The Accidental Necromancer
Almost

There was really only one thing I could do. I couldn’t turn away from the danger of Gull’s axe, or he would slice me in two. Dimension Step only let me go where I was facing. So I spent the last of my mana to go forward about six feet, and then whirled with the katana. I was no expert, but I was now facing Gull’s back, and it wasn’t that hard to make sure my swing was neck high, and my futa body was plenty strong. There was an ugly crunch as blade cut into bone. Double damage, I suppose.

At the same moment, the flaming wall flickered out of existence. Baradzem was actually turning away from me for some reason.

Thunk. Baradzem dropped his staff, and his body followed a moment later. And Gren walked out of the woods, nocking another arrow. She was nearly a hundred yards away. She limped a little as she walked.

There was nowhere for me to go, and a few of the trolls were looking at me. Two had bows pointed. But most of the trolls were now looking at Gren.

“Hi guys,” I said, trying to sound as calm as I could. “Chief Gavabar is having an orgy tonight, and you’re all invited. Lots of alcohol to go around.”

“Leave her alone, or whoever messes with her gets the next arrow.” Gren yelled. She could really project. As she got closer, I noticed scratches all over her body.

Of course she couldn’t fight them all. And neither could I. We were in a completely losing position, except none of the trolls wanted to be the next to die, and the leaders that would tell them to charge were dead. They slowly lowered their bows.

Across the field, Gavabar’s motley crew were moving forward.

“Hail the chief!” yelled one of the twenty who had been defending Baradzem moments ago.

And then the two groups surged forward, merging into one. The trolls spit on their hands and clasped them so many times that dehydration seemed possible. Meanwhile, Gren walked closer.

“Brave bi-sexed beauty,” she called.

“And almost a bisected one,” I retorted. “That was some amazing shooting.”

“I had lots of time to aim the first shot,” she said. “The second one was just lucky. I couldn’t let anything happen to your prodigious penis.” She un-nocked the arrow, returning it to her quiver, and took the knife out of her belt. Casually, as if butchering an animal, she slit Baradzem’s throat.

That was so frightening! This is why you fight behind a whole army of zombies. Don’t do that again! If I had pants I would have pissed in them, except I don’t actually piss anymore. And tell your friends not to mess with the corpses, they work better if they aren’t too mangled.

Apparently Enash had been scared silent for a while. It was almost a reason to live a life of constant danger. But no. I might have pissed my pants, too, if I’d had time to think rather than react.

“So it worked?” Gren asked.

“More or less,” I said. “How’s Xyla? How’s the forest?”

“Gracious green girl will be okay, but she’s pretty upset. Okay, she’s very upset. The forest — well, forests recover from things, but it’ll take a long time. According to Xyla. I think she would have happily butchered everyone here, much mayhem, but she is too busy trying to stop the damage.”

I nodded.

You should loot the corpses!

Baradzem and Gull had more golden bangles on them. The axe Gull had dropped had gilt and gems, too, but Gren picked that up from the ground.

“My tribe has the, what did you call it?” Gren asked. “Whiskey?”

“Yep. Two bottles.”

“There will be an orgy tonight, then. It is a time to celebrate. They will be expecting me. I know that others think troll customs are weird.” She glanced sidelong at me.

I wondered if she was asking me if I was okay with it. I didn’t feel we were a couple, just friends, allies, and two persons who had enjoyed a good threesome. And who were still attracted to each other. But even if we were closer than that, I didn’t want to own anyone, any more than I wanted to be owned. “Do you want to?” I asked.

“I should. It is an opportunity for the tribe to bond.”

I smiled. “That isn’t what I asked.”

“I’ll be taking maidenfriend. I won’t get pregnant.”

I had to admit that relieved me a bit. “Okay,” I said.

Gren frowned. “It won’t be as much fun as fucking green girl and damsel with dick.”

“That’s not what I asked either.”

“You could join, and that would make it more fun. I’m sure you’d be welcome.”

“It would make it more complicated, too,” I said. I wasn’t adverse to an orgy with troll women, if they looked remotely like Gren. I wasn’t adverse to having sex with troll women next to troll men having sex with troll women. At the same time, I preferred connection to orgies, and my ambiguous gender might lead to all sorts of misunderstandings in the middle of a bunch of drunk trolls. Not objecting to casual sex and an orgy was different from preferring it to intimacy and connection. “No thank you.”

“Darn, I was looking forward to watching you get fucked. As well as having you put your colossal cock in me again.”

Orgy! Orgy! Orgy!

I shook my head. “No.”

“I should go,” Gren said.

“You still didn’t answer my question.”

Gren hesitated. “Yes, I want to, and no, I don’t want you to think less of me.”

I nodded and pulled two more bottles of whiskey from my bag. “With my blessings,” I said, handing them to her. “Tell your father we’ll work out a deal for a steady supply and enjoy yourself. Join your people, and don’t tell anyone where my home is, please.”

She nodded, pressing a finger to her lips. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“Thank you.”

She walked over to the others, and I watched her go. I wanted to find Xyla, and be with her. I also wanted, at some point, to get home, although I was starting to wonder what that meant. Home didn’t always just mean the place you owned and slept in.

“Hey everyone,” Gren yelled. “I have tales to tell! Ferocious females, daring deeds, and enormous erections!”

Well, I thought, at least one of my secrets was safe. I backed away, and then realized that no, I had a mess to clean up back in the village. So I walked a ways behind Gren.

“You joining us for the orgy?” Someone yelled.

I shook my head, waving in what I hoped was a friendly fashion, and headed for the village. Everyone else headed that way, too. Gren had an audience for her tale. I’d have to teach her the word futa. I was sure she could find some f-word to alliterate with it.

“Abby. A word. Don’t make an old man hurry.”

I turned. It was Gavabar.

I waited for him. “I left some zombies in your village,” I said in a low voice. “In your home, actually. And Varek’s corpse. I thought I should take care of that.”

“Yes. I suppose you should. I — well, your evil was useful. And Gren seems to like you. You had her drink your whiskey, I assume?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said.

Gavabar stroked his double chin. “Hmm. Not unheard of, I suppose. Just rare. Is it true the rest of what she says? About your —”

I shrugged. “She might exaggerate,” I said. “But I don’t think she outright lies about things.”

Gavabar laughed. “She has always been an enhancer of epics. But we need to talk about the whiskey.”

“I have more. I can get you more. We’ll work out something in exchange, later. And I’ll look into your wood problems, too. And your sanitation issues.”

“Sanitation issues?” Gavabar said.

“The odor of your village,” I replied.

“Women always complain, but it’s fine,” Gavabar said.

I didn’t reply to that. “Let me run ahead and take care of things before you get there.”

He frowned. “Okay, Abby. But we must thank you properly at some point. And please don’t send zombies against us.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” I said, and quickened my pace. Gavabar was weak and tired, and it wasn’t hard to out walk him. The other trolls seemed to want him to be in the front, and slowed down enough to make it happen.

I got to the hut and the two zombies were there waiting for me. And of course, Varek’s body.

I checked my system display.

Abby Thorson

Species: Demonic Futanari / Human

Class: Necromancer / Seductress

Level: 1

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 8

Intelligence:8

Wisdom: 7

Charisma 11

Health: 20/20

Mana: 24/81

Endurance: 14/30

Experience for Next Level: 27

Innate Demonic Ability: Dimension Step

Innate Seductress Abilities: Back Stab (Seductress version), Special Attraction

Spells: Life Drain, Detect Magic, Animate Lesser Undead, Charm Person

I thought about what I’d done, and thought I should have earned 170 more experience points at most, for the killing and the animating.  I expected to be more than halfway there, but 27 points shy?

Almost there buddy! Pretty soon you’ll just be mostly incompetent.

“I don’t see you doing anything. What did I get all those points for?”

I know but I’m not telling you.

So not for anything Enash wanted me to do, I supposed. I shrugged. I turned to the zombies. “Pick up the body and follow me.”

I walked straight south out of town, even though it resulted in me walking through more annoying prairie grass and getting more bug bites. It also meant that the returning celebration didn’t have to encounter a bunch of undead just before the orgy. I didn’t know about the trolls, but for me personally that would be a buzz-kill.

Even if I had been in the mood for a giant troll orgy, Varek’s body reminded me of all the death I’d caused. I didn’t regret it, but I wanted time to process it.

“System Display, turn experience notifications back on.”

Experience notifications turned on.

“Can you tell me what I got experience for today?”

Nothing.

I walked back toward the forest, stopping now and then to drain the life from a little prairie grass. It was enough to heal the bug bites, at least. The zombies didn’t seem to care about the bugs. Or anything, really, but they were slow, and probably even slower from carrying something.

Well, I should have enough mana by now.

I pulled out the wand. “Animate Lesser Undead,” I said, touching Varek’s corpse with the tip.

For animating the body of an enemy, you earned 10 experience points, and need 17 to become a second level Seductress/Necromancer.

I instructed the zombies to let the new guy walk, and had they formed a little train behind me. Not, thank goodness, the kind of train that Gren might end up pulling.

I hoped she had a good time.

The trolls left two bodies behind.

“Yeah, I knew that.” I walked along the tree line, back toward the battlefield, surveying the damage from the fire with sadness, but I didn’t see any active blazes.

I was afraid you were too eager to get back to banging the dryad. Nothing better to keep her mind off her troubles than a good pounding, and you’re probably pretty pumped from all that killing. It’s exhilarating, isn’t it?

It was not. But I saw a lever there, and I was going to use it. “I was thinking that I’d take her back to Earth and we’d have a little fun there. You know, where we have a little privacy.”

You wouldn’t.

“Oh, that’s the way it’s going to be from now on unless you do that cooperating you’ve been talking about. No seeing the hot futa body you made in action.”

How have I not cooperated?

“Well, for starters, remember not telling me about how I got all the experience points?”

Alright, if I tell you, will you shag her where I can watch?

Apparently the Earth media he’d seen included Austin Powers. “If she’s in the mood,” I said.

You and your ethics. Fine. You got the experience when you solved the problem with the trolls and brought peace to the village. It really just replaces all the mana you could get from lots of killing.

“Wait, how does that fit in with being a necromancer? Or a seductress, for that matter?”

Probably because if you hadn’t vamped the construction crew, it wouldn’t have happened. “Using their sexuality to gain advantage in other spheres,” I believe was the wording.

I chuckled. “See, I don’t have to kill things to get ahead.”

That’s the conclusion I was afraid you’d come to. But killing is really the easiest, and the best way. And it makes you feel like you’ve made a difference.

I whistled, feeling a lightness in my soul at the thought that the Seductress class, which Enash had chosen against my will, actually meant I could advance without blood. I’d always been able to whistle, but it sounded different as Abby.

That’s really catchy.

I realized I was whistling, “Downtown.”

The bodies of Baradzem and Gull still lay where they had fallen, although a few birds were pecking away at them and their bodies had been stripped. The birds quickly flew away as I approached with the zombies behind me.

“Hey, Enash,” I said. “Can you let me know when important things happen? Like when my mana is low, or I get some new unexpected source of experience? That way I won’t have to monitor it all the time, and I know you can access my system display.”

I’ll think about it. Depends on how much you cooperate. I have other things to do than monitor the system display, you know.

“Like what?”

He didn’t answer. Well, silence was golden, too. I ordered the zombies to pick up the bodies and headed south to look for Xyla. It would be dark when I got home, even assuming I took the most direct path with only my compass to guide me.

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