Race With a Heart
Chapter 189: Love is Really Strange

Chapter 189: Love is Really Strange

The confidence claims were greatly exaggerated, however, and Martin felt terribly nervous. The mere thought of becoming a professional for just one day terrified him so much that he found it difficult to breathe at times. But what is not done for love?

Love is really strange, thought Martin. He also noticed that although everything is called love, there are many concepts under this term. It was as if there were so many kinds of love, but people for some reason did not distinguish between them and called everything the same. They only added adjectives, such as ’parental’ or ’romantic’. But on his example, Martin knew it wasn’t that simple.

For example, he absolutely couldn’t define what the difference was between how he loved Steve before they had sex, how he loved him at the very beginning of their intimate relationship and now, but he sensed otherwise. In the early days it was like a fascination or infatuation, but now there was a real, sincere depth to Martin’s feelings. The boy was always ready to make sacrifices for Steve, to step into the fire for him, but now it would not even be a sacrifice on his part, but a completely natural act.

Therefore, despite his great fear, he decided to take part in the race.

"You don’t have to argue about me anymore," Martin told his younger colleagues at the auto repair shop as soon as he left Teddy’s small office. The boys were so absorbed in the discussion that they didn’t seem to notice at all that he was gone for a while. "I will take part in the race."

"Really?" Sid was pleased. Standing next to the car he and Dave were repairing. His colleague did the same.

"Yes. Hope not to embarrass you, but knock it off, don’t boast that you know me, so that your schoolmates won’t laugh at you if I turn out to be hopeless."

"Who could brag about such an acquaintance," Dave muttered.

"Don’t lie, I know you’ve already boasted to everyone, that you know Martin and Jack. I think the whole school knows about it."

"And who says. You even show the pictures."

Martin was just joking about this bragging. He didn’t think the boys actually told their friends that they knew him. After all, there was nothing to brag about. Besides, of course, Martin was officially introduced a long time ago as the new backup driver for Paxton’s recovery, and has been sort of a public figure ever since. He wasn’t very well known yet, but this weekend a coffee commercial featuring him and Steve, which they filmed last week, was to be released.

Anyway, it was not so bad to hear that colleagues praise him with their friends, but with this awareness, there was also additional pressure.

"In any case, don’t get too big of your expectations. You know very well that I am an amateur and although I have trained a lot recently, I still have too little experience."

Two weeks have passed since Martin promised Steve he would enter the competition, that is, since they went out of town together. During this time, Martin underwent intense physical and mental training, preparing him for the start.

The information that Martin would get a chance was made public only after Don’s second start. Alston did better and did not lose his tenth position he won in qualifying. He had received praise from Allen and even Karl, so people were surprised that he would suddenly be replaced by Martin, but Don himself didn’t seem to have a problem with that. He said Paxton would be back on track anyway, so why bother with one race? He got a chance, so why shouldn’t Martin get it?

Don’s mature approach surprised everyone and made Jack very happy. Lambert, after finding his brother, was beaming all over and was almost singing from joy. He treated Alston with as much sympathy as he once (and now also) treated Martin, and there was probably no happier man in the whole country, and perhaps on the continent. Martin was very happy with his older colleague, and he didn’t mind Jack supporting Don. Anyway, Alston has really changed a lot.

Martin saw similar changes in Don as he had seen in himself, though not identical. It seemed that the man who introduced Alston to the world of male-male love was as special to him as Steve was to Martin. Alston might even love him.

Things went well in Fergus’ Stables and the conflicts stopped. Despite Steve’s exclusion from the competition due to his health, things were going quite well and everyone was enthusiastic about his expected return to the next race. The atmosphere was downright festive.

Martin, however, because he loved Steve and practically lived with him, he couldn’t get over his anxiety. It is said that the changes that are hardest to notice are the changes in the man you are with all the time, but Martin was so sensitive to any fluctuations around Paxton that he simply noticed these changes, even the tiniest of them. And he was very worried about them.

Steve, as promised, told the doctor about his tinnitus. The doctor decided that there could be many reasons - from hearing damage due to working in noise to a brain tumor. Noise-suppressing headphones did help, but sometimes one moment was enough to damage the auditory nerve because of noise. Such cases were rare, but they did happen. Steve also had an accident at the track and then this terrible beating, so he could have had brain damage as well. There were tests to be done.

So Paxton, although very reluctant, did the tests and waited for the results. He pretended he wasn’t worrying about it, but somewhere in his subconscious he was afraid of the worst. Who wouldn’t be afraid? Martin himself was almost dying to fear that it could in fact be life-threatening. If it were a brain tumor ...

For now, the doctor had prescribed him some medications to reduce tinnitus, but these didn’t help much, and Steve was really tired of the constant noise in his head. However, he never complained and asked Martin not to tell anyone anything. There is no point in worrying people if you don’t know how serious the matter really is. Maybe it’s just a trivial matter? Why spread anxiety when it could be no big deal?

Paxton, of course, was right.

So no one in the stable knew about Steve’s problem, even Karl. therefore everyone was very excited about his return to the track. Martin was also looking forward to this event.

"You definitely won’t be worse than Alston," Dave said, surprising Martin. "He doesn’t have that thing that makes a driver good."

This statement surprised Martin even more, as Dave echoed what Martin had already heard about Don from Steve’s mouth before. Could Dave have some instinct, a seventh sense when it comes to this sort of thing?

"And... I have?" he asked Dave uncertainly.

"Maybe you have" the boy felt embarrassed "Or maybe you don’t. I haven’t seen you drive, so I can’t tell. But I saw him on the track twice."

"And why do you think Don’s not fit?"

"He lacks composure. He drives nervously. This is not sports anger, it is a disagreement with the machine and track awareness."

"Wow, Dave, your observations are very insightful!" Martin praised him. "They’re really good!"

The boy felt embarrassed, but Sid beamed as if he had gotten the compliment.

Sid really likes Dave, Martin recalled. But due to a distressing previous experience, Dave is very prejudiced against any intimate relationship between men. Sid must have a very hard time loving a man who hates gays. Even so, Sid doesn’t complain, just enjoys every compliment Dave gets.

Martin didn’t know whether to cheer on Sid, because if the wound in Dave’s heart was too deep, wouldn’t the love of a friend who wanted their relationship a step further be too hard for Dave?

Again the question came to him about different kinds of love. It was so clear that Sid loved, but what was his love? If Sid had erotic desires for Dave, it wasn’t platonic, but if Dave couldn’t respond to his erotic desires, Sid’s love would be what? Unhappy? Condemned to suffering? Forced to become platonic?

The issues of the definition of love were so complicated that Martin was not at all surprised that people abandoned the idea of classifying this feeling in more detail.

Seeing Sid struggling with his love, Martin once again realized how lucky he was that the man he fell in love with was reciprocating him. There is probably nothing more terrible than unrequited love.

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