Race With a Heart
Chapter 202: It Was a Long Goodbye

Chapter 202: It Was a Long Goodbye

Martin looked up at Karl with a weary look.

"Why do you say it’s because I love him? Does Steve not want my love, so he left without saying a word?"

Walton stared at the boy and he had the impression that the boy was really suffering. It didn’t surprise him at all. Although Karl still didn’t quite accept Steve’s relationship with this young mechanic - almost now a driver - he couldn’t deny that Martin had a real, sincere affection for Paxton. Karl couldn’t help but respect him for that.

He sighed and sat down next to Martin.

"I’ve known Steve for years," he explained. "I knew him long before Hannah’s accident. He was never too close to people. He never had many friends. Contrary to his image in the media, Steve is shy and he doesn’t like people worrying about him. If he thinks he is becoming a burden to someone, the more he likes someone, the more he tries to isolate himself from that person. At least until it is no longer a burden. And he loves you very much."

"But he is not a burden ..."

"Martin, if you broke both your legs and had to use the help of others to use the toilet, would you be comfortable with that?"

"No, but..."

"There is no ’but’," Karl interrupted matter-of-factly. "It’s exactly the same. Steve now feels weak as if he has just become a cripple and refuses to burden someone he loves with the burden he has become."

"But he burdens you, isn’t it?"

"I am not you, Martin. I am not his love, but only a friend."

Walton felt sadness and bitterness as he spoke the words. Yes, he was nothing more than a friend to Paxton.

"I envy you Steve let you go where he doesn’t want me," sighed Martin.

There was a certain truth in what the boy said. In fact, Karl had access to certain parts of Paxton’s life that he hid from Martin. In a way, Karl really was closer to Steve than Martin. They did not share eroticism, but it was Walton who was the first person to whom a worried driver approached with his problem. This meant that Karl was completely trusted by Steve.

This awareness filled Walton with new warmth. Yes, he was still important to Paxton, he was still close to him. Steve still knew he could count on him, and he was counting on Karl.

"It’s because we’ve known each other long and ... deeply," Karl announced, not wanting to stress the boy, but feeling genuine satisfaction. After all, Karl was Paxton’s first homoerotic experience, and it is said that the first time is never forgotten. And if someone still trusts their ex, there is a really deep emotional bond between them. But you couldn’t pretend there was no difference between an ex and current partner. Walton knew his place perfectly well.

"Also, don’t forget that I’m sort of like his boss. Steve had to report to me that he would not be allowed to race and he had to tell me why. After all, my duty is to take care of the entire stable."

"Yes, that’s right," agreed the boy. "Where did Steve go?"

"To Japan."

"To ... Japan?" Martin was honestly surprised.

"Professor Yamashiro Shinosuke is an outstanding audiologist dealing not only with hearing, but above all with the nerve connection of the middle ear with the brain. Larissa says some of his theories have been very bold and could prove groundbreaking."

"But why didn’t he tell me anything? Why didn’t he say goodbye to me?"

Martin looked down. He seemed to be scolded and thrown out of the door like a puppy who understands that he has done something wrong, but doesn’t understand what.

Karl felt sorry for him. He put a hand on his shoulder.

"Because he loves you too much. He was afraid that when he looked into your eyes, he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to you. He wasn’t ready to share everything with you yet, especially since he isn’t ready to accept reality himself."

Martin sighed heavily.

"I miss him already. I would like to be next to him now."

"He knows it, but no one knows how long the examination will take, and if Professor Yamashiro finds a treatment, Steve might spend some time abroad. You, on the other hand, must focus on the next race."

"I?" Martin asked, surprised.

"You’ve done better than Don and Steve isn’t back on the track yet. Wouldn’t it be perfect if you would replace him for this time?"

"I don’t know," Martin shook his head. "When I think of Steve ..."

"If you want to help him, if you really want to help him, let him focus all his attention solely on the treatment. Don’t make him worry about you and the stable. If you take these fears away from him, Steve will be calmer."

"Yes," Martin admitted, and there was a definite expression in his face. "You are right."

***

Martin tried to stay positive. He tried hard, but he couldn’t hold back tears or the painful realization that he had been abandoned.

It was irrational, it was stupid, but the heart wouldn’t listen to reason. Reason knew, understood that Steve was now facing a very difficult situation and had to deal with it as best he could, but his heart reproached him that he had excluded Martin from it. Reason accepted that Steve was having a hard time now, but his heart could not accept the fact that when the difficulty arose, Steve took Martin aside.

Of course, Martin understood, accepted, but... suffered. He wasn’t someone to be protected. He was not a child or a defenseless woman or a broken life and diseases old man. Martin was a young, strong man who would be able to bear the burden of the responsibility of supporting the man he loves on his shoulders. Martin was not some useless garbage, not even recyclable, but a man ...

Or maybe he was trash, maybe he wasn’t a man ...

No no no! It’s not like Steve walked away without saying a word, that he abandoned him as if he were just a thing, and when troubles came in his life, he just kicked Martin out. All the sex they had when Martin finished the race was one long goodbye. A farewell engraved on Martin’s body and heart.

The boy took a deep breath.

Yes, exactly. Steve was acting weird because he was sad. He knew he had to leave, but he couldn’t say goodbye to Martin that normally. Perhaps he was afraid of questions that he knew he would not be able to answer? Maybe he was afraid that Martin would try to stop him, or that he would want to go with him, when neither was possible? Maybe he was afraid that Martin would cry like he is now - okay, Martin wasn’t crying, he just had moist eyes, that’s a big difference - and Steve wouldn’t have the heart to leave him? Whatever the reason Paxton hadn’t told him about the planned departure, every kiss the driver placed on Martin’s body, every touch of his hands, every word and every thrust he made within him was a passionate goodbye on his part. Maybe Steve couldn’t say "I have to go and leave you for a while," but he was surely very convincingly asking Martin not to forget him. And since he had asked Martin to remember him, it probably meant that they were going to be away for a while. So Paxton was hinting to him that they wouldn’t be together for a few days, only Martin, too busy with his pleasure, couldn’t see it. Meanwhile, Steve really suffered because he had to leave him because each of his ’I love you’ was full of desperation.

It will only be a few days. There is nothing to fuss about. There is nothing to cry about. Steve’s gone to get tests and maybe treatment. Martin stayed to fulfill his duties as the third (now second?) driver of the Fergus Stables. These are just a few days that they will spend away from each other and each will focus on their own tasks.

But why did Martin miss Steve so much now?

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