The Accidental Necromancer
Darling!

I ended up telling Jill she could visit. She’d arrive in the wee hours of Saturday morning, catching a cheap flight from Boston. We agreed a long time ago that it didn’t make sense to pick each other up from airports, when we could use a Lyft or an Uber.

Friday morning I biked to the orcs, bringing samples of the things I’d ordered online. Gren came with me, which I thought might at least slow down Zargaza’s attempts at seduction. She intrigued me, despite her bloodthirstiness. I liked strong women, and she was strong enough to control the remains of the orc warband. From a diplomatic point of view, maybe I should hook up with her, but on the other hand, if we broke up it could be a disaster.

Of course Lesseth was with me, too, in the bag. She was my secret weapon, in case of unexpected treachery.

The change in the orc settlement was noticeable. They had several brick buildings constructed and were working on more. They had erected a fence. The fields outside the fence had been tilled and seeded, although it would take a few seasons before they got crops from them. You didn’t see orcs idling around – everyone was working.

Two guards manned the gate we approached, but when they saw us they gestured for us to go in. Zargaza was still staying in a tent in the center of the settlement, despite the new construction. I wondered at that, but perhaps that was just another case of good leadership – or there was too much to do to move offices, even temporarily.

We went into the tent, and Zargaza smiled to see me. She looked slightly less happy to see Gren, but she nodded politely. Then she walked forward and kissed me, hard, her lips bruising mine. I was startled, but I kissed back, briefly, before taking a step back.

“Darling!” she said.

Gren coughed.

“Hi Zargaza,” I said.

This time, Zargaza indicated for one of her people to stay, too, an male orc who was burly and big even by orc standards. He had a big axe, and stood well back, his arms crossed underneath his impressive chest, which was emphasized by a strappy leather harness with metal studs. Given the distance, he wasn’t an advisor so much as a bodyguard.

“You’re safe with me,” I said.

“Oh, darling,” she said. “I know that. “But are you safe with me? You’ve brought a bodyguard, so I have mine. That way if we get busy, they both have someone to play with.”

Uh, right. “I brought some things that you might be interested in trading for,” I said. I started taking things out of my bag. I had all sorts of things in there. A vibrator, children’s toys, silverware, dishes, glass cups, a small window, Hamlet, pens, pencils, colored pencils, a pencil sharpener, the first book of Inuyasha, some figurines, a book of art nudes, clothes, hats – I brought a lot. I pulled out some folding chairs, too, for us all to sit on, but I only brought three. The big bodyguard would have to stand.

“So much, darling!” she said. She didn’t miss a chance to use that word. “But what would we give you in return? Assuming we want any of these things?”

“Well, that’s why I’ve brought Gren along. You see, the trolls are interested in trading for bricks, to build houses.”

“Sure,” Zargaza said. “Bricks are better than sticks. But what do they have that we want?”

“Gold,” Gren said.

Zargaza frowned. “Gold is nice and shiny, but not really a priority for us right now. You’d be better off selling it to those poncy elves.”

“Ah,” I said. “But I want the gold. So if they buy bricks from you for gold, you can trade me gold for the goods I have.”

She picked up the vibrator. It was a phallic shaped one, with a little rabbit attachment designed to hit the clit. “What does this do?”

I turned it on, and put in her hand.

“Okay, so it shakes.”

“Imagine how it feels inside your, um, lady parts.”

“Darling! You’ve been thinking about my pussy!”

Well, yes, I had, I supposed. “I thought you might like it. You can have it, for free, but it won’t work forever unless I recharge it.”

“It’s magic, then.”

“We can call it that.” I wasn’t going to explain electronics enough that she’d ever think it was anything but.

She got a look in her eye. “I’m not sure I understand, exactly.”

I wasn’t sure what was complicated about it. “This part slides into your, um, pussy, and this part here vibrates against your clit… if you want more or less, you can angle it, I guess.” I wasn’t the most experienced person with vibrators, but I understood the basic idea.

“I think, darling, that you’ll have to show me.” She licked her lips. “Maybe if you put it in me the first time…”

“Oh,” Gren said. “I can demonstrate on me, if you like.”

“Never mind,” Zargaza said with a glare at Gren. “I think I get the idea.”

“Nice try, darling,” I said.

She didn’t seem to know whether to be happy I’d called her darling, or annoyed that I’d understood exactly what she was playing at. Before she could make up her mind, I barreled on. “So, I understand that you may not want most of these things yourself. Some of them could be used by everyone, or passed around, or whatever. But a lot of them would be of more interest to some of your people than others.”

Zargaza nodded. “That’s right.”

“So, once you get the gold from the trolls, you can use it reward extra diligent workers, and they, in turn, can buy things from me with it.”

She frowned. “The elves do something like that. So do demons. Coinage, you’re saying. But the main purpose of those coins would be to trade with you, which would increase your power over my people.”

“Coinage would be one way to do it. But you could simply have a scribe keep track of it. Then, the scribe can come with people when they want to trade, and make adjustments, with us knowing that you will pay us gold accordingly. I actually have a price list.” I produced the list. It basically reflected how much the goods cost me in dollars, and of course I was massively overcharging for everything in terms of the earth value of gold. “I don’t anticipate that the prices would change,” I added. If gold dropped half its value on Earth, I’d still be making a profit.

She smiled, slowly. “How unusual,” she said.

“Or, alternately, you could use pieces of paper, carefully signed and countersigned perhaps, that had a certain gold value. But the gold you would keep for the tribe, either way. Or – you could use coins. It’s up to you. As long as we end up with the gold, we’re happy.”

“You have some very strange ideas, darling,” she said, turning the vibrator over in her hand.

“Well,” I said. It wasn’t as if any of the ideas were original with me.

“And where would this commerce take place?” she asked. “Would you come visit us to distribute things?

“We have a trading post set up in the troll village.”

“That’s hardly convenient.”

“Or we could, together, build a similar structure in yours. Some of your people could help us build it. Perhaps I could even assign one of my employees to staff it regularly.” I meant Inka, who could read and write, and was smart enough not to get scammed. Orc cooking was good, but I liked something a little less spicy now and then, and she wanted to use her literacy skills. I thought she’d enjoy being closer to her people, too.

“Then you wouldn’t come visit me at all,” she pouted.

I shook my head. “On the contrary. I would come regularly to get the gold from you, unless this was all being paid for with coins.”

“I think the elves like coins because they can see their reflections in them,” Zargaza scoffed. “We have no need for that. I’ll assign a scribe, as you suggest. Then, um, my scribe can talk to your scribe, and at the end, you and I can settle things.”

“Perfect.” I wondered what I’d started. Pretty soon, scribes would become lawyers. Still, as long as people on Amaranth didn’t have guns, nukes, or social media, I thought I hadn’t done too much damage.

“So,” she turned to Gren. “Bricks being better than sticks, how much gold are you going to pay for brick?”

I leaned back and let them haggle. It went on and on. I took out a scale at one point, when they were arguing about how to quantify the amount of gold, to show how I’d be measuring it, and discussed the ways I’d make sure that it was pure gold involving displacement and so on. Zargaza would look at my price list now and then to figure out how much the gold would actually be worth to her. Eventually they came to an agreement.

I’d established a currency, with a gold standard. Not too bad for a day’s work.

“So,” Zargaza asked. “How much gold would it cost me to finally get a taste of your dick?”

“Um, it doesn’t work that way.”

“What do I have to do, darling?”

“Take your time, get to know me,” I said. “Not that it’s a guarantee.”

“Perhaps I should come back with you,” she said.

I didn’t want to show Zargaza the gate. “Um, no. I’d have to get to know you better for that, too.”

“But how can I get to know you better when you only come visit so rarely!”

“Once a week,” I said. “To pick up the gold.”

“Promise?”

I shrugged. “Unless something vitally urgent takes me away, but I can’t imagine what that would be.”

“And we’ll discuss things that aren’t – all business?”

I nodded.

“Perhaps,” Gren suggested, “Your first priority should be your people, rather than getting in bed with Abby.”

Zargaza frowned at her. “Getting in bed with Abby is one of the ways in which I help my people,” she said. “Don’t teach me about duty, troll.”

“I’ll teach you about what I like, lecherous leader.”

Zargaza stood. “I’ll teach you –”

Gren joined her. “I’d like to see you try, green-gashed goblin!”

“Ladies!” I said, forgetting I was one too for a moment.

They both looked at me. I shrugged. “Okay, if you two want to fight, I’ll let you, but you can’t actually hurt each other. No eye-gouging, no hits to face or below the waist.”

“Got it, darling,” Zargaza said. “You want to see us punch each other’s tits. Winner gets laid?”

“Nope. Or not by me.”

“You can’t blame me for trying, darling.”

“I don’t. Kind of flattered. Almost makes up for the fact that you only want to do it for diplomatic reasons.”

“That’s not what I said.”

I shrugged.

Gren sat back down, and then Zargaza did. The steam had gone out of their squabble, and I decided to help that along. “So, you two have a deal. Well negotiated.”

“Of course, darling.” Zargaza oozed charm. “Any woman of yours is a friend of mine.”

“We’re good,” Gren said. “Mind leaving us for a little girl talk?”

That seemed like a dangerous idea, but I was never one for stopping people from talking. “Just a moment.” I gathered up my samples. Zargaza signalled her bodyguard to help. When I’d gotten everything picked up, I walked outside with him.

“I’m Abby,” I said. “What’s your name?”

“Thor,” he said.

“Ah. My people have a name like that, too.”

Thor nodded. “We don’t have a name like Abby.”

“Right. What do you do for fun, Thor?”

“Fuck.”

“Um, yeah. Any particular sweetie?” I wondered if he slept with his chief, but I wasn’t going to ask.

“No, just whoever. Not you. Zargaza would lose her temper.”

“Smart.”

“No one ever accused me of that.”

No, I suppose not.

Zargaza and Gren came out a few moments later, but they looked peaceful. Zargaza headed straight for me. “Kiss me goodbye, darling. Please? And I better see you soon.”

I didn’t think I’d heard her say please before. I kissed her. It was a longer kiss than the one she greeted me with, a little softer, and with a little bit of tongue. Her chest pressed against mine, and it was all rather nice.

“You’ll see me soon,” I said, when we’d finished.

“Good.” She went back inside, and shook Thor off when he tried to follow.

Gren started off, and then paused when I stayed put.

In a few moments, I heard what I was listening for, a gentle buzzing sound. I smirked, and caught up to Gren. I figured the vibrator had an hour of charge on it. Well, I’d be back in a week.

“What’d you two talk about?” I asked, when we were clear of the orc settlement.

“Oh, you know. Dick size. What you like. That sort of thing.”

“Did you have to?” I asked.

“I didn’t tell her you were super potent and that you’d probably knock her up on the first try,” Gren said. “I didn’t tell all your secrets.”

“Well, thank you for that. And it doesn’t work that way, anyway. It’s really more about where the woman is in her cycle; it only takes one sperm to do the job.”

Gren nodded, and went on. “And of course, I told her how you like to always be the dominant one, and like your women very submissive.”

“What? I don’t think that’s even true. We’ve had egalitarian –”

Gren giggled. “It’ll be good for her. It will build character. Obsequious orc.” She giggled again.

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