The Accidental Necromancer
The Sweetest Necromancer

A lot of things happened all at once.

With the spell, I appeared about twenty feet past the door. I was facing away from it, so I quickly spun around.

At the same time, there was a noise as the first of the zombies emerged from the path to the north, which meant to my right, about forty feet away, and promptly tripped over a root, hitting the ground with a thud.

Talos turned. “Val! Zombie!”

A second zombie appeared, as Valeria changed her focus, and noticed me. “Talos,” she said, and pointed.

“So let’s talk,” I said. “As it turns out, zombies play an important role in the economy of this region, solidifying peace between the natives of the nearby hills and the denizens of the forest.”

I must not have been convincing, because Valeria said, “I’ll watch her, you kill the zombies.”

They moved. Talos charged the zombies, mace in hand. Valeria moved to get in between me and them, her own sword ready, but she kept her distance.

“Valeria,” I said. “Do you know you’re beautiful?” Meanwhile, I thought: Charm Person.

I would have much rather done it to Talos. I had no doubt that he was into me, or at least that he liked my body, which was enough to give the spell a boost as I understood it. Valeria was more of an enigma. If it worked, though, maybe she could get Talos to stop.

But Talos was quicker than I expected someone encased in metal from head to toe to be. And he knew what he was about, too, not that killing unarmed zombies required a great deal of skill. Hell, even I could do it. Okay, with a chainsaw, but still. Talos swung his mace and the zombie’s head broke like a piñata.

“I what?” Valeria said, looking confused.

“Stop Talos,” I said. “He’s making a mess of things.”

“No,” Valeria said. “He’s protecting the forest. He’s protecting you, Abby. And that’s important. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Okay, I made Valeria like me, but that didn’t really solve the problem given her worldview. Telling her they were my zombies might stretch the limits of the spell, given her hatred of necromancers.

Talos killed another zombie, this time with two blows to the chest, and short of ambushing him with my katana, I didn’t know what I could do. But I had to try before more of the zombies came, so I started running his way.

Valerie moved to intercept me. I wasn’t sure whether she was going to fight me or hug me, because she was smiling. I think she was friendly, she just thought she knew what was best and needed to stop me for my own good.

I used Dimension Step to get past her. Talos was charging down the path, and I ran after him, because it was too twisty for Dimension Step to make up a lot of ground in most places.

I realized I’d probably broken line of sight with Valerie, which meant she wasn’t charmed anymore. As long as I didn’t use any necromancy spells, hopefully she wouldn’t want to kill me.

The path straightened, and I used Dimension Step again to get ahead of Talos, just as he spotted another zombie. I turned to face him and got ready to use Charm Person.

A familiar voice yelled, “Down, Abby!” I stopped what I was doing and hit the dirt.

Twang.

An arrow flew over my head and hit Talos in the shoulder. He had plenty of armor there, but it still penetrated, a testament to the power of compound bows, thirty-dollar modern arrows, and the skill and power of my favorite archer.

“By all that’s holy!” yelled Talos. He kept charging, but now his target was behind me. I glanced back that way, quickly, and saw Gren calmly nocking another arrow, and another zombie, continuing on its path.

“Run away!” I yelled at the zombie.

They were good at following simple orders, and so the zombie turned and ran. But I was in Talos’s way, too. I rolled off the path between two trees, and he had to decide who to go after. Me, Gren or the Zombie.

I suppose from his point of view he was just defending himself.

“She’s got some kind of bewitching magic,” Valeria yelled. “Don’t look right at her!”

“Freeze,” yelled Gren. “Or the next one is going through your head, and don’t think I can’t do it.”

Valeria screamed. I couldn’t see why, and I instinctively wanted to go to the rescue of a screaming woman, even if she was on the other side.

Talos didn’t freeze, but he did move from the path, which took him toward me. His gaze shifted around, like he was trying to keep track of me but didn’t want to look at me for long. Honestly, that was probably pretty smart, but it left me with only fatal options if I was going to confront him. Instead, I just kept backing up, terrified because a man with a sword was coming toward me and I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was ready to teleport away at the last minute.

Then I tripped over a root, and fell backward. The next thing I knew, he was standing over me, mace lifted.

“If you harm her, I’m going to kill you,” Gren said. She’d gotten closer, and I knew how deadly she was.

“If you fire an arrow,” Talos said, “I’m going to kill her. We’re here to hunt zombies and necromancers, and I don’t know who you people are, but if you’re on their side, then your lives are forfeit. I’ll take my chance that my armor will protect me, and heaven will receive my spirit if I fail.”

“Don’t kill him, Gren,” I said. “I think he means well.”

“If he hurts you, he dies. If he doesn’t, he lives. It’s that simple,” Gren replied. “His choice. I won’t miss. Not at this range.”

I could teleport, but flat on my back as I was, the only direction I could go was straight up, and there was enough brush around us that the first clear spot was thirty feet up. I’d do it if I had to, but I wasn’t looking forward to the fall. I didn’t think I could Dimension Step twice in a row fast enough to avoid hitting hard.

So instead, I moaned.

“I didn’t touch you,” Talos said, clearly not wanting to provoke Gren to shoot.

I really hoped I could pull this off. “It’s not that. It’s being at the mercy of a big, strong man.” I squirmed. “It turns me on.” I let out a hopefully sexy gasp, and cupped one of my tits, which made the nipple press harder against the fabric. “The thought of you having your way with me!”

He stared at my tits. Good enough. Charm Person.

“Abby,” he said. “I don’t know what’s going on yet, but you have some very bad friends. Together we can defeat them. What do you say.”

I squirmed some more. “Make love, not war,” I replied.

His mace wavered a little. “I can’t do anything, she’ll kill me.”

“Maybe we could have a threesome,” I suggested.

“With a troll?” he asked.

It was probably my imagination, but I felt like I could hear Gren’s bowstring tighten. “I wouldn’t fuck you if you were the last two-legged being on Amaranth,” she said, her voice as tense as her bow.

I slithered out from under the sword, and Talos didn’t know what to do. “Talos, darling, why don’t we take off your armor and see to that nasty wound of yours. We wouldn’t want it to get infected.”

“Troll, I’ll let her go,” Talos said. “You let me and Valeria go, and no one dies.”

Gren laughed, which probably wasn’t very reassuring to him.

In for a penny, in for a pound. I got to my feet and took my top off. Talos’s head swiveled to stare.

You’ve got him aroused. He’s wounded. Now! Triple damage!

“Drop the sword, and you live,” Gren said.

“I’ll guarantee your safety,” I said. And then I wondered if I could. “Don’t kill him,” I told Gren.

“His life depends on yours. And your naked knockers are very distracting.”

“Well, then,” I said. “You two have something in common. Give me your mace, Talos, and I’ll keep you safe.”

He didn’t want to, clearly. And he didn’t. But he did lower it. “Tell me why you’re protecting the zombies,” he said.

I pulled my top back on. “Sure,” I said.

“Well,” said Xyla, stepping out of the tree I was standing next to. “I was willing to watch while she was trying to seduce you, but now…” she shrugged, and vines wrapped their way around Talos, pinning his mace arm to his side. “I left Valeria in front of the crypt.”

I was wondering why Valeria had screamed. “Is she alright?” I asked, as Talos growled.

“She’s fine,” Xyla said, dismissively. “I was tempted to play with her, but I worried you needed me.”

“And I’m glad you’re here.” I wanted to talk to Talos and Valeria both, but now that Xyla had them separated, I wasn’t sure how to manage that. “And you, too, Gren. But how?”

Gren spoke. “After you told Xyla about your paladin problem, she sent one of the trolls working with her to tell me to guard the zombies on their way back. We figured the paladins would look for them eventually, and of course that would mess with the peace deal. So I watched over them. But the zombies don’t follow my orders, and they got separated, so I stayed in the middle. Guardian Gren, a foundering failure.”

“You did great,” I told Gren. I thought I might be able to mend at least one of the zombies. Possibly using the other for parts? I’d have to see how it worked, but I wasn’t going to talk about that in front of Talos.

“And me?” Xyla asked.

“You did great, too,” I told her. “Arriving in the nick of time.”

“I’ve been having the forest creatures watch these two,” Xyla said proudly.

“You’re a dryad?” Talos asked.

“Yes,” Xyla said, preening.

“Dryads are supposed to protect the forest,” Talos said.

“From people like you,” Xyla told him.

“From evil necromancers,” Talos said.

Xyla shook her head. “There aren’t any evil necromancers here. Abby’s the best. Just the sweetest necro – oops.”

I face palmed.

“Sorry, Abby,” Xyla said, looking downcast.

“Well, the truth will set us free, they say. Speaking of which, I think we need to gather our prisoners in one place, so let’s disarm this one.” I grabbed his mace and pulled. He tried to resist, but then Xyla tightened the vines on his arm, and I got it from him. I moved behind his back so that I could pop it into my bag of holding without him seeing it. “Let him go, and we’ll walk him over to Valeria. Then you can bind him up again, and we’ll have a little talk.”

“You won’t get away with this,” Talos said, and from the tone of his voice I realized that moving behind him had broken the spell.

“Wanna bet?” asked Gren. “She says the word, and you’ll be a hole-headed holy warrior.”

So we marched him. I drew my katana, and walked behind him, poking the back of his head just enough to let him know it was there. Gren kept an arrow pointed at his head. He didn’t try to make a break for it, I suspect because he wanted to know what had happened to his partner.

Were they just partners? Brother and sister? Or something romantic? I remembered what Enash had said about the vow of celibacy, but maybe that didn’t apply if they were married.

I heard a moan, and Talos moved forward. I wanted to get there, too, so I quickened my step behind him.

Valeria was there. Her legs were bent back and spread open, and her ankles were tied to her wrists, leaving her modesty protected by a narrow bit of steel. She was struggling against the vines, and a sheen of sweat covered her chest and face.

There was wetness on her thighs, too.

“Valeria!” Talos yelled and ran forward.

A vine whipped up and tripped him, and he ended up face forward in Valeria’s crotch. His forehead hit steel, stunning him for a moment. I pulled him back.

“Can you wrap him up, now?” I asked Xyla.

“Maybe we should take off his armor first?” Xyla asked.

“Good idea.” Gren and I held him, helping where we could, while Xyla found the buckles that held his armor on. In a few moments we had him in nothing but a cloth loincloth. Xyla reached for it.

“Leave him that.”

“But how can I tie his balls up if that’s in the way?”

“Just leave it,” I said.

“Merciful mage,” Gren said. “Stops the testicular torture.”

Valeria moaned again. “I can’t get out!” she whimpered.