I Really Am A Villain
Ch. 9 - Zhuge Cuihua

After Zhang Zhongtian left, Xu Zimo and Lin Ruhu began prepping.

Boiling water, killing chickens, plucking feathers, preparing spices.

By the time Zhang Zhongtian returned, sneaking in with a large pile of spirit tree branches, the two had everything ready.

“What took you so long?” Xu Zimo asked curiously.

“I stayed to watch the drama,” Zhang Zhongtian chuckled. “Yesterday, the Second Grand Elder was caught peeking at female disciples bathing. To escape, he transformed into his senior disciple, Xiao Xinghe. Now the real Xiao Xinghe is being hunted down by every female disciple in the sect.”

“With a master like that, no wonder Senior Brother Xiao has such bad luck,” Lin Ruhu laughed.

Xu Zimo lit the spirit tree branches and set up the grill. One Alchemy Sage-Fowl was set for roasting.

The other was placed in a steaming pot along with side ingredients, Dragon Spirit Grass, Heavenheart Flower, and Invigorating Mint.

As the spirit wood burned, a light, fragrant scent wafted through the air. The water in the pot began to boil.

At that moment, maidservant Chunxiao walked over and said, “Young Master, the Lady Liao Ruyan, is here. She says she has business with you.”

Besides Xu Zimo and Zhang Zhongtian, two maids took care of daily life at his courtyard on South Goose Mountain, Chunxiao and Xiaqiu.

“Let her in,” Xu Zimo said.

Not long after, Liao Ruyan walked in, holding two Darksky Tiger cubs by the neck, one in each hand.

She dangled them like kittens, and the two little tigers had expressions of total despair.

“I’ve brought what I owed you,” Liao Ruyan said flatly. “We’re even now.”

Her eyes were red. She looked like she had just cried and seemed completely dejected.

“Who bullied you?” Lin Ruhu asked curiously.

“My two Alchemy Sage-Fowl chicks disappeared,” she said pitifully. “I was just playing with them yesterday…”

Lin Ruhu looked at the grill… then at the boiling pot… Then went silent and began staring at the sky.

Seeing that she was about to cry again, Xu Zimo sighed and said, “Ruyan, I used to think you were a wise and brilliant girl… But now I see you’re incredibly naive.”

“What do you mean?” Liao Ruyan asked with wide, innocent eyes.

“Every creature must walk its own path,” Xu Zimo said solemnly. “A chicken must die, whether roasted or steamed. But no matter how it dies, as long as it dies with purpose, with meaning, then its death was worth it. Do you understand?”

“Oh… I see,” Liao Ruyan nodded in confusion. “So I shouldn’t go looking for them?”

“A thousand times I searched for it, only to find the chicken where the lanterns fade.”

“Some things,” Xu Zimo sighed, “the more you chase them, the further they get. Stop looking, and maybe they’ll come to you on their own.”

Liao Ruyan nodded seriously. “I understand...”

…

“Ruhu, let’s split the tiger cubs, one each,” Xu Zimo said.

The Darksky Tigers were still tiny, no bigger than house cats. They even looked cat-like, except for the two thin, translucent wings on their backs.

Their fur was jet black with patterned stripes. Honestly, they were kind of adorable.

One cub was tumbling around playfully, showing off.

The other was savagely gnawing on Xu Zimo’s shoelace.

They say you can tell a creature’s future by how it acts as a child.

The one rolling around was clearly useless.

But the one chewing shoelaces? Fierce, aggressive, definitely going to grow into a terrifying mount.

So naturally, Xu Zimo picked the playful one.

Darksky Tiger Cub: …MMP (Chinese slang for “F**k my life”).

…

“Zimo, maybe you should name them?” Lin Ruhu suggested.

“As descendants of Imperial Meridian Beasts, they will one day carry the glory of their ancestors,” Xu Zimo said, gazing dramatically toward the sky.

“Their names will echo across the four seas, shake the stars, sweep across the eight directions.

So, their names must be bold and mighty. From this day forth, they shall be named… Zhuge Cuihua and Situ Goudan!”

Lin Ruhu: …

Liao Ruyan: …

Two Tiger Cubs: ????

“Brilliant! Just brilliant!” Lin Ruhu clapped after a brief pause.

“These names, though short and simple, are grammatically precise, elegantly structured, and rhythmically catchy. They perfectly express the namer’s deep affection and blessings toward these animals. Every word resonates, every syllable pierces the heart. Truly, the work of a literary master, effortlessly composed, outrageously creative. I’m in awe! And finishing with an exclamation mark? A masterstroke! It ties everything together, lifts the tone, and makes the emotion leap off the page. Moving. Poignant. Timeless. A true masterpiece of naming!”

When he finished, everyone stared at him like they’d just been slapped by a chicken.

“…Am I wrong?” Lin Ruhu asked, confused.

At that moment, Xu Zimo truly understood the phrase: With enough shamelessness, you become unbeatable.

“... Sure, you’re right,” everyone else muttered awkwardly.

…

Meanwhile, the roast chicken on the grill had turned golden and was crackling with fat.

Oil dripped off the skin as Xu Zimo hurried to sprinkle on the spices.

A rich, mouthwatering aroma filled the air, and the four of them unconsciously licked their lips.

“Oh right, Ruyan,” Xu Zimo asked, “feeling any better?”

“Much better,” she said, staring at the roast chicken as her stomach growled.

“Well, if you’ve got nothing else going on, maybe head out?” Lin Ruhu laughed nervously. “We’re kind of busy here…”

“It’s not like I’ve got anything to do,” Liao Ruyan said casually. “I haven’t eaten yet either. You don’t mind sharing, right?”

“…Are we even that close?” Lin Ruhu mumbled.

“If you don’t give me food, I’ll go report you to the Second Grand Elder,” Liao Ruyan huffed.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice, you’re burning Heaven-grade Spirit Tree branches. Only Seven-Star Celestial Flame Trees make sparks like that.”

“…Tsk. I have a temper, you know,” Xu Zimo stood up. “I don’t respond well to threats.

If you asked nicely, maybe I’d have let you stay. But you threaten me?”

He turned to Lin Ruhu: “Ruhu, close the gate, release Goudan and Cuihua.”