There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)
Chapter 215 - 209. Courage

Chapter 215: Chapter 209. Courage

"I was barely measured as a B-class," Ren started his story after they were finished with their soup. "But for some reason, my foster parents refused to put me in the Temple--ah, I used to live in an orphanage."

Zein felt the corner of his eyes twitched. This story was just starting, but he felt like he already knew the scenario, like a deja vu.

"They instead brought me to this...umm..." the young guide fidgeting again, looking like he had a hard time spelling the words.

"A guild?" Zein asked, but Ren shook his head. "...a brothel?"

The young guide bit his red lips and nodded quietly. Dear Gods--it was worse than Zein had thought. Zein already had it bad with the rogue guild’s slave contract, but at the very least, Umbra operated as a real guild, albeit an illegal one. The worse version of Zein’s experience was what happened to Ren--being sold to one of the underworld’s most prominent illegal businesses; a guide brothel.

The rest of the story was pretty straightforward; years of being pimped out to high-profile espers with perverted taste, locked up and abused mentally and physically, being forced to do things he didn’t want to.

When a joint operation between the government and guilds was enacted secretly to get rid of these illegal activities, it was the twins that rescued the young guide.

"I...had lost my voice then," the young guide recalled. Interestingly, Zein could see that instead of looking miserable, Ren recalled the memory with delight. It was, after all, the beginning of his new life. "They took me in, treated me so well, and...and...although I’m barely adequate, and had become a burden for more than a year, they didn’t throw me out after I can speak again, and they even made me their exclusive guide."

That was quite wholesome, Zein thought. He had wondered if the twins were one of those ’worshippers’, but...he also wondered that even if they did, would it be so bad if the guide in question looked happy?

That being said...

How did they know he was also a victim, though? Zein tapped on the table in confirmation. The information available about him so far, if people dug deep enough, was his service in the borderland.

Ah--Zein suddenly recalled the accident that got him transferred to the deadly unit of 04-2; of him beating an esper so much the man ended up in a critical condition.

"So...I’ve been afraid of other people but them ever since, and..." the young guide continued, before pausing.

"And you refused to go out," Zein finished the sentence.

It was understandable if the one who sold him was someone he trusted, his caretakers. At least, in Zein’s case, he knew Marshall Tadros was a scum from the start. And the people who abused Rem after that consisted of civilians, espers, and ironically, other guides. His ’clients’ were people who took delight in tormenting others, and saw guides as nothing more than a lowly tool to serve them.

The young guide nodded, peeking slightly in Zein’s direction. "But they said...they said you might understand..."

Zein didn’t reply immediately. He mulled over what the twins really wanted him to do. Being harsh? No--they might just want him to talk about it like it is. No sugar coating, not trying to tell the man that things will be alright, or that he should start trusting again. But for this delicate soul, everything might sound harsh.

"I do," he said finally.

Zein might never experience the same thing as what happened to Ren, but that was only because he was strong enough to counter their attempt--not because there wasn’t any attempt. Hell--he was still getting assaulted even in the borderland.

"But...you seem so strong..." the young guide looked at him with round, wide eyes.

"Why?" Zein chuckled, leaning back and spreading his arms slightly. "Because I have a bigger build than other guides?"

"That, and..." the young guide hesitated a little, before speaking in a quieter voice--despite them being the only person there. "You’re very brave, going inside the dungeon like that. I can’t even go outside of the bedroom by myself."

Zein hummed and told Ren to start eating his dinner. He realized that the secretary had arranged their dinner to cater to their preferences, as they didn’t eat the same thing. Zein, while starting to eat more diverse food, always picked meat--something everyone in the red-zone treated like the food of god--and fresh vegetable--something he always yearned for.

But the young guide mostly ate soft food; steamed white fish, puree, clear soup. Zein wondered if his body was still affected after all these years.

"So you always copped up in your bedroom?" he asked after he made sure the man ate half his fish.

"Nho," Ren shook his head, and proceeded to swallow his food first before continuing. "What I mean is...I need someone that I can trust to accompany me out."

Putting his utensils down, the young guide excitedly moved his hands. "Mizar and Alcor made this big garden so I can go out and have a walk around the house," he said, stretching his arms wide. "And, and, sometimes, they take me out to stores and movies and libraries--ah, I don’t like those...umm...digital thing. When I tried it, there were a lot of...uncomfortable things there..."

"I see," Zein let out a smile unconsciously, perhaps because the young guide looked more like a teenager when he was excited like that.

And he was glad. Despite still being scared of the outside world, the young man seemed to be genuinely happy in his own way. It was as if his innocence was trapped within himself, and once he was out of his prison, that innocence surfaced rather than getting erased.

That was good. That was better than him numbing himself, like Zein at some point in his life. There was a bigger chance of healing this way. He didn’t know what the twins had been doing to bring Ren to this state, but he personally thought they did a good job.

"So, you’re not being locked up, right?"

"No?" the young guide looked flabbergasted. "Why would they lock me up?"

He even looked offended. It was clear that he regarded the twins as his savior, so the notion of people thinking about that was so utterly ridiculous and made him angry.

"I just...I’m still scared of the outside world..." he added with a quieter voice.

Zein tapped on his glass softly, looking at the reflection of his neck in the glass, tapping on where his mask was on the reflection. "And you thought I’m brave?"

"Y-yeah!"

"Hmm...I can’t say that’s true," Zein smiled wryly.

The young guide, who had his hands clasped on his chest in reverence, tilted his head confusedly. "Huh?"

"Going into dungeons is just something I always do that it became natural for me, so it doesn’t faze me," Zein shrugged, sounding nonchalant. But his tone grew solemn as he continued. "It’s not because I’m courageous--I was forced to do it at first, and then I did it to survive. It’s not something that I do willingly from the start."

"...oh?"

It was a common false perception among other guides. Oh, how brave, how tenacious. But would Zein do that if he lived in the safer zone? If he grew up like any other guides?

Probably not.

He looked at the young guide and smiled deeply. "If I am truly that courageous, I wouldn’t keep wearing this mask."

The brown eyes widened in surprise, and Zein continued while tapping on his mask. "This is a filter mask, but I keep using it even in the green-zone."

Ren blinked and leaned forward to ask quietly. "It’s not for...what is the phrase--umm--fashion?"

Zein covered his mouth and let out a stifled laugh. He did hear some guides were starting to use a filter mask as a trend--including his own army of chicks. "Pfft, no."

"Then...?"

"I told you--it’s because I’m a coward," Zein answered with a wry smile.

The brown eyes blinked repeatedly, before the young guide leaned back again, thinking about what Zein just said.

"When was it..." Zein crossed his arms and tilted his head up, shifting through his memory. "I think I was thirteen? I saw someone...well, experiencing something similar to you."

"Oh..." Ren pressed his lips and gripped the napkin tightly for a second. Was it the words that triggered his unwanted past, or was it the way Zein talked about it so nonchalantly? But Ren found his heart beating uncomfortably fast.

Zein stared at the young guide with a bitter smile before continuing. "I used the mask because it protected me from the miasma while working, but ever since that day, I used the mask even inside the building, even while I was sleeping."

Ren fiddled with the napkin again as he asked carefully. "Because...you’re afraid they will do the same thing to you?"

"Yes."

Zein answered briefly, turning his head to the window. Not to see the sparkling night view, but to see his own reflection. It was never something he was keen to do; at first because he felt his face was a curse, and then, later, because his eyes were getting number and duller.

"And I guess, I’m still afraid even now," he said. It was something that he never truly shared with anyone. "I’m not comfortable with other people seeing my face, you see--people that I don’t know."

Of course, it wasn’t always a guarantee. Unsavory people would still do unsavory things even with so much precaution, even without knowing how he looked, even after covering every inch of his skin. It wasn’t a lie, however, that people tend to go after those with pretty faces, as if defiling something beautiful gave them a stronger sense of superiority, like plucking a bloom coveted by all.

But even if it didn’t work to deter other people, it still helped him feel more secure, more cautious. It reminded him that he shouldn’t let his guard down. It was his icon of security.

Shifting his gaze back to the young guide and smiled. "Isn’t that the same with you?"

"Ah..." Ren blinked dazedly, still trying to digest Zein’s words. And then he clapped once, eyes sparkling with realization. "Ah! So that’s what they mean that you’ll understand me?"

"Maybe," Zein said--if the twins did find out about his incident in the borderland. But if they went by that, it wasn’t as if there were no other guides in proximity with experience of sexual assault--it wasn’t such a rare thing for guides to have someone made a pass on them even in a professional setting.

"They probably want you to meet someone intimidating, but still safe,"

And there was practically no known guide with an appearance as intimidating as Zein.

"Oh...ohh!"

"And they might want me to tell you that the danger outside your blanket is still manageable," Zein smiled, with a better nuance this time.

Well, the twins didn’t tell him about that, just that they wanted Zein to talk to Ren. But along the way, he thought maybe that was what the twins wanted when they wanted him to be ’harsh’.

"Ah..." the brown eyes blinked slowly.

"I still have those fear, even now," Zein confessed. "But I slowly learned how to face them. Not everything, but some. I’m still trying even now."

Ren took a deep breath as he stared at the blue eyes. He rarely watched media, but he knew about Zein since the twins said the man was interesting. And then he watched the recording of his one-time show by accident, and had been watching it repeatedly since then.

He had wondered; how could this guide become that daring, that brave, that courageous. He wondered if he had to be born like that. He wondered if the man had people staring at him as if they were thirsty for something. He wondered...

He wondered if he could be like that one day, so he didn’t have to be such a burden for his saviors.