Sharing a Pavilion With You
Chapter 107: Making Tan Bowen Whole?

Chapter 107: Making Tan Bowen Whole?

[Suggested song for this Chapter: Lakmé, Act 1; Duo des fleurs (Instrumental Version), by Delibes]

Tan Bowen shepherded Meili into a garden pavilion.

"Mei Meili, I barely get to see you anymore, it’s very sad," he shook his head morosely. "I used to be able to drop by anytime I wanted to."

"We were young then, Tan Bowen. We’re growing up. It makes sense that you can’t keep climbing the wall into my courtyard forever, don’t you think?" she asked him gently.

"No!" he said petulantly. "You should still be at home, and I should still be climbing into your courtyard. If I’d known I would only have you there for such a short while, I would have dropped by every day..." he sounded wistful.

She laughed lightly. "If you had dropped by every day, you surely would have been found out, and then you wouldn’t have ever been able to come and visit me. It was just as it should be. They were perfectly happy days," she said, smiling in pleasure at the memory.

"They were," he agreed glumly. "Are you happy here, Mei Meili?" he asked, searching her face for clues.

"I’m used to it now," she replied. "There’s no use being unhappy. I’m honoured to be serving the Emperor, so I feel useful for the first time in my life, even if I am a bit scared. When I was stuck in the inner courtyards, I felt so useless. Like my life had no purpose."

This wasn’t what he wanted to hear...

"A beautiful woman like you doesn’t need to have a purpose. You should be looked after and cared for like a princess, not worked to the bone as a Court Lady," he said bitterly.

She smiled at the rose-coloured glasses he saw her through, pleased that their friendship made him partisan in her favour.

"I’m not worked to the bone," she laughed. "The Emperor is worked to the bone. If I can help make his day just a little easier and brighter, it’s all worthwhile, because I’m helping the people, if I can help him," she spoke proudly. "And I can do my bit to help Bai Li and my brothers, and the Second Prince, if I’m by the Emperor’s side."

"Wouldn’t you prefer to leave this place, Mei Meili?" Tan Bowen spoke earnestly. "Do you want me to help you? I’d rather see you spend your days painting, singing, playing the guqin. That’s what you were made for Mei Meili, the finer things in life. Besides it’s so dangerous here. I’m terrified for your safety every minute you stay here. Look what’s happened already..."

She looked at him oh so sweetly, making his heart clench.

"Thank you for caring so much about me, Tan Bowen."

"I do care Mei Meili. I really do. Please let me take you away from the palace. Let’s leave the capital together. Let me look after you. We can get married, or not, as you please. Just don’t stay here..." his voice cracked on these last few words, his desperation plain.

She clasped his hand, despite the rule about men and women not touching, he just looked like he really needed some comfort.

"Tan Bowen," she said seriously, "even if I wanted to leave the palace, I can’t. It won’t matter if you want to marry me to help me escape. His Majesty has already said bestowing a marriage on me sits with him, and he’ll do so at a time of his choosing, which certainly won’t be so soon after I’ve entered the palace to serve him. Not to mention there’s still the concubine selections.

But I also don’t want to leave, I’m sorry, Tan Bowen. A life of art and music is not enough in these troubled times. I must stay and do anything I can to help. To help my brothers, Bai Li, the Second Prince, the Emperor.

You should be helping too. How can you simply stand by and watch without trying to help your friends? I know you Tan Bowen, you care deeply. You’d soon tire of the life of an artist in the countryside, while Bai Li is fighting in the north and the Second Prince is fighting in court. Fifth Brother will get called to fight soon enough. First and Second will leave for the north with Bai Li.

It’s not enough to flee and try to forget all of this Tan Bowen, it’s far from enough..."

"It’s enough for me, Mei Meili," he said miserably, "it’s enough for me..." he gazed imploringly at her.

"I don’t believe you for a minute. I think you’re driven by trying to save me, which is an admirable and selfless aim in itself. But I think you should aim your sights higher. You’ll be dragged into this mess, whether you want to be or not."

"What can I do to help, Mei Meili? In all honesty, the most I can do is take you away from here. And that will please everyone you’re trying to help more than you staying here and giving them nothing but heartache, in exchange for a miniscule chance you can actually do something real."

He flung the words at her angrily, his powerlessness making him mean.

"Tan Bowen," she said reproachfully, dropping his hand. "I don’t think it’s fair to suggest I’m more of a burden than a help being here," tears sprang to her eyes.

His comment hurt, because it cut too close to the bone. It was a very real fear of hers that she couldn’t do anything useful and just required rescuing.

She waited for him to retract his unkind words, but he didn’t, holding her gaze steadily, his face serious and devoid of his usual ready grin.

She rose to leave, looking distressed.

"Tan Bowen, please don’t come back here to try and talk me into leaving, because I won’t do it, and I can’t. Think on what I said about helping your friends. I know you well enough to know that nothing else will make you whole."

She turned and left him sitting alone at the table in the pavilion.

He watched her retreating back until she was out of sight, before putting his head down on his folded arms, letting out a long shaky breath.

He had known that was how this conversation would go, but still, he had to try.

How little she knew him if she thought that anything but having her in his arms would make him whole...

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