The Accidental Necromancer
Lesseth

Twang.

An arrow stuck in the shapeshifter’s belly. I had thought Gren was out, but she’d managed to fall back and do what she did best. For a moment, the demon looked startled.

Valeria swung for his middle, and nearly severed him in two with her heavy blade. For all that, he looked more ill than dead, like he’d swallowed something bad. His body was reforming. But at least he was fully occupied.

I reached into my bag and teleported behind him. This time he didn’t turn to face me as I turned toward him and swung down.

Whirrrgggghhhh.

The chainsaw finally roared to life just as I hit his body, but it kept on going all the way through. No nasty nails or metal bits inside him. It made a messy cut, and divided him into two pieces, which fell to the floor.

Valeria passed out. Probably from the acid and the burns, not the sight of blood.

“Ugh,” Kathy said. “Gross.”

But the shapeshifter didn’t heal from that. I switched the safety on the chainsaw back on.

Now we just had to deal with the slime. In the moment of getting my dress soaked with blood, I had gotten a little distracted, and it was doing something, changing itself from a puddle into something else.

Something decidedly female looking. Still, clearly red slime, but now humanoid, with full breasts, long legs, and a monochromatic face. The lips moved, and the mouth said, “I submit.”

Gren shot it – her? – with an arrow. It stuck in, but didn’t seem to really bother it. “I said, I submit,” she said. “Of course, if you wish to use me as a target, that is your choice. I have been used in that fashion before.”

Oh man. Slime demons are so hot.

I could see Enash’s point, kind of. Her body was perfect, if you ignored the fact that it was made of red goo.

“Do I shoot her again, Abby?” Gren asked.

Kathy moaned.

“No. We need to heal Valeria, and untie Kathy. In that order, sorry Kathy.”

“No,” Kathy said weakly. “She’s worse than I am.”

“Heal Valeria how?” Gren asked.

Shit. Valeria was the healer. And Talos was a long way away. I pulled out my water bottle from my bag, and washed her as well as I could, but the burns were too extensive for what little I had left.

“You have water?” I asked the slime girl.

“I can be water, if you wish. Should I wash her? There’s no other water here, just some beer in the cellar.”

I didn’t know how urgent Valeria’s need was, but I was guessing pretty urgent. “Nice, cool water. Do it. Gren, untie Kathy while I watch this slime demon. I’m going to drain every bit of life out of you if you try anything, slime girl.”

“My name is Lesseth, but of course you may call me what you wish,” said the slime girl. She crawled over to Valeria, her body changing from red to blue. “I shall wash her everywhere.” Then she ceased to be a girl at all, and was flowing water, soaking Valeria.

“Thanks, Gren,” Kathy said. Gren had cut the ropes off her rather than wasting time with the knots. “I’m still a bit woozy. Thank you, all of you. Is she going to be okay?”

“I don’t know. What we need to do is get Talos here, or her to Talos. I don’t know what more any of us can do, and I don’t know that it’s safe to move her. We should probably get the armor off her, though.”

Lesseth reformed, still blue. “I have cleaned her, oh great and powerful necromancer,” she said. “I even got the hard-to-get areas.”

I tried not to think about that in too great detail and totally failed. I worked on getting her armor off.

And no gag reflex, either. Great and powerful, hah. That was a first circle spell. She just isn’t used to things that can actually hurt her.

“Kathy, Gren. Are you two alright?” Gren had burns on her face, and Kathy just looked out of it.

Gren shook her head. “I’ll live, though. Not as bad as Val. Don’t know whether I want this thing to wash my face, or not.”

“Yeah, I think that’s a personal decision. You could use the beer to wash off, I suppose. We all need to get back to Talos. Kathy, what happened to you?”

“That troll Rargar hit me on the head,” Kathy said. “The next thing I knew I was in a sack or something, and then these two took me out of it so that I could walk.”

“I don’t think it was Rargar,” I said. “Probably the shapeshifter demon, in disguise. But why?”

“Would you like me to answer that?” Lesseth asked. “Oh, and I was just following orders. Please don’t slay me with your death magic.”

“Whose orders?”

“My husband’s.” She pointed to the messy corpse on the floor. Gren, I noticed, was looking Valeria over.

What does one say to that? “I’m sorry for your loss,” I said, not really feeling it.

“Oh, he was cruel and disgusting. Now I am yours by right of conquest.”

“Is that a thing?”

Yes, that’s totally a thing. Kill a demon, get his wife. Of course, the hard part is stopping his relatives from killing you.

“Yes, of course,” Lesseth said.

I shook my head. I was not dealing with that right now, and I still didn’t trust her. “Why did your husband want to kidnap her?”

“I believe he intended her as a gift for the archfiend. I’m afraid I’m forbidden to speak of the circumstances to a non-demon.”

I parted my hair to the side, and showed her a horn. I was glad that Valeria wasn’t conscious, in a way, although I’d have to tell her eventually.

“Oh!” said Lesseth. “In that case, I am happy to tell you, but not in the presence of the others. It is forbidden. I would rather die to your death magic than suffer the fate in store for me if I told a non-demon. But would you prefer for me to take a male form, my wife?”

Gren snickered.

Kathy groaned. “She’s already married to the dryad,” she said. “I think all you can be is a girlfriend.”

I was not dealing with this right now. “We need to get out of here, or send someone back for help. And the only one healthy enough to send back is me, and I’m also the only one who can take care of Lesseth.”

“Take care of,” Kathy said, making little air quotes.

“Kill,” I said.

“I submitted already,” Lesseth whined.

Well, fire still works.

I did have an lighter in my bag of holding. Still, it seemed risky to leave everyone with Lesseth.

“Okay,” Gren said. “I think Val’s going to be okay. And her wounds look properly washed. Hit me up, slime girl.”

Lesseth looked at me.

“Go ahead.”

She pressed her face against Gren’s, which to be fair was the part of Gren that needed it the most. For a moment, it was like a kiss, and then Lesseth lost shape and started flowing over her face, and shoulder, melding against Gren’s body.

“Unh,” said Gren.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” Gren said. “A little more of that, please.”

“Shameless,” Kathy said. “Absolutely shameless.”

“Just clean her, Lesseth.”

“Yes, my wife,” she said, and moved away, reforming to her very curvy and transparent feminine body. “I did not realize you were the jealous type. If you are done with the water, it is easier for me to exist in my natural red form, and I, too, am close to death. If it matters.”

“You’re going to love her, Abby,” Gren said. “Oh goodness gracious. Lecherous liquid lady.”

Val’s eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, honey,” I said. “Welcome back to the land of the living.”

She smiled. “You called me honey,” she said. “Do I have to get burned for that?”

“Honey is actually one of my more popular forms,” Lesseth said. “It has just the right viscosity for maximum pleasure, and of course there’s the taste.”

I wasn’t going to get distracted. I put as much of Val’s armor into the bag as fit and then picked her up. “If anyone feels like carrying the breastplate, then please do. Otherwise, we’ll come back for it.”

“I can walk,” Valeria said.

“Are you sure?”

“Not at all.” She tried resting her head against my shoulder, and then pulled it away. “Everything hurts, Abby.”

“Gren? Kathy? Can you two walk?”

“Sure,” Gren said. “And I can carry the breastplate.”

“Yeah, they made me walk here, I can walk back,” Kathy said, and then shrieked and pointed.

One of the bits of flesh on the floor started to move and change shape. Kathy stomped on it. “No! Die! Die! Die!”

Gren pulled out her knife, but I shook my head. “I think Kathy needs to do this,” I said.

“Die! Die you horrible thing! No more!”

“Burning is the best way,” Lesseth said, and then paled.

“Not just for him, hmm?” I said. “It’s okay, I already knew.”

I carried Valeria out of the house and put her outside on the soft grass. Lesseth followed me around, walking like a normal person, or at least like a catwalk model would walk if she had such fluid hips. Gren came outside, too.

I walked back in and told Lesseth to stay out. “Fire,” I said.

“Of course I will stay as you command,” she said quickly.

Then I gathered some twigs, and took them back inside, making a little pile. I handed Kathy the lighter. I wondered if I should ask, or not. Finally I decided to say something. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “But did he, um, do anything to you?” For one thing, I needed to know what Lesseth had been complicit in.

“He hit me over the head. I told you that already.”

“Okay. Remind me not to get on your bad side. And, it’s fine if these wood floors catch. Might as well make sure he’s gone, huh?”

“Damn straight,” Kathy said, starting the fire with the lighter and kicking some of the bits of demon toward it. It smelled of sulfur. “Hey, if I am finishing him off here, doesn’t that make slimy my wife?”

“She’s not anyone’s wife as far as I’m concerned,” I said.

“Well, I wasn’t really ready for marriage anyway. And she’s not my type. Burn, baby, burn!” she said, as the floor caught.

I took Valeria’s breastplate out of the building and handed it off to Gren. It was too valuable to lose, and Gren was in the best shape of any of us. And I’d be carrying Val.

You have defeated a Fourth Level Pyromancer. You gain 200 experience points.

You have defeated a Second Level Acid Warrior. You gain 50 experience points.

You need 1235 experience points to reach third level.

By the time we were on our way back to town, the place was ablaze, and I was pretty sure that the shapeshifter wasn’t coming back.

I gave Kathy her sword. “Val or Talos can teach you how to use it, but at least you have something for now.”

“Thank you, Abby,” she said, looking at the thing doubtfully. It had a scabbard, though, that belted on, so she didn’t have to carry it in her hand.

I carried Val, and we struggled to find a position that didn’t cause her burns to rub against me. She wasn’t a featherweight, and I had to stop occasionally to drain the grass to keep me going. If I couldn’t have done that, I’d have powered through. Even though I’d only known her a little while, Valeria meant a lot to me. But Life Drain it made it a lot easier.

I expected Lesseth to escape, but she walked with us the whole way, not saying anything.

“Gren, come close,” Val said after a while.

“Yes, virtuous Valeria.”

“Oh, I wish I wasn’t sometimes,” Valeria said. She reached out and touched Gren, and Gren’s face healed.

“You should do that for yourself,” Gren said.

“I can’t,” she said. “Doesn’t work that way. That’s why paladins work in pairs. Kathy, your turn. Just let me touch your head.”

So Valeria touched Kathy’s head, and that helped us make much better speed. When I needed to recharge, I was able to hand Val off to Gren for a minute. Soon, the sun peeked over the hills, giving them a rosy glow.

We met Talos just outside of town, with a group of trolls. They’d come to look for us, finally. The trolls gawked at Lesseth. In the morning light, she looked something like erotically shaped jello. She kind of smelled like it too.

Talos ignored her. “Kathy! You’re safe,” he yelled.

“Talos!” Kathy called back.

Hmm. “Talos, Valeria needs you,” I said.

“Oh! Yes, of course.” He hurried to lay hands on Valeria, only mildly distracted when he noticed the slime girl.

“Thank you, Talos.”

“Of course, Valeria.”

“I suppose you should set me down, now,” Valeria said to me. “Although it wasn’t a bad place to be, in the arms of the woman I – care deeply for.”

I set her down and kissed her. “I’m glad you’re okay. I was really worried there for a moment.”

“Oh, Abby,” she said, kissing back. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“You were very brave,” I said, and deepened the kiss for a moment.

“I was only doing my duty,” she replied, nibbling my lip in that way she did.

I was half-expecting Kathy to tell us to get a room, when I realized that she was kissing Talos.

Gren shrugged at Lesseth. “Sometime, yeah, I want to do that again. But not right now.”

“I could join in with them?” Lesseth asked. “I make an excellent third in any threesome.”

Val moved back from me, with a shy smile.

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