The Accidental Necromancer
The Weekly Order

In a thrift-store dress, Valeria looked like any other gorgeous human, so I took her outside with me. She looked up the street, and then down, and just gawked for a moment. Supposedly the guys would be here with my weekly order of a hundred two-by-sixes any moment.

I had put a plaid flannel shirt on, and shoes. Valeria was wearing the sandals she’d had in her backpack, which were archaic but fit in better than plate mail sabatons.

“You live in a huge city, Abby.”

I glanced over at Kathy, who was on her porch, and nodded absently. Rockville was just a suburb, population a bit over 60,000 people. Of course, it was right next to other suburbs, all part of a sprawling metropolis with millions of people. I remembered reading somewhere that the city of London only had 50,000 people by the end of the Middle Ages. So I said, “Yes.”

Kathy waved. And, as I feared, got up to come talk to us. I imagined some very strange conversations.

“On second thought, Val, go inside, please. I’ll bring the planks to the living room, you can carry them to the basement, and Gren can carry them to Amaranth.”

“Okay, Abby. But she looks friendly! Can’t I meet her?”

Obviously, I shouldn’t have given in. “Let me do the talking,” I said.

“Okay,” Valeria said.

“And I’m called Abel here, don’t call me Abby.”

“If I’m not talking, I won’t be calling you anything.”

And then Kathy was there.

“Hi Abel. A friend of yours?”

“Um, yes. Valeria, Kathy. Kathy, Valeria.”

“Oh, that’s a nice name,” Kathy said. “Nice to meet you, Valeria.”

Valeria nodded.

I should have known she would take “let me do the talking” literally. A “hail, and well met,” probably would have been less jarring.

“Are you one of Abel’s girlfriends?” Kathy asked.

Valeria shrugged.

“It’s okay,” Kathy said. “I don’t bite. I’m fine with it, really.”

Valeria smiled, but said nothing.

The truck from the hardware store turned the corner and came down the street.

“Valeria is a little shy. Look, there’s the truck,” I said.

Valeria stared at the truck wide-eyed, which I supposed was a very reasonable reaction.

“It’s an interesting name,” Kathy said. “Is English not your native tongue? It’s okay to practice on me.”

Valeria just watched the truck as it pulled past, then started backing up to the driveway. I’d parked my van on the street so it had a place to unload. They had instructions to just deposit the planks in the driveway if I wasn’t there. Valeria didn’t take her eyes off the truck until it came to a stop.

“Another big load, Abel?” Kathy asked.

My mind went to the wrong place. Apparently, Kathy’s did too, because she looked at Valeria, winked, and said, “And that’s what she said, huh, Valeria?”

Valeria, understandably, looked confused. I spotted a chance to put an end to the conversation. “We’re going to be taking a bunch of wood into the house, and it’s long enough it’s probably better to keep your distance if you’re not helping,” I said to Kathy. “I know you’re on the clock and have plenty to do.”

“What do you need so much wood for, Abel? I can’t imagine it’s just more workbenches.”

“No,” I admitted. “There’s a limit to how many workbenches a man needs.” Two guys, one big, one skinny, got out of the truck. The burly guy opened the back door, and I took advantage of the opportunity to grab three planks and hand them to Valeria. “Go on and take them to the basement,” I said.

“Ah, the mysterious basement,” Kathy said.

And then Valeria almost clocked her with a plank. I’d have to ask her later if it was an accident. It probably was, even if it suited my purposes. Kathy dodged out of the way, as I grabbed more lumber. They hardware store guys started taking more out and stacking them on the ground.

“Well,” Kathy said. “I better get out of the way! You certainly have a way with the women, Abel. She’s really strong, isn’t she?”

“Yep,” I said cheerfully. Let her think what she wanted, as far as that went.

She scampered back to the porch.

When Valeria came back, she grabbed five planks. Yeah, she was strong. It didn’t take us long to get all the wood in, and in not much more time, Gren and Valeria had it through the gate. Because I hated going back and forth, and Gren and Valeria could do it without their bodies shifting, I put my bathrobe on, then went down and changed into a a v-necked blouse and shorts before taking charge of getting all the planks in nice, neat stacks.

Many hands really did make light work. The first time, I’d done the whole process myself, and I was seriously sore and tired afterward. I didn’t feel as fresh as a daisy this time, in part because I still wasn’t caught up on sleep, but the difference was noticeable.

“Is Kathy another one of your lovers, Abby?” Valeria asked.

“Who is Kathy?” Gren asked. “I haven’t heard about this one.”

So I explained Kathy as best I could.

“So you slept with her, but you didn’t engage in furious fucking,” Gren said.

“Or any other kind,” I said drily.

“I thought she was sizing me up like I was competition,” Valeria said. “It was awkward not to speak. She probably thinks I don’t like her.”

“Speaking of which, did you almost hit her with a plank on purpose?”

Valeria looked shocked. “Of course not!”

“Sorry,” I said. “Just asking.”

“Why would I do such a thing?” Valeria looked actually hurt.

“I would,” Gren said.

“I’m sorry, Valeria. I had to ask, because it was useful. It made her get out of our way, and stop asking questions. And I’m sorry, too, for telling you not to talk, but – I saw you look at the truck, for instance, that brought the wood. If you had mentioned to her that you’d never seen one before, that would have surprised her greatly, and made her even more curious about you. They are pretty much ubiquitous on Earth.”

“Really? It was huge, and made out of metal, and it didn’t have any oxen pulling it or pushing it. Those things are all over?”

“There are a lot of them,” I said. “I own a small version of sorts, myself.”

“You must be incredibly wealthy.”

I was getting there, but that had more to do with trading with the trolls than anything that had happened before then. And little expenses kept rolling in, like building the cells. Which, I supposed, were now worthless. I pulled out my phone. “Your air mattress should arrive by eight o’clock.”

“Huh?” Gren and Val asked.

“By, well, about when it gets dark.”

“Oh. Thank you, Abby,” Val said. “I’m going to go sit in my cell for a while. I have some things to think and pray about.”

“You don’t have to sit in your cell,” I told her. “If there’s some place you’d feel more comfortable.”

“Thank you, Abby.” But she went to her cell anyway, and even pulled the door closed, spending some time balancing it so that it would stay. Really, it needed the padlocks to make sure it stayed in place.

“So,” Gren asked. “Wanna fuck?”

Tempting. But there were lots of things I wanted to get done, and I didn’t want to embarrass Valeria by having sex in front of her. Again, I suppose, although in my defense I’d been tired, and I was out of sight.

I looked around the crypt. I needed a dresser for my clothes, for starters. Probably something for Gren, and Valeria, and Talos, too. And maybe a real bed or three. The security system would be better on a desk. A couch and some chairs, for sitting on.

Heck, my living room could use that, too.

I could order everything online, but I was still limited by how much I could sell at the jewelers, even if I was stockpiling valuable gems and gold. Besides, I didn’t like buying new all the time. Reusing and repurposing old furniture made me happy, the same way I loved remodeling an old kitchen. The last few days I hadn’t felt like I had the time for such things, but now I did.

I could look for clothes for Gren at the same time.

I didn’t have a tape measure down in the basement at the moment, but I was pretty good at estimating measurements, and I had the two-by-sixes and a few other things of known distance in the place, like the board I’d used to turn the coffin into a table. I pulled out some rope. “Gren?”

I heard a sound from Valeria, and realized she was watching me.

Gren came over. But I wasn’t tying her up, just using the rope to measure her around the waist, hips, underbust, and overbust. It probably seemed like a horrible tease to Valeria, but that wasn’t my fault.

Okay, maybe I leaned into it a little. And Gren insisted I measure her under her clothes, so there was that. Eventually, though, I had a set of measurements.

“I’m going to get some things on Earth to make this place look nicer. Gren’s in charge,” I said. Was that a good idea? But someone had to be.

“Yes, Abby,” Valeria said. “But I won’t make love to her, even if she commands me.”

“What makes you think…” Gren started, and then stopped. “Okay, you’re pretty hot, that’s what makes you think it.”

“I am?” Valeria asked.

“You are,” I said.

“Abby, I’m confused about something,” Valeria said.

I nodded. “Okay, shoot.”

“Shoot?”

“Idiom. Sorry. Go ahead.”

“Ah. Well, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this. In fact, maybe you’re the last person I should tell.”

“You could tell me,” Gren suggested.

“But wouldn’t you just tell Abby?”

“Well, yeah. I could promise not to.”

“Would it stop you?”

Gren shrugged.

I walked close to the cell and leaned against it. “What is it, Valeria?”

“I’m confused because I like you in this body more than I like you in the other.”

“I think it’s probably normal for women to trust women more than men.”

Valeria shook her head. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, some men can’t be trusted to not try to put their thing in everything, but – you have a thing either way. No. It’s not about trust. There’s something else.”

“Lust?” Gren suggested.

Valeria turned her head, but didn’t deny it.

“Valeria, before I go, would you like me to tie you up?”

She turned to me and her eyes brightened. “Yes, please.”

The things one does to make people happy.

“Gren, do you mind watching over her?”

“Not at all, but I think you’d be able to do a better job if she took her dress off.”

“Do you –”

But Valeria was already getting undressed. “We have to get me decent before Talos comes back,” she said.

“He’ll have to knock,” Gren said. “So we should be able to manage that.”

So I tied her up, much as I had before but this time not over fabric. I tried not to grope her bare breasts while I was at it. It was impossible to put on the chest harness without touching them a little, but she didn’t seem to mind. I tied her wrists, and she moaned.

“Valeria, what exactly does your oath prohibit you from doing?”

“From giving myself the ultimate pleasure with my hands or seeking pleasure with a man.”

“So if you had an orgasm in some other way, it would be fine?”

“Abby, I don’t think – I don’t know – I don’t...”

“I’m not going to touch you unless you ask me to.”

Valeria looked almost disappointed, but she said, “Good.”

“Just an idea I had. Anyway, I’m going shopping, and I’ll be back.”

I hit three thrift stores, and one place that specialized in used furniture, but I found what I wanted eventually. I had clothes for Gren. I’d gone for skimpy, because she usually didn’t wear much. Also because I would enjoy seeing her in less rather than more. I’d picked up three dressers and a desk, and two of the dressers even matched. They were both shaker style, and I could probably make the desk seem to match by changing the knobs on the drawers. I had two bedframes, one twin-sized, and one queen-sized. Real mattresses would wait another day, but I could put air mattresses on them for now.

I also bought four dining room chairs, and an old Naugahyde couch that was in pretty good shape. My van was packed.

I made a trip to a sex store, too, to buy a vibrator. Once I was actually there, I bought three. Which reminded me of another trip, so I got two phones and put them all on my phone plan.

It was evening when I was done, so I bought a huge bucket of fried chicken, and when I got home I took it downstairs with me, leaving the rest in the van. I think I saw Kathy watching me from her living room, but I wasn’t going to be fussed about that.

We all ate outside, and everyone loved the fried chicken, especially Talos. The stars were bright, where we could see them through the leaves, and there was plenty of beauty on the ground, too, even though Gren had untied Valeria and she’d put her very sensible travelling clothes on instead of the dress.

I looked cute, too, in my shorts and tight top. I’d always thought of beauty as something other people were, but I felt beautiful. I didn’t have the ego to say it, but I felt it. I let the others carry on the conversation and was content to just be Abby.

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