Race With a Heart -
Chapter 95: Fighting Bad Feelings
Chapter 95: Fighting Bad Feelings
Steve took a deep breath and looked at the bright blue sky in front of him. The sky was calm and beautiful, but Paxton felt a little more anxious than it had been a week ago, when it was lead gray and heavy. A week ago he had to trust Allen’s judgment, and he knew the chief mechanic was an experienced, brilliant specialist and Steve could trust him blindly. Today Steve had to trust only himself.
That was the hardest part for him, trusting yourself. Maybe other people wouldn’t have a problem with it, but Paxton had lived for over three years with a tremendous guilt that ripped his mind and heart apart. So he was not as confident or as bold as others thought him to be. This put him in an even more difficult position because he felt that he was failing the expectations of others. As a result, he still had faith in his strength and capabilities, so it was extremely difficult for him to trust them.
However, somebody appeared who started telling him that he was neither bad nor broken. Someone who not only accepted him but also loved him. Perhaps he was blinded by love, or perhaps an objective truth spoke through Martin’s lips, but the boy clearly and repeatedly emphasized that Steve was better than he thought of himself.
According to Martin, only Steve thought so bad of himself. Other people saw goodness and talent in him. Steve might have doubted the former was true, but he was sure of his talent and ability to drive the car. He proved it more than once by starting and winning competitions. He didn’t win because others let him. He won because he was really good.
And now it’s time to once again prove his worth as a racing driver.
Steve closed his eyes. There was still a moment before the start lights would signal the race to begin. Steve closed his eyes and thought of Martin. He thought of the boy who loved him so much that he broke through all the walls surrounding Paxton’s heart and embraced it with a warm embrace, making it beat faster and... with hope.
’Martin’ thought Steve with all the passion he could. ’Martin, can you hear me? Martin, give me courage. Remember, you are in my heart first. ’
Martin put his hands to his heart, suddenly feeling a painful, hot pressure of anxiety in it. The boy immediately shook his head. No restless thoughts! Only one fervent thought could be found in the young mechanic’s heart.
’Steve, I’m with you!’
"Martin, what do you care so much about today’s race?" Dave mocked him. A week ago they had so much fun in Teddy’s apartment that they decided to repeat the situation and not go to the crowded bar, but spend the time intimately in their company. "Someone might think you miss your lover," he joked.
"Uhm," nodded the young mechanic, his eyes never leaving the TV screen.
All three looked at him slightly confused.
"Oh, yeah," Dave laughed nervously. "I forgot for a moment, that Paxton is your idol!"
"Not only my idol," Martin explained in a serious voice and looked straight into Dave’s eyes. "We meet as a couple."
After talking to Kevin, Martin thought a lot about whether he wanted the people around him to know that he was dating a man. Ultimately, if he is serious about Paxton, he will have to inform his mother and siblings. This cannot be avoided unless he wants to live a lie for the rest of his life. And Martin didn’t want that. He wanted people to accept his choice and enjoy his happiness. After all, the fact that he was dating a man, not a woman, did not change who he was. Just like the actor Moore mentioned. He didn’t stop being handsome, he didn’t stop acting well just because he turned out to be gay. So if people stop liking and respecting Martin, stop treating him like a friend just because he sleeps with a man, does he really want friends like that?
Therefore, he decided to start with his colleagues at work. Sid and Dave were young, so they should be open about these things. Teddy was a great unknown and a risk because most of the older people were very traditional. Martin knew he was liked by all three, but wouldn’t his admitting to a different sexual orientation change their attitude? The mechanic did not plan to make a big confession, so he confessed in passing. Now he waited curiously for their reaction. If they reject him, he will simply leave the car repair shop.
There was a heavy silence in the room. Each of the three men tried to understand what exactly the information given by their colleague meant.
"As a couple, you mean ...?" Dave looked like he was in deep shock. Sid gave him an uneasy, embarrassed, and stealthy look, as if his older friend’s reaction was not about Martin, but about Sid himself.
"Yes," said Martin and went back to watching what was happening on the screen, and at that point it was commercials. An advertisement for exclusive watches, whose protagonist was Steve Paxton, has just started.
At that moment, Martin felt a friendly tap on his shoulder. Surprised, he turned to Teddy.
"Your boyfriend is one of the best drivers I’ve ever seen," said the old man. "Why are you so concerned?"
"I don’t know," he admitted, surprised by Teddy’s natural reaction. Teddy accepts that Martin and Steve...? The boy shook his head. "I have some strange feelings. Steve was some ... strange yesterday ... "
He didn’t mean the sex itself, but how Paxton ended the conversation. ’I want you to always remember it, no matter what.’ Steve never said that before.
Teddy patted him kindly on the shoulder and, taking his hand away, sighed.
"Intuition is a great thing. If you anticipate something bad, you can prevent it. "
"But how?"
"Steve will do all the work. Your role as a spectator and his boyfriend is to have unlimited faith and trust in him. "
Martin nodded.
Yes, Teddy was right. Paxton was a damn good driver and the Fergus Stables cars, like all the cars on the overall competition, were very safe. Their design was such that even with repeated tumbling, the driver should not even have a scratch on him. So Martin had to have faith in Steve and his fellow mechanics.
"You would like to be there, right?" Teddy asked.
For Martin, ’there’ it was with Paxton.
"Yes," he admitted quietly, not even looking at the old man. The old man nodded thoughtfully.
Steve opened his eyes. He was now quite calm. Neither his hand nor his heart trembled.
He will not be looking for enemies. He won’t look for them in every shadow. He’s out on the track and he’s about to start. He’s not here to be afraid of the unknown, but to do what he did best - run a good race and, if he can - win. To win for Martin, yes, of course he wants to offer this victory to him, but this win will not only be for the young mechanic. This victory will be for all the mechanics who have contributed to making their cars second to none this season. This victory will also be for Karl Walton, who was so worried about Steve. It will also be for the entire Fergus Stables, which gave him a chance when Steve, smashed after Hannah’s accident, rode like a devil in amateur, not always legal races. But this victory will be primarily for himself.
It wasn’t about the prestige of the victory or the financial reward. It wasn’t that he had to prove to himself and to the world how good he was. The idea was not to get overcome by abstract fears that are or are not covered in reality. The idea was not to be intimidated. If Steve is afraid to go on track, there will be no place for him here. So today he will do his best! No matter how many people stand in his way. Steve won’t let himself stop. They cannot be scared. If he did, he would be finished.
And he wasn’t going to give up racing. Not like this. In the days of Hannah’s illness, racing was what kept him upright. It was thanks to them that he did not tumble into the gutter. Even when a drunk got into some kind of brawl, even when he landed in the bed of a girl whose name and face he couldn’t remember, Steve was always recovering because he had to sign up for training and had to drive a car that costs millions. It was the training routine that gave him the energy to get out of bed when the day seemed darker than ever. It was the adrenaline that came from driving fast and competition that raised his blood endorphins. It was racing that was the best antidote to the despair of his heart.
So if he quits racing, it is not because some shabby guy decided he should go out. No, Steve’s not going to do that to satisfy some freak’s sick desires to get rid of him. If Steve quits racing, he will do so voluntarily, not out of fear but because he has found something more enjoyable for himself, like spending time with Martin. Yes, for Martin, Paxton may quit racing, but only for him. So if he leaves the track it is not out of fear but out of love. And today he will prove it. No matter what obstacles stand in his way. Steve won’t give up!
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