The Accidental Necromancer
The Puzzle

I lost track of time while I put the puzzle together, dimly aware it was getting late but too focused to look at my watch. The puzzle was harder than I thought, because the limited color palette made it hard to sort after I’d gotten the edge done, but it had less than five hundred pieces, so it wasn’t that difficult. The worst part was the size of the thing, nearly six feet square. It wouldn’t have fit on any table I had, so doing it on the floor was a good decision, but I ended up crawling around a lot while putting it together. Even in my thick work jeans, that much crawling on a tile floor was hard on the knees. But at last I was done, and I stood up to survey what I’d accomplished.

Definitely not a children’s puzzle. The puzzle showed the inside of a dark windowless room, the walls made from large granite blocks. In the middle, on a dais, was a stone sarcophagus. Two lit torches on opposite walls provided all the light, their yellow flame the only dash of color, leaving much of the room in deep shadow. There was a hint of engraving on the walls. Weirdly, the torches seemed to flicker as I looked at them, and the shadows in the depicted room seemed to lengthen and recede with their flickering. I looked closely, thinking it had to be a clever artistic illusion, like one of those paintings where the eyes seemed to follow you wherever you went. The pieces hadn’t shifted shades like that when I’d had them in my hands, or before the puzzle had been finished. But the more I looked, the less I could imagine how the trick was done. As I moved around to get a new perspective, the dark room looked three-dimensional, rather than a painted surface.

The lid of the stone coffin moved. For a long moment I stared as the heavy looking stone slab slid sideways, and then toppled to the ground, breaking into several parts. A dimly lit figure arose from the coffin and seemed to look up at me. It looked female, with sexy curves. I liked a naked girl as much as anyone, but good things don’t live in coffins.

The whole thing was crazy, impossible.

I decided that putting the puzzle together had been a very bad thing. I got back on my knees, crawled onto the puzzle, and reached for the center pieces through which what I assumed was a vampire moved, wanting to tear it apart and end whatever magic held it together. The idea that I was dreaming, or going insane, passed through my mind, but regardless I had to deal with the problem before me.

But instead of grabbing a piece, my hand went through the puzzle. I overbalanced, and fell into the pit the puzzle had become, straight toward the woman. She rose up to meet me in the air, and everything seemed to go in slow motion for a moment.

There was a mist between us, and we slowly approached each other in mid-air, shrouded by fog. And when we collided, her hands chilled me, and went right through me as I, in turn, passed through her.

For a moment, we occupied the same space. Time froze.

Foolish Mortal!

The voice seemed to boom, even though it came entirely from inside my head. It was a bit cliché, I thought.

I, Enash, have risen again! You have provided the gateway by which I shall conquer your world!

Then time sped up again, and I resumed falling. I twisted my body, and landed on my ass in the coffin, landing on top of a skeleton. The brittle bones below me shattered under the impact of my weight hitting them after falling for twenty or thirty feet. It wasn’t a pleasant landing, but it was better than landing on my head. My tailbone hurt but I didn’t think anything was broken, except the skeleton beneath me.

It smelled musty down here. As bad as any basement I’d ever been in, although at least not like mold.

You destroyed my bones! And we’re going the wrong direction! Never mind, mortal. I control you now!

I didn’t feel controlled, although I definitely felt odd.  Above me, a stone ceiling loomed, about twenty feet away, and in the middle of it six foot square oil painting. But this painting showed a space lit by electric lights, with a drop ceiling and rough walls. My new basement, as viewed from the bottom.

I lifted my arm to grasp the side of the coffin, and my arm brushed against something soft. I looked down.

I still had my t-shirt on, but it had filled out considerably in a couple of places. I had breasts.

I was torn between the desire to figure that out, and get the hell out of there. I hoisted myself out. The whole place was extremely stuffy, with a strong hint of mold. At one end were two heavy oaken doors. If nothing else, opening them would ventilate the place.

Now we go to conquer the world!

My pants fell to my hips, and even then they threatened to fall further. My legs felt like they were swimming in them. I looked down and hoisted them up. Apparently I had a girl’s legs as well, and a very slender waist. But my clothes hadn’t changed a bit.

Also, I was trapped in a tomb under my basement, with a megalomaniac voice in my head. It was hard to know what to concentrate on. It was a dream, of course. It just didn’t feel like one.

I told myself to wake up, but nothing changed.

Now we go to conquer the world!

Nothing much happened. “Bwahahaha,” I said. My voice was higher than normal, which freaked me out a little.

What?

“You’re supposed to laugh maniacally after saying things like that.” Yeah, I was a soprano now. Well, I had other things to worry about. I had to stay calm and think rationally about the situation.

Enough, mortal! It is I, Enash, who will rule! I who will command this voluptuous and yet fearsome body!

I wasn’t sure what made my body fearsome, but I was all too aware of the voluptuousness. My tits swung as I took a walk around, trying to see if I could find any way up. With every step I was reminded that this body was different. My shoes were too big. My boobs bounced. And between my legs was a very odd sensation I couldn’t describe. In another situation, I’d probably be ogling myself, but right then I was too terrified.

The engravings didn’t help, full of depictions of undead armies and unspeakable atrocities.

Then I felt a huge pressure in my head. Enash, whoever he was, was trying to get in. I imagined pushing out at him, and the headache receded. As I pushed outward, I felt a presence. I’d learned a long time ago that it didn’t work with bullies just to take a blow and go about your business. You had to punch back. So mentally, I threw a haymaker.

Something gave way. The headache was gone as if it had never existed.

What! No!!! It cannot be!

There was a lot about the situation that “could not be,” as far as I was concerned, but a lot of it seemed to be, anyway.

The door was the only way out, and if I was going to spend time here, I sure hoped I could get out of the mausoleum. Maybe I could find something to build a ladder with so I could get back to my basement.

I walked toward the door, and gave it a try, appreciating that the torches gave me some light to work with while wondering how they were burning. There must have been some vents to allow oxygen flow, but still, a torch should burn out rather quickly.

We need to go up and get some guns first. Then we can conquer this world, and then yours!

“Again, it’s traditional to say bwahahaha after that sort of thing. Well, we’ll see, won’t we?” I decided to humor the voice by talking to it, but if it wanted to go up, I was a little less eager. I felt a tug, like a two-year old pulling an adult. I could sense it, but it didn’t stop me or even seriously bother me, especially because unlike a two-year old, I really didn’t care if Enash got metaphorically dragged along the floor.

The door had three heavy iron bolts holding it shut, one at the top, one in the middle, and one near the bottom that was curved and went into the floor. Each bolt was nearly an inch wide, and attached to black iron fastenings, or in the case of the one at the bottom, into the stone itself.

I tried the bolt above, and the bolt in the middle, but they were both rusted shut. Nothing some oil and patience couldn’t solve, I suspected. The bottom bolt, however, pulled right up, although not without a horrendous squeaking noise.

The wards are down! It is as I thought! They do not stop a mortal from leaving, and thus I, Enash, shall yet again walk Amaranth, bringing destruction and pain! I have broken the seal!

“You didn’t do it. I did.” And maybe it wasn’t a good thing, but I couldn’t just sit in there to rot. I hefted the big iron U-shaped bolt in my hand and tapped it experimentally off the middle bolt. Sometimes rust would come off with a sharp tap.

Careful, you’ll alert the guards on the other side.

“What guards?” I tugged my pants up again. They rubbed against something, but I didn’t want to deal with that right now. The whole being a girl thing would take some processing.

Guards to stop anyone from approaching my tomb and freeing me. If you let me take over, I can kill them with Fog of Death.

“I don’t want to kill anyone.” I didn’t hear any guards outside, either, but maybe they were super quiet. If they were close they could hear me, though, and I thought I could hear if something was moving on the other side unless they were very quiet indeed. I put my ear up against the door, but I still heard nothing.

They are in our way. We can turn them into soldiers for our undead army.

“Right.” Maybe I should have stopped tapping, but I was too curious, so I did it some more at the top, finally convinced that it wasn’t doing enough to jar the bolts free. I’d need my tools for that, and right now I didn’t have a way to get them.

This isn’t happening!

“That’s the way I feel, too.” I wasn’t getting out through the door. I inspected the torches. As far as I could tell, they were burning without being consumed.

“Magic?”

Brilliant, aren’t you?

I wasn’t climbing up the walls to get back to my own house, either. I looked around for things I could stack, but there was really just the coffin, and it was probably too heavy to move. It looked like it was made of solid stone. If I stood on top of it, balancing on the edges which were a good four inches across, jumped up, and tried to grab, I’d still be at least six feet shy, and there wasn’t any way to get higher. The broken stone slab wouldn’t add much, even if I tried to balance it on the lip of the sarcophagus. If I had some rope, maybe I could attach it to the curved bar and hook something up in my basement, but the rope I had was up in the house.

“Looks like we’re stuck,” I said. Unless I managed to wake up. Other than the brief moment in the mist nothing had felt dream-like, but a dream was as good an explanation as any.

I did not do all this just to be stuck in this tomb!

I took another walk around, hoping to spot something new. My pants slipped annoyingly. I reached down for them, just as they slipped further, and grabbed a cock, instead.

I know, this is where I’m supposed to describe it as throbbing, hard, what have you. But I was trapped in a tomb, with death by starvation probable. I wasn’t exactly feeling sexy, big breasts or no, and my cock was definitely soft. And everything down there felt rather strange.

Well, if we’re stuck the least you can do is play with it.

There was logic to that, but I was feeling contrary, and I wasn’t going to accept being stuck. I hoisted my pants up, ignoring the way I had to squish my tits to even reach down, and tightened my belt all the way. I had to find a solution.

If you let me take over, I can get us out. After a good wank.

“Not happening.” I liked life as much as anyone, but I was not letting Enash take over my body — or even the body I found myself in — as the first step toward taking over the world.

Alright, well, at least look at your system display to figure out what you can do.

“My what?”

System display. Just think about wanting to see it, and you will.

That seemed harmless enough, even though I suspected some kind of trick. I really didn’t have any other options. Feeling silly, I wished to see my system display.

I suddenly saw words, like they were floaters on the inside of my eyeball.

Abel Thorson

Species: Demonic Futanari / Human

Class: Necromancer / ?

Level: 1

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 8

Intelligence:8

Wisdom: 7

Charisma 10

Health: 19/20

Mana: 81

Endurance: 30

Experience for Next Level: 1000

Innate Demonic Ability: Dimension Step

Spells: Life Drain, Detect Magic, Animate Lesser Undead

That was it. I was surprised at how short it was, right after I finished being surprised that it worked at all.

“Holy fuck,” I said, as it hit me. “I have spells!”

Lowly, puny spells. First circle crap! And your mana! And what the hell is the system doing saying you have more wisdom than I do? I’ve got a brain capable of spanning worlds, and --

“Actual magic!” It seemed the sanest thing to focus on. Better than the fact that I had a character sheet, even if it was an abbreviated one, which was just plain weird. Definitely better than thinking about the fact that I now had big, gravity-defying breasts, and a curvy woman’s body with a penis. Futanari, as the system display said.

But didn’t futanari mean more than just that?

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