The Demon Lord's Bride (BL)
Chapter 189: And then there was me

Chapter 189: And then there was me

How...could he say that so calmly? nonchalantly?

I stared at the green eyes that looked like a serene pond. There was no ripple, there was no shift. It felt scary and sad at the same time.

"What..."

I tried to open my mouth to say something, but it felt like my throat got blocked by a lump of hot coal. As I just stared at him in baffle, he tilted his head and suddenly reached out to pat my head.

Huh? I blinked and raised my brow in confusion. "You looked distressed. Father used to do this to the kids in the church."

Uhh...I had no idea what to think about this, but his unexpected move made me burst out a laugh. I let out a sigh after, and looked at him with a wry smile. He still had an expressionless face, but I could tell his action was genuine. Perhaps this was what made the soldiers in his unit feel good about him; he just seemed like a clueless, naive child who got used by the kingdom unfairly.

"Thank you," I said, and he retreated his hand after seeing I was no longer frowning. "But...what exactly is this...becoming one?"

I waited for his reply with an increasing heartbeat. There was a fear in the back of my mind that Valmeier was so calm because perhaps...’he’ would be the one who ’came out’ of this merging.

With the same unchanging tone and straightforward gaze, he replied without a fuss. "It means you’ll absorb me."

For a while, we could hear the sound of dew dripping from the leaves. That was how quiet we became. Well, me anyway, since Valmeier truly made no sound except when he was talking, unlike me who had a plethora of unsightly gasping sounds.

"Ab-absorb...you?"

I mean, I already had a conjecture that it would be one of us taking the helm, but...hearing it coming from his mouth in that calm manner, almost like he didn’t care...

It just broke my heart.

That was how Valmeier was all this time. That was the mannerism he had when he was told to go ahead and slay the demons. Like it was just a duty. Like it was just a point that he needed to go to. He didn’t think whether it was beneficial or harmful. He just thought about how to achieve that.

I couldn’t even feel glad or relieved that it would be ’me’ coming out of this space.

Again, his hand came to pat my head, so I guessed I was making a distressed face again. God...how awful was I? Only thought about how I could come out of this as me, without thinking that I would need to erase Valmeier. Even though...even though this was supposed to be his body...

"That’s not true. There was nothing awful about this," he said, and I lifted my gaze in surprise. He could read my thought? "Yes, I can sense it, because I’m supposed to be you."

Goodness! I blinked fast at this barrage of unexpected answers. "Why can’t I?"

"Because I have none," the reply came swiftly, easily, without hesitation. "I am the body and you are the mind."

I bit my lips hard to prevent myself from making unsightly noises of protest. He said it like it was a simple fact that shouldn’t be questioned or doubted. But how could he say it when he had lived for more than twenty years? When he had gone through all those hardships and trudged through the battlefield.

How could he say he was just a body?

"Don’t," he said as he rubbed my cheek, wiping the tears dripping from my eyes. "Don’t feel bad. It’s not a bad thing, so don’t make it seems like it’s bad."

"But..."

"This is how it’s supposed to be," he shrugged. "I live, I save some people. I paved the way for a certain unlucky soul to realize their true path. I fulfilled my duty and my fate. Now, it’s your turn."

All this while, as he said that, he still patted my head. So no--it didn’t feel like we were ’one’ person. He felt like an older brother, like a twin that was there to soothe and protect me. So now, it felt even more like I had to kill someone.

"Don’t you want...don’t you want to live more? Don’t you want to enjoy your life now? See things, eat good foods, just...just live peacefully?"

As I spoke, I realized I was listing all the blessings that I received after coming to this world, after meeting Natha. And it was...and it saddened me that Valmeier never got to experience that.

But he answered calmly. "I do that already,"

I raised my brows, widening my glazed eyes. "What?"

"Through you," he stroked my wet cheek, and proceeded to wipe the other cheek with his sleeve. "It wouldn’t matter once we merge."

I felt my lips quivering again. This was really a strange feeling. I mean...what did I expect? I knew one of us would emerge as the ’main’. There was no way two of us would be existing when we had to become ’one’. But why...did it feel so saddening, so heartbreaking?

Because...it just felt unfair. How could I just live knowing that I killed my other self? When he did nothing wrong. When all he did was exist. Especially because I knew now what happiness was; what living a life was.

"Also, you are not killing me," Valmeier patted my head again. He tilted his head so he could look into my eyes before continuing. "Killing me means you’ll erase me, and that would defeat the purpose of making us one."

As I looked into my own messy reflection in his eyes, he put his palm over my chest. "Erasing me meant your soul would never be whole, would always be incomplete," he shook his head and added; "But that’s not what we’re trying to do."

The hand on my chest moved up, tilting my face by the chin. "Valen," he called me, in a voice that was mine but also his. "You need to accept me."

My heart stopped as I realized what he was implying.

It was me. I was the one who had been trying to erase Valmeier, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be me. I refused to look at him, I refused to acknowledge that we share the same body.

And that was why my soul got sealed. Because I unconsciously rejected his presence. Especially after my feelings for Natha grew deeper. I was jealous of him, I was scared that my position would vanish when it came to light that I wasn’t him.

So I blocked him.

It was me who caused all of these mishaps.

"Val," he called out, and my breath stuttered as I feel his palms against my cheek. "We are one, aren’t we?"

I closed my eyes, grasped his hands, and pressed our forehead together, replying with a choked sound that was flooded with relief. "Yes, yes we are."

A surge of light flooded my eyes, and a torrent of memory entered my brain. This time, I did not avoid them

The faces of people that came into his life; the priest, the old nun, the boy, the soldiers. People who were kind, people who were nasty. People who were genuine, people who were cunning. People who were good, people who were evil.

Instead of seeing it from the outside, I saw them from Valmeier’s eyes. How he was being taught about what was right and what was wrong, about how he should act and what he should say.

Valmeier knew that people looked at him strangely, that they thought he was weird. But he did not mind them. Not because he had no feelings or that he could not think, but because it did not matter.

He lived following what he was taught. Doing what was considered good, making sure he acted following his principle. Whether people accept that as something normal or something weird, it did not concern him. He did right by himself, and he knew he did right.

Often time, it made him look cold and unfeeling. It created distance between him and others. But Valmeier never thought it was imperative for him to forge relationships with people who were thinking him weird and not normal. He was fine, he was good.

He was him.

Even in the end, there was no shred of regret as he shielded the frontline soldiers from the exploding magic. He knew he wouldn’t make it, but he also knew he did the right thing.

For him, it was a fulfilling life.

At the end of that memory, I was crying. I was crying and smiling in relief. Now that I knew what he felt, I was glad. I was glad that he didn’t think it was all suffering. He did not regret burning his core to save all of those people. He did not regret living the kind of life where he could put his art in. He might not be able to ’feel’, but he decided that he lived a good life, and that was what mattered most.

It didn’t matter if others thought he was pitiful. It didn’t matter if others felt like he could put his skill to better use. It didn’t matter if people thought he should live for a few more days, a few more weeks, a few more years...

Valmaier felt satisfied with his life.

And I was satisfied with his satisfaction.

Yes...

Yes, it was enough. Feeling pity for him would demean him. What I should do now was to continue that; living my life until I was satisfied.

No--living our life.

When I finally opened my eyes, there was no Valmeier in front of me. There was only a young man that was more than Valen.

There was us, and there was me.

One, and whole.