The Accidental Necromancer
Labels (Explicit S*xual Content)

Rargar coughed.

“Is it really true?” Gregor asked.

“Is what true?” I responded. I was really hoping we were going to talk about my wood.

“That you have a big dick in addition to those tremendous titties,” he said.

Gigantic. Enormous.

That was not the wood I meant.  “Every piece,” I said, pointing at the piece of pine and trying to steer the subject back, “would be of this quality but ten feet long. Not quite twice as tall as me.” At five-nine or so, I was the shortest person in the room, which was something I wasn’t used to.

“Making love with someone with a dick would be like fucking a guy,” Rargar told Gregor.

“That’s ridiculous,” replied Gregor. “A chick with a dick is still a chick. Tell me you don’t want to touch those boobies.”

Everyone wants to touch the boobies I made.

“Not if they have a dick attached to them,” Rargar insisted.

“I think she’s totally –”

“Guys, I’m right here,” I said.

“Trolls,” Gavabar said, trying to bring Rargar and Gregor to order, “How much wood do we need?”

Gregor shrugged. “Need? It’s so hard to say. We could use a lot. How many of those could you get us?”

“A hundred a week?” I suggested.

Gregor nodded. He was still staring at my chest, though. “That would help a lot.”

“Enough that we can promise peace with Xyla?” Gavabar asked.

Gregor nodded slowly. “I think so. Especially as – well, you know, fighting Xyla in her forest is not exactly simple.”

Gren lifted her glass. “Do we get to sample the whiskeys yet?”

“Sure,” I said, opening the rye first and pouring out a thimble full into each cup.

A few more drinks later, they had sampled everything. Gren liked the scotch best, Gregor liked the rye, and Rargar was a fan of the brandy. Gavabar, meanwhile, watched thoughtfully.

“So,” he said. “What do you want?”

“I want three things. One, I want peace with Xyla. Two, I want, for the next month or so, four trolls to go and help Xyla deal with the damage – I’m not trading anything for that. The village had a deal with her, the village broke that deal, and now it’s the village’s job to help with the mess. And third, I want some combination of gems and gold to pay for liquor and lumber.”

“Gold is the main thing we have to trade with the elves,” Gavabar said. “They like it, too.”

“And liquor and wood are your most urgent needs,” I replied.

And so we started haggling. I wasn’t a gem expert, but I knew I wanted ones like the ones I got, and I knew that corundum, the material sapphires and rubies were made from, could scratch a masonry drill bit, and that pretty much nothing else but a diamond could. So that let me specify which gems I wanted, and clearly, they’d vary. They couldn’t promise me three brilliant stones a month of the same size as the ones I’d given the jeweler, but it did sound like they mined a few pounds of gold every month. Still, it was clear they valued the gems less than the gold.

The deal we finally came to was that I would deliver a hundred ten-foot two by sixes and five bottles of liquor, including one each of brandy, Scotch, rye, and Jack Daniels and one duplicate, each week. They would pay me eight ounces of gold, unless they could show me gems I wanted more.

So, basically, that was a thousand dollars or so of lumber, and two hundred dollars of liquor, for about twenty thousand dollars of gold, or probably even more value in rubies and sapphires. I probably could have gotten more, because they quite clearly seemed to feel they’d made the deal of the century.

I felt a little like I’d cheated the natives.

“We’ll also let you take our dead bodies away,” Gavabar offered, “in return for your agreement not to kill any trolls.”

Fine. I wasn’t going to kill any of them anyway, and while I didn’t want their dead bodies, it might help with the village smell to cart them away. Once we got used to dealing with each other, maybe I could get them better sanitation arrangements, but that would only make things more complicated right now, especially since from my conversation with Gavabar before he didn’t see any need for change. “Only caveat to that is that if someone attacks me, I’m going to defend myself.”

“Of course,” Gavabar said. “No one is going to attack you.”

I didn’t know that I could be sure of that. Baradzem and his crew had their sympathizers. Maybe bringing whiskey to the trolls meant everyone loved me, and maybe it didn’t.

“Just being clear, is a grope an attack?” asked Gregor.

“If you haven’t asked first,” I told him.

“Can I touch your tantalizing tits?” he asked.

Part of me thought there wasn’t any harm in it, but I didn’t really want him to, and that was enough. I’d told enough people that I wanted enthusiastic consent only, and was I going to have lower standards for myself? “No,” I said.

“It would be totally gay anyway,” Rargar said.

“How can touching tits be gay?” Gregor retorted. “You’re gay because you don’t want to touch her tits.”

It’s totally gay. Don’t let them touch us. Ick.

“Is our business done here?” I asked Gavabar.

Gavabar stood, and spit on his hand. “Absolutely,” he said. “We have a deal.” He stuck out the hand for me to shake.

I didn’t really enthusiastically consent to the whole hand spitting thing, either, but I wasn’t going to refuse their custom. I was, however, going to start packing hand sanitizer in my bag of holding. I spit on my hand and shook.

Gregor was still arguing with Rargar, unimpeded. “If her hand slid up and down on my shaft, it wouldn’t be gay, because she has boobs.”

“It would totally be gay, because she has a cock,” Rargar retorted.

I looked at Gren, who shrugged and stood. “You know what would be gloriously gay?” she asked the two arguing trolls.

“What?” they said in unison.

“Me, with Abby,” she said. “Because she has boobs, you know, and so do I.” Gren put her arm around my waist, and slid her hand up on the other side high enough that she was definitely copping a feel. I couldn’t say I really minded.

“When women do things with each other it’s not gay,” Gregor said.

“Right? Who doesn’t like to see that?” Rargar agreed.

I left them to their moment of agreement, however shallow it might be, and let Gren steer me out. I didn’t figure they’d ever resolve anything. It reminded me of two guys arguing about who would win, Superman vs. Batman. Who the hell cared what counted as gay, and what didn’t? People should do what they enjoy, and fuck the labels. Not that I was going to let Gregor do anything, because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. But his desire wasn’t offensive, as long as he kept his hands to himself.

Also, Superman has super-strength, and Batman is just a guy, no matter how clever he is.

It was dark out, and the sky was beautiful. Even in the village, one got that same kind of glorious shimmer of stars one only got on Earth when one was in the middle of nowhere. I wondered if Gren took the whole view for granted.

“I have a friend who has a farmhouse, not too far away. If you’d like to stay with me for the night?”

“I’d love to,” I told her honestly. If the timing had worked out differently, I might have enjoyed getting home to sleep in my own bed, but it was too late for that. I slipped my hand under her short leather skirt, enjoying the feel of her muscled ass. After all, she hadn’t stopped playing with my breast.

Being touched made me aware of how different Abby’s body was. My hand was smaller, and that meant that I had to roam to thoroughly feel Gren’s ass. And my chest was so squeezably soft. Even my balance, which I seemed to adjust for instinctively, felt different. My wider hips meant a slightly different walk. And things tingled differently, my enjoyment of being groped not quite so centered on my dick.

Not that my cock wasn’t thinking about getting hard, and if it did I wasn’t sure the panties I wore would hold it. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t.

“Your friend?” I asked.

“A very sexy troll by the name of Janeen,” Gren said. “Why, are you interested in another threesome? I think she’d be up for it. When I told her about you, she was definitely curious.”

I considered, and slowly shook my head. My life had gotten complicated enough lately. “I’d just like to have you to myself tonight,” I told Gren.

“She’ll be horribly jealous,” Gren said. “For good reason.”

“If it isn’t going to work,” I said. “We could go somewhere else. Or sleep under the stars.”

“Oh, I’m fine with her being jealous,” Gren said. “I’m a greedy girl.”

As it turned out, Janeen was indeed a good looking woman. Blue skin, of course, and violet eyes, with a thin purple braid that matched her eyes. She greeted us wearing only a strap across her large breasts that was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, and a loin cloth that covered her in front and back but left her flanks bare. Gren greeted her with a warm hug and a spit-swapping kiss, that felt a little awkward to watch.

“Does she want both of us?” Janeen asked.

Gren shook her head. “Sorry, sister.” She glanced over at me. “Unless you changed your mind.”

It was very tempting. “I’ve got enough going on right now, without adding another relationship,” I said.

“Doesn’t have to be a relationship,” Janeen said. “Gren said you have a colossal cock.”

“Some other time, maybe?” I said, trying to be polite.

“Hmm,” said Janeen. “Well, you know where the furs are, Gren. Have fun.”

Furs. I hadn’t thought much about how Trolls slept. Gren led me to a room that had several pelts laid out. One still had a bear head attached, and I was a bit dubious. But they seemed to be clean enough, and they were definitely soft and comfy.

Gren took off her clothes, and so did I, and we embraced on the furs. “Let us make love as women,” she told me.

I smiled. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I was about to find out. Her hand slid down my chest, detoured over my now-hard cock, and then her fingers began to explore the wet lips of my pussy. I followed her lead, moving my hand between her legs.

Her fingers slid inside me, and mine inside her, while we kissed and pressed our bodies close. My jutting cock pressed against her belly, but she ignored it, finding nerves I wasn’t familiar with inside me.

“Does it feel good, Abby?”

“Yes,” I told her. “And different.”

“I want to make you cum like this,” she told me. “If I can.”

My cock ached to be stroked, but what was happening to me inside was too interesting to ignore. “Please,” I told her.

Her next touch made me shudder. Was that a G-spot? Did I even have one? Whatever, it felt so good when her fingers curled inside me. Pressure built deep in my core and felt like it rippled all over my body. My breasts had become so sensitive, and I moaned when she palmed one. I rained kisses down on her neck as the pressure below became more and more intense, and had trouble focusing on what my own fingers were doing.

“Let me go down on you,” I whispered to her.

“Not until you cum for me,” she said.

“But I don’t know if I can.”

Gren smiled. “I can feel you. You’re so close. Just let go, Abby.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Then don’t think about it. Just enjoy the feelings.”

Then her fingers found another place, and it no longer mattered that I didn’t know how to cum this way. I didn’t know how to not cum this way, either. Something powerful rippled through my body and my pussy contracted, squeezing her hand. And then the ripple surged through my cock, trapped between our bodies, and I squirted cum all over both of us.

“Mmm, yes,” Gren said. “So beautiful. I knew you’d be a squirter.”

Well, honestly, I always had been.

She let me go, and started licking the cum off my chest, turning her body around. She licked it off my cock, and then her pussy was over me, the dark blue lips glistening, her clit engorged. I stretched out my tongue, and started tracing the alphabet on her clit. They probably used different letters in Amaranth, where they had written language, but I didn’t imagine it would matter in this case.

She squeezed my head with her powerful thighs, so I knew I was doing something she enjoyed. I just needed to survive the experience. But what a way to go!

She was licking at my pussy now, my cock nestled between her big breasts, but I could tell she was distracted. I renewed my efforts, and was rewarded as her body shook above me.

“Abbbby!” she yelled.

A moment later she rolled off, and we held each other, quietly. I could hear a faint sloshing sound coming from just outside, and then a woman’s moan.

“She’d come in if we asked, you know,” Gren whispered.

It was still tempting, but I shook my head. “I’ve got everything I need, right now. That was amazing.”

“It was. Amazing amorous Abby.”