Race With a Heart
Chapter 215 - 10 Is it PTSD?

Chapter 215: 10 Is it PTSD?

Larissa brewed them some strong tea. It was too late for coffee, she concluded. She sat her nephew, Karl, on the couch and sat in the chair herself. Her office was not a doctor’s office but the office of the director of the clinic she ran, so it smelled not of medical supplies but of exclusive, albeit subtle, perfumes.

"I’ll ask you directly, and I hope you’ll answer me honestly. As his boss, as someone responsible for his and others’ safety, I need to know," Karl Walton announced with tension. "Does Steve have PTSD?"

Larissa sighed.

"It’s too early to know."

"What do you mean, too early? After all, he’s had traumatic experiences that..."

"Karl, don’t confuse the concepts. Not every traumatic experience causes PTSD. There are other reactions to trauma, like anxiety. Yes, normal stress response is quite common, but it takes more than just the trauma experienced to diagnose PTSD. It takes the right symptoms with the right intensity."

"Larissa, please."

"Steve is feeling some effects of the trauma, but I wouldn’t give him a diagnosis of PTSD at this point, not even mild PTSD."

Karl took a deep breath, but couldn’t fully relax yet.

"But some effects he is feeling. Today, when I told him to enter the race, he looked like he was just having a panic attack."

"You shouldn’t do that," Larissa rebuked him. "To force Steve. It’s too risky and could cause a backlash."

"You’re telling me this now?" indignant Walton.

"And did you ask before?"

There was no point in arguing. Some sort of order had to be made about the situation.

"All right. My mistake. I’ll fix it somehow. Just tell me, will Steve be able to get back on track?"

"He most certainly will. Just...not necessarily now. You see, Steve has been under constant emotional stress of great intensity for a long period of time. Besides, you know that very well yourself. That might suggest the onset of comorbid PTSD, but I’ve talked to Steve and I don’t think he’s in that place. He seems to have recovered fully from a series of sudden, stressful events. Both his emotions and his body have been exposed to shock several times. He is simply tired both physically and emotionally. His body subconsciously defends itself against another threatening situation. He needs to rebuild himself, regain the energy to face them."

"But... isn’t it like he’ll keep doing these evasions indefinitely? Won’t he develop a permanent fear, some kind of phobia? I saw somewhere in some movie..."

"It’s possible, but unlikely in his case. I’ve been with Steve for several years and I know he’s a fighter. Plus, he loves car racing. The track is his element. As his body and heart get stronger, his competitive spirit and desire to win will awaken. It’s in his nature."

Now Karl could actually breathe. He trusted Larissa and her assessment of Paxton’s condition because she had actually been by his side for years, advising him as a doctor and as a friend, and it was because of her support that Steve had not fallen apart during his most difficult time.

"Do you think Steve will get his mojo back by the new season?"

Larissa mused for a moment.

"Yes, I think so. He could use a longer vacation from the Stables. Maybe some foreign vacation in a nice place and with a well-liked person. He should also know that he has the support of people, that they won’t reject him because of his problem, that he is not a problem to them and that he is still loved. If he relaxes for a few weeks, breathes deeply, he should feel a hunger for competition. Provided no new stressful adventure happens to him before then."

Karl clenched his teeth. Today he’d done something he shouldn’t have done in Steve’s case, threatened him with being fired from the Fergus Stables if he didn’t ride, but, damn it, Karl had been put up against the wall without any information from Paxton. If Steve had trusted him and told him something was bothering him....

No, Karl couldn’t blame Paxton. Steve wasn’t a bad person, just a little...complicated. He never intentionally hurt anyone, and he loved the Fergus Stables no less than Walton. He would never deliberately squander its chances of success. He would sooner retire from motor racing himself than jeopardize the Stables. So if he was stalling, he probably sincerely and honestly believed that his condition was not serious, or that he would be able to deal with it. After all, seeing the problem himself, he approached Larissa, a psychologist as it were, for help. And Larissa believed that his condition was not that serious and gave them both hope.

Had Karl made a serious mistake by forcing Steve into this race? If instead of overcoming his fear, Karl made Steve sink deeper... What a horrible, horrifying thought!

"Should I then withdraw my order for him to perform in the race?"

This time Larissa thought even longer.

"No. The command has already been given and Steve is now facing it. We should both be watching him. Your order may or may not make his condition worse. It may help him. It is a very individual matter. We need to wait to see the effects your command will have on him. Let’s see how Steve will behave, whether he will actually start getting panic attacks, whether your command will motivate him. If he actually starts to panic, withdraw him calmly, without undue criticism. Steve is extremely talented and I believe in him. Send him on vacation and that’s it. But Steve might as well break through and ride like a fiend. We have a fifty out of fifty percent chance."

Karl was actually almost completely reassured by now, only...

"Larissa, you know there comes a point when I have to plan for next season. I have to plan to hire the kind of drivers that will give our stable a win. You know what’s at stake, you are, after all, from the house of Fergus. So as someone who almost grew up on the racetrack, do you think Steve, after all he’s been through, has a chance to be champion next season?"

Larissa was part of the Fergus household. She actually grew up on the racetrack. Ever since she was a child, she knew what the sport was all about and the specifics of being a race car driver and champion. She thought deeply and took an even deeper breath before opening her mouth to answer Karl...

***

"Steve, I talked to Karl today and..."

"You really want to talk about this now?" Paxton looked up at him, from so close that Martin could feel his hair on his forehead.

Steve had just cornered the hapless Martin, pinned him against the front door of his apartment, his hands blocking his escape. He liked to do that, and to Martin’s delight he did it often, because the younger driver loved that feeling when there was no escape from Paxton, when he was doomed to his mercy and disfavor.

Of course, Steve never did anything if Martin didn’t want to. The past, stemming from Paxton’s emotional problems, was redeemed and forgiven and he became a wonderful, caring lover for his partner. Yes, he liked to dominate, to entrap, but if Martin liked to be dominated by him, who could have any problem with that?

"I don’t want to," Martin admitted, "but I have to. It’s been on my mind for hours and I can’t seem to relax properly..."

Paxton smirked at the top of his head and pushed himself away from the wall. Walking toward the interior of the small apartment, he began to remove his jacket. He unceremoniously threw it on a chair, then headed for the refrigerator, from where he took out a can of cold, carbonated soda.

"You want one too?" he offered, waving the other can in front of Martin.

His partner shook his head.

Steve closed the fridge, opened the can and sat down on the bed. He took a few sips and said.

"Sorry, I really wanted you to finish this season on the track. To me, he’s already lost anyway, so... I really wanted you to be able to show your best as a driver by the end. Now I know that someone could have read it differently. As my avoidance."

Martin looked at him listening intently, but downplaying the love that was between them, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it really was an avoidance. Though perhaps not entirely conscious. Because consciously Steve would never want to use him, of that Martin was convinced. Paxton really believed in what he was doing and really wanted Martin to end this season in glory.

"Steve, what would you say if we held our own internal competition?" Martin crouched down by Paxton’s knees.

"Internal?"

"Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. You want to compete with me on the track. I’d really like to do that too. Only one of us can go in this last competition, and I’m glad it’s going to be you, I really am, but if it were me, you, and Don going at the last practice before the competition...?"