Sweet Hatred
Chapter 131: the end (I)

Chapter 131: the end (I)

The world detonated.

The shockwave threw me back like a ragdoll. I hit the ground hard, pain splintering through my back, my ribs, my skull. The earth shook. The sky screamed. The sound—the sound was a goddamn banshee wail of hellfire and chaos.

And my first thought—

Not my body.

Not the pain.

Ivan.

No. No, no, no—

I crawled up, half-blind through smoke and dust and screaming voices. My ears were ringing, blood hot in my mouth. Soldiers ran past, shouting orders. Flames licked the sky just ahead—in the direction Ivan had gone.

"Ivan," I choked out.

No one heard me.

I didn’t feel the pain until the ground stopped shaking.

There was blood on my hands, smoke in my throat, fire behind my eyes. My ears rang like church bells during war, the taste of iron thick in my mouth as I forced myself to stand. My leg—I don’t even know if it was broken or torn or just something less than human—but I limped through the carnage anyway. I couldn’t stop. Not now.

"Ivan!" I screamed, throat raw. "IVAN!"

Bodies. So many fucking bodies. Mangled, charred, discarded like garbage.

No, no, no.

This couldn’t be it.

I couldn’t find him like this.

"Ivan," I choked, staggering over someone’s corpse—his eyes still open, blood pooled under him. Not him. Not him.

Please not him.

I stumbled again, caught myself on a ruined post. My leg almost gave out, and my vision blurred from the pain. My lungs burned. My chest was too tight, like the panic was choking me from the inside out.

And then—I saw him.

Through the smoke.

Dragging someone. Bleeding, limping, alive.

Alive.

My knees almost gave out.

"Ivan!"

His head whipped around. His eyes met mine.

And then—

And then he smiled. That smile. That fucking stupid, beautiful, Ivan smile.

But in the blink of an eye—

Gunfire. I didn’t even hear the first shot. But I felt it tear through me. And then the sound of him screaming my name.

Then his body slammed into mine like a battering ram, knocking the air from my lungs as we crashed to the dirt. His arms wrapped around me like a shield as bullets rained, his body taking every single hit—

No.

No no no.

Bullets tore the air to shreds. I felt him jolt helplessly.

"IVAN!" I screamed beneath him, fighting to push him off, to see, to check, to breathe.

But he held me down, teeth gritted, face twisted in pain.

"Stay down—Kael—fucking stay down—"

"Get off me," I gasped, panicking. "I need to see you—I need—fuck, Ivan, please—"

His weight was too heavy. My hands were shaking. My heart was screaming louder than the chaos around us.

"Ivan," I said, desperate, clawing at his back, "you’re okay—you’re okay, you have to be—"

I finally rolled him off me.

Blood. So much blood.

His uniform was soaked. His side. His shoulder. His fucking stomach.

"Ivan," I sobbed, pressing my hands to the wound. "You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. I won’t let you fucking go—"

He blinked up at me, dazed.

"Ivan, please... please," I choked out, my voice cracking like broken glass. I was barely breathing, barely even existing at this point, but I wasn’t going to stop. I couldn’t.

I pulled him up again, my arms trembling beneath his weight, his body drenched in his own blood. I stumbled through the wreckage, the sound of gunfire still ringing in my ears, the stench of death too thick to swallow. I could barely see through the tears blurring my vision, but I kept fighting. Kept dragging him.

"Ivan, stay with me. You stay with me, okay?" I pleaded, my voice barely a whisper, hoarse and ragged.

I could feel his weight slipping more with each step I took. His breathing was shallow, more labored with every passing second. I wanted to scream. To rip the world apart around us.

"Somebody help! Please, somebody—anybody!" I yelled, my voice echoing into the chaos. But there was no one. No one except the soldiers I could barely see through the smoke, too far away to be of any help.

And then—

Another shot.

I didn’t even hear the crack of the bullet. I felt the burn in my knee before I realized what happened. And another. Again and again. My body crumpled, my leg gave way beneath me, and the world tipped sideways. I let out a strangled scream, still holding Ivan, still holding on to him like I was fucking drowning and he was the only thing keeping me from going under.

The pain in my body was blinding, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but him.

"Ivan," I gasped, struggling to keep him in my arms, trying to stand, trying to make it stop. "We can’t stop. We can’t—"

But I could see him now. His face, pale and ashen. His eyes fluttering, barely open. The blood on his skin was already darkening, still soaking through his clothes, and his lips—God, his lips—barely moved when he spoke.

"Kael..." His voice was a whisper. A ghost of a sound. "Kael, I’m... sorry... I’m sorry for... saying those... words... to you."

I choked on my own breath. "No. Don’t you dare apologize. Don’t you dare—"

But his fingers brushed my face, trembling, and my heart nearly fucking exploded. "You’re... nothing... like him."

"Ivan—"

He pulled his hand back, but not before his fingers left a trail of blood on my skin. He tried to push himself up but collapsed again, and the desperation—God, the desperation in his eyes.

"Save yourself, Kael," he muttered, the words like knives in my chest. "Please. It’s too late for me. You... you... you have to survive. Leave me here. Find... Happiness"

No.

No.

I shook my head violently, my hands desperate as I pulled him closer, pressing his bloody body to mine, ignoring the fresh pain shooting up my leg.

"No," I whispered, my tears mingling with the blood that coated his face. "No, I can’t... I can’t leave you. Not like this. Not when I—"

His voice was faint, barely audible over the pounding of my heart. "You deserve better... Kael. You deserve... someone... who’s not a coward... Someone who— who can love you... properly... who isn’t... damaged like me..."

My breath caught in my throat.

I gripped him tighter, my hands shaking violently. I didn’t care about my pride. I didn’t care about the blood anymore. "Stop, Ivan. Don’t say that. Don’t say any of that. You’re not—"

But he was fading. His eyes fluttered closed, the strength draining from his body, and every breath he took seemed like a miracle slipping through his fingers.

"Kael... I really... don’t want... to die. I want to... live... with you."

"Ivan, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this. Please don’t do this to me." My voice cracked again, falling apart.

He opened his eyes one last time, just barely, looking up at me with tears in his eyes. That stupid fucking smile. It was broken now, twisted with pain.

"I’m sorry... Kael," he whispered, his voice so soft, so fragile. "I love you. I’m sorry for everything. I just... I didn’t know how to love you. I didn’t know how to be anything other than what I was. Please... forgive me..."

My body shook violently as I held him, my soul splitting in two.

"I love you too, Ivan... I love you, you idiot. I can’t—" My words stopped, choked by the sobs clawing their way up my throat. "I can’t lose you. I won’t—"

But his eyes were slipping away again. His grip on me weakening.

"I... love you, Kael..." he muttered, barely above a whisper, his hand falling away from my face, his body going limp in my arms.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t think.

I just... couldn’t let him go.

"Ivan! Ivan!" I screamed, shaking him, trying to force him back to me, back to life, but his body was heavy. Lifeless. "Please... stay awake, please don’t leave me..."

The world went quiet.

I was still screaming his name, begging the universe, begging anyone, but all I could hear was the pounding of my heart. His heartbeat was gone.

And I couldn’t—

I couldn’t make it stop.

.....

The white of the hospital ceiling was too bright. Too clean. Too quiet.

It mocked the chaos that still pulsed behind my eyes, in the blood dried into my skin, in the silence where Ivan’s voice used to be.

I blinked once. Twice. My lashes were crusted with sleep and grief and smoke. My body ached—burned in places. The gauze around my thigh throbbed with every beat of my heart. But it wasn’t the pain that woke me.

It was the absence.

"Ivan," I whispered, mouth dry. "Ivan."

No answer.

I tried to sit up. Alarms went off. Hands pushed me back. I fought them—I fought—but I was weak. Weaker than I’d ever been in my life.

"Colonel, please—"

"Where is he?" My voice cracked open like a rib. "Where is he?"

A nurse hesitated. That was all it took.

I knew.