get even.

"I was glad..."

Bassena was confused then. Those were two completely different stuff Zein just told him.

"I was glad that it wasn’t you down there," Zein took a deep breath, closing his eyes as red was filling his vision. The red he saw seeping between the black scale and dripped into his palm. "It felt terrible, this relief."

Bassena grabbed the guide’s arms tighter. "I felt the same, Zein."

Of course, he was. How many times did he want to just leave the battlefield and take Zein away to a safer place? He was so glad that nothing happened to the guide, but was that such a bad thing? Of course not, and he knew Zein also knew that. But the fact that they felt terrible meant they were both human--and decent ones at that.

"I can’t lose you," Zein whispered quietly.

"I--"

"No, you don’t understand," the hand behind Bassena’s neck tightened. "I really can’t lose you."

Even the clasping couldn’t mask the trembling of Zein’s hand. He was scared; he was scared of the red and the forgotten feeling of bitter sorrow.

"Do you know how scared I was? Watching you plunged into the ground?"

At that time, if it wasn’t for adrenaline, Zein would have been too paralyzed to remember that he could summon the esper with his dagger. He could mask everything because of that same adrenaline and the work they had to put in in the aftermath of the battle, but truly...he couldn’t stop shaking while guiding the fainted Bassena back then.

Bassena wanted to argue that he wouldn’t die just from falling into a pile of sand. He also wanted to remind Zein that he still had his [Second Skin of Reincarnation] that would heal him from any lethal wound as long as it wasn’t an instant death.

But it didn’t matter.

It wasn’t about whether or not he could still survive, because the fear would be there all the same. And as someone who felt very protective of Zein himself, he could understand the guide’s concern more than anyone else.

So he nodded, holding the trembling hands on his head firmly. "Okay, I understand. I’m sorry..."

"Do you?" Zein grasped the esper’s face; jaw clenched and eyes gleaming sharply. "Do you really understand?"

Bassena blinked, parting his lips without being able to say a thing. He always failed to know what to do when Zein was agitated.

"Bas, I told you," the harsh grasp was loosening, and the blue eyes stared straight into Bassena’s eyes. "You are my tomorrow’s guarantee."

The amber eyes widened, recalling a conversation and a promise they had made a long time ago.

"If you don’t survive, then I won’t."

The stern and agitated voice had turned soft; so soft it felt vulnerable.

"Even if I’m staying alive," the trembling thumb stroked Bassena’s cheeks gently. As the voice cascaded into nothing but a desperate whisper. "Even if I’m staying alive, I won’t survive."

This time, Bassena felt he was the one trembling. His soul, his heart, which beats for the man in front of him, was shaken to their core. Fear and desperation he had never seen in those blue eyes before gripped the very essence of his existence.

Bassena gritted his teeth and grasped the guide’s cheeks, kissing the man with overflowing emotions flooding every inch of his person. It wasn’t even a long one, but when their lips parted, their breath was caught, stuttering. Their eyes locked, and Zein yanked the esper onto him by the collar, crashing their lips again with yearning.

The yearning of a future.

The second time their lips parted, they were on the sheet. Bassena grabbed Zein tightly inside his embrace and buried his face in the guide’s neck.

"I’m sorry," he whispered. "I’m truly sorry about this, but..." his arms started to tremble and he tightened his hold around the guide as if Zein was going to disappear if he loosened his grip. "I really...I really want to imprint on you."

Bassena had always held himself to say this stuff. He knew Zein had a different feeling about it, no longer seeing it with hatred. But still, Bassena had always been afraid that Zein would change his mind about it someday, and speaking about it might fasten the process.

Yet, Bassena couldn’t help it. At that moment, he felt like he would die if he didn’t say it. Even if Zein got upset later, Bassena could not hold back.

"Yeah," Zein grabbed the esper’s back, clutching into the black suit. "Yeah, I want that too."

Bassena widened his eyes, lifting his head slowly as if afraid it was all just a dream and he would wake up from moving too fast.

"Once everything is over," Zein held the esper’s cheeks. "Let’s do that."