Divinity Rescue Corps
132- His Holy Guts

The town of Glumpdumpkin was still a wonder to behold: like a great big checkmark had sprouted buildings, mostly houses, but one large meeting hall and several other central buildings. It looked like some great creature with colossal wings had died here and turned to stone, and now the whole town was for some reason perched atop those huge wings.

Now, of course, it had attracted divine aspect Nakamamon. Our old friends Glimmerflies, Glowverns and Angellies were now swarming the place, just as they had with the God of Apparel. This had happened when the God of Productivity originally sickened and then died here, but they eventually fled. Now they were back, the Glimmerflies hanging in the air like fireflies, the Glowverns swooping up and around, and the Angellies slowly descending from the heavens looking wonderful and silly with their glowing white jellyfish bodies and their angel wings and halos. The tiny first stage ones, Glimmerwisps, created a galaxy of tiny glowing motes high above.

All shone with holy light in the deepening twilight, surrounding the town.

“Okay!” I called. “Steer clear. This is my job.” They all agreed, though reluctantly. Only Drat was ready with his agreement; he was keen to watch me get killed and possibly eaten.

We couldn’t tie it down because the ropes would burn with holy fire and infect the holder with divinity poisoning. Instead, Shakindria and I had discussed another plan. 

We didn’t even have to turn the corner before the giant’s head came into view.

“Shields!” I shouted.

Isabelle and Chrysta were there. While Shakindria lowered the cauldron to the ground, I grabbed the big wooden spoon and got a healthy dollop of gooey blue cure.

Administer Cure check 1 of 5:This check has fallen under the Physicality attribute due to your approach. You have Administer Cure at level 9, and Physicality at level 6. This check is Extreme. Would you like to spend 7 Tokens for an Automatic success?

Total Tokens: 6 Physicality and 7 Free Tokens

Nobody could make 7 successes on a check outside their class, not even with Physicality at level 12. It was my task alone.

I bellowed a war cry at the exact moment the God of Productivity fell to its knees and projectile vomited all over the place.

Before I could even move, two huge tower shields of blue energy slammed down in front of me and deflected the golden liquid. A silvery, glowing, two man cross cut saw slammed against the shield too, but went flipping directly back at the god and smacked Him in the forehead. All this courtesy of some telekinetic control by Shakindria.

For several long moments, a confused look passed over His face, as a saw some ten feet long slowly sank into his head. You have never had such a surreal experience in your life, until you’ve watched a divine being reincorporate a glowing saw blade back into its forehead inch by inch.

Now, Shakindria had been in telepathic control of a thing called an Alloyum, a golem made of metal, and it appeared at that moment, clutching at the God of Productivity. It was almost laughable how little good it did; the god stood, dangling from His neck before getting golden vomit all over it.

And that was the end of that. The Alloyum crashed to the ground near me, a smoking ruin of melting metal.

I dashed aside, succeeding my check with 7 successes, and plastered the goo on the top of the god’s head. I had to really reach, and I did slip on the puddle of metallic golden vomit, but Chrysta was floating there and wrenched back on me to keep me from going down.

“You’re a lifesaver,” I told her.

“Thank me later,” she whispered, “by pinning me to the floor and fucking me as hard as you can. With my hands tied behind my back.”

It was hard to know if she was just naturally kinky as hell, or ghost aspects were all like that. It wasn’t the time to delve into it.

Isabelle slammed into us the next moment, and got completely covered in godly vomit for her trouble. Her shield had already been dissolving, and was more of a buckler by this point when she got it full on side. Her HP plummeted.

“No!” Ivy shrieked.

I had divinity poisoning potions created, but threw on Mender’s Aura immediately anyway. 

“Come on,” Chrysta said. Larelle was already getting her own dose of divinity poisoning from dashing forward to grab Izzy.

“Get it… done,” Isabelle wheezed.

Shakindria floated the cauldron over to me, and I got another spoonful of the mana intense goop. The only good news in all this was that the first dose sort of froze Him in place. The god swayed drunkenly on His feet, reaching a slow hand up to touch where he’d been slathered.

I passed the next check to spread the paste all over the gigantic god’s chest, but failed on the next check to get some on its stomach. It retched and puked directly down on me the moment I stepped up to do the job. I was sprinting to get away, but a Physicality of 6 is not a Physicality above 10. Chrysta manifested yet another shield directly above us and tackled me aside yet again, getting some metallic gold stuff splashed on her legs in the process.

“You’ve… got this…” she wheezed.

***

I couldn’t appreciate the unearthly sight of holy Nakamamon creatures suspended in midair. A new type, a gigantic winged boar was zipping around through the sky with a heavenly chorus blaring from its body. I learned later that this was called Seraphig.

There was no time, because the twenty foot tall God of Productivity was continuously puking His holy guts out all over the cobbled streets of Glumpdumpkin, which produced a viscous metallic gold substance (and divine tools, which were literally His holy guts), while I tried like hell to splat him with mana realignment paste.

Not like hell. Bad turn of phrase.

As situations go, this was perhaps the most ridiculous to relate to someone who hadn’t been there.

“Oh, yeah, well, the tattooed God in the loincloth needed to take His medicine, but He wasn’t in His holy right mind. And every time He vomited I had to dodge away or get burned to a crisp by divine damage.”

Congratulations! You have succeeded in administering the cure (3 of 5).

I’d gotten him on the forehead. Now, when the god stood, His hand reached up to touch the blue-purple goop I’d placed there. He blinked several times in confusion, threw up again, then staggered and fell to His knees. The cure got on the cobblestones and not me, which was fortunate. The god wasn’t the only thing that could deal me a whole lot of damage in a very short period of time. You’ve got a big, potent, divine problem, you need a big, potent, magical cure.

The next check went without a hitch, and involved me essentially flinging the stuff off the spoon and landing it on the god’s stomach. Splat went the cure.

I chanced a look back and saw to my dismay that Isabelle was down to only about a quarter of her health. Larelle had also gotten hit, and was losing health rapidly as well. Chrysta was already afflicted, but now got hit again. Her ghostly, immaterial, incorporeal self didn’t help her here: the divinity poisoning ate into her health total rapidly.

The big problem was how to administer the cure to His holy testicles. First, they were covered by a holy loincloth that appeared to be made of fur but was just more divinity.

It was Token time. This time, when the check came, I spent my Tokens and watched all of my Physicality Tokens, and three of my Free ones, twinkle into being before disappearing.

Unlike with Affinity Tokens or Ingenuity Tokens, the mana infused my body. I felt the swelling in every single muscle in my body, like I’d just gotten some good pump from a series of heavy bench presses… but in every single muscle in my body.

So when I say I launched myself forward and slapped the huge wooden spoon up between His legs, it was the fastest and most agile I’ve ever been in my life, hands down. I ended up brushing against His holy knee at the same time, and fell in a puddle of His holy vomit a second later.

Congratulations! You have successfully cured a divine being.

I lay there, with divine energy beginning to soak into my body. This was, what… the fourth time I’d touched the divine? Each time it was excruciating. Each time it was sublime.

Sublime in both the good and bad ways: the most exalted and high, but also the sure knowledge that you’re going to die and that’s that.

The god froze. All the pain in my body stopped. I watched in agony as the purple sludge I’d slapped onto its different body parts seeped rapidly beneath the skin. There’d been a sort of golden, a metallic gold rimming its eyes and threading through tendrils over its face and head. Those were now gone.

It looked down at me, directly below its feet on the ground.

You have cured me, it said into my mind.

“Correct,” I groaned.

My demesne is that of work, healer. I know all that you have accomplished. Such trials and tribulations you have gone through in seeking out my scattered remnants, bringing me back to life, researching your goal, seeking after the components, crafting the cure, and now bringing it here to me. This effort is to be commended.

“You’re… welcome? Just… my friends helped a lot.”

The enormous form of the god leaned down, taking up my whole field of view. Then it reached up one gigantic finger and booped me gently on the nose.

[God of Productivity] appreciates your efforts in saving it. You have been gifted the boon of tools. You will always have the necessary tool for the job when engaged in the work of your Healer class. [God of Productivity] appreciates the efforts you and the people of Glumpdumpkin have made in concert, and individually. Your hard work is to be appreciated. Although disappointed in the lazy ones, [God of Productivity] sees that not all humans or Nakamamon are worthless freeloaders. [God of Productivity] has seen your effort and the difficulties you went through in crafting the cure, and has bestowed upon you +1 Physicality. You gain 1 Physicality Token.

When my vision cleared, I saw far more than I wanted to: the God of Productivity was squatting down over Isabelle’s prone form and giving her a little nose boop with one index finger that was nearly as big around as her wrist. And by squatting down I mean I got a full view of what was going on behind that holy loincloth.

I blinked and looked away from the holy hammer I’d witnessed there, trying not to shudder. Goodness gracious, I thought the gods were supposed to be genderless.

“How are we doing, everybody?” I called out.

“We’re good over here,” someone called. It was Regina, and she was with Ivy. I got a chorus of ‘okay’ and ‘all’s well’ from all participants, including an out-of-breath and stuttering Alan, who’d recovered the moment the god was cured, and raced out of bed, into town, and to where we were.

“Isabelle?” I asked. She was splayed out, arms and legs akimbo on the ground, still staring up at the sky. “Status report?”

“I’m okay,” she said, unconvincingly.

We’d address that ball of wax soon enough. First though, I had several UI messages to plow through: divinity poisoning, damage taken after Divine Resistance checks and such, and then this little gem.

Achievement: first large god encountered

Of course they’re big, they’re gods! Really takes the definition of the word up a notch when you’ve seen one this big with your own eyes. A healthy one anyway, in command of its faculties.

Reward: +1 Free Stat level

I grinned. First large god encountered? I guessed the gigantic lake dragon that carried us out to Slinktrickle didn’t count, then? Then again, looking back though my achievements, I saw that there’d been one for a huge god. Amusing that I should get a huge god before a large one.

I put the stat level into Affinity. A lot of my spellcasting was down to Affinity now, and the Healer stuff as well. I was pleased that my stats were well-rounded. The others had serious deficiencies, though they had spikes where their main stats and secondaries got over 10.

The other result of the cure was that I’d leveled up in Arcane Mender. The UI message came up, along with the notification of the level up benefits I’d be receiving.

Level 29: Ability Upgrades: Verdant Rejuvenation. +6 skill points

First, I needed to head over to my special ability to see how it had progressed.

Verdant Rejuvenation III

(Special Ability, uncommon, passive)

Herbs and plants harvested by you and stored by you will last twice as long as normal.

I- By placing cuttings of plants in the soil, watering and tending them, they will sprout if they remain within half a mile of your location over the course of 18 hours.

II- By placing cuttings of plants together in an enclosed space and tending them they will sprout a hybrid plant if they remain within half a mile of your location over the course of 48 hours. Hybrids may not be bred with other hybrids.

III- Plants you have tended and grown personally have enhanced recuperative properties, and grow 33% larger than ordinary plants of their species.

That sounded amazing. I know, compared to the video games I’d played, where you’d get a gravity bomb that dealt incredible damage because nobody had resistances to it, that ‘grow plants good’ sounded pretty lame. On the other hand, my potions would heal more hit points and mana points. They would beat back the poisons more effectively. Also, the idea of having even bigger flamboyant flowers was intoxicating. Lotus flowers were huge, and growing even bigger ones was ridiculously exciting. Sundrinkers were likewise fat round satellite dishes of soaking up sunlight, and having them be even bigger filled me with joy. I wanted one so big I could pretend to be an insect and laze away on it. I wanted a forest of eight foot tall, eight inch wide irises, and super fragrant jasmine flowers, and even bigger, weirder passionflowers.

In fact, I could create hybrids… I immediately planned to hybridize the passionflowers with everything available because they were weird, and I wanted the weirdest possible.

We were all fine, as it turned out. Larelle, Chrysta, Isabelle and even Regina had all gotten some divinity poisoning, but that all vanished the moment I finalized slapping this big guy on the taint and getting him cured in all the necessary chakra spots. Yep, the job can be dangerous. And yep, the job can be gross. However, as I watched a god straighten and turn a warm smile my way, I knew it was totally worth it, even if I had been forced to grease His holy ballsack and then see His holy nethers just a few minutes afterwards.

I gave a weak chuckle and spent my skill points.

This level was going towards the base skills, which I’d been neglecting for a while. Diagnosis needed more. I’d gotten lucky with the God of Productivity. If it had more than a magical ailment, there would be even more to do now, and I wasn’t sure if it would’ve been possible with the level of divinity poisoning half my team had gotten in such a short time.

A feeling of lightness had come over the team. Save for Trent, who seemed to have a never ending supply of work to be done, everyone was beaming and throwing fists in the air.

Muppin lumbered up the streets carrying Trent and Cinzy with Tweedle Dee and Airaconda following along.

Dancing followed in the streets. The Nakamamon who lived in this place all surged in, cheering and dancing and singing. It was like straight out of the weirdest anime movies you’ve ever seen: weird frogs and weird giraffes and weird orange blobs of slime and living shrubs and rabbits made out of pure darkness and such all boosting us onto their shoulders and shoulder-adjacent regions, and began parading us around.

Except Muppin, who might have had a special ability for immovability. Muppin simply lumbered on around the town with tiny Nakama-kids seated on his back.

We were taken up to the pinnacle of the town, which was at least fifty feet in the air and possibly higher, turned around, and taken all the way to the pinnacle of the other side, slightly lower but still a long drop. Some flying Nakamamon launched themselves off the edges and glided along, singing and shouting, before returning to the town. As for me, my feet never touched the ground in the entire hour-long march around the streets. It was quite some time before we stopped jumping around, accepting flights on the backs of some townsfolk, or dancing in the group of literal thousands.

Because in addition to the townsfolk, several hundred immigrants had come as well, drawn by the holy power gone wrong. They were also in attendance, singing and dancing and congratulating, and also throwing elemental blasts up in the air every which way.

Once we’d all gathered up around the campfire, I asked the most pressing question on my mind:

“I am aware that we are way over the regular two month time limit before heading home on two weeks of rest and relaxation. With that in mind, I assume there will be further celebration in the town and people will attempt to get back to normal. So my question to all of you is whether you would like to pull up stakes and head back to HQ for a debrief, followed immediately by rest and relaxation on earth, or if we will be sucking around here for a short time. For this, I am happy to take a vote. And this will include our bond mates.”

Drat coughed into his hand. Then he also said the following words: “Cough, unfair, cough!” Followed by another couple of regular coughs that weren’t him speaking aloud.

“You just said ‘cough’ and then unfair, and then ‘cough again,” Cinzy noted drily.

Drat blinked at her innocently.

The assembled members, including Airaconda, Tweedle Dee, Fairy Poppins, Garnet, Muppin, McCauley Skulkins, Vellenia, and Shakindria all started to discuss the matter. Poppins and Cinzy communicated however they did, as did Isabelle and Muppin. She put her head against the great stone face of her hippo-sized Nakamamon bond mate.

I approached, and gave Muppin a scritching in one of the spots I knew he liked. “How are you doing?”

She looked to me, a complicated mix of emotions all vying for space on her face. “Oh, you know… feeling betrayed.”

“Understandable. Though nothing happened. I removed the possibility of that by leaving.”

She chewed her lip and peered out into the distance. “It’s not me she wants though, Fletcher. She showed me that.”

“I feel it necessary to add that you, however, came and tested me out once upon a time, in my tent. After dark.”

She looked abashed.

“You two have a lot of fun, you have chemistry. You seem good together… except for a few inches of flesh.” I grinned apologetically. “I recall you both professing your love for one another.”

She winced and frowned.

“Right, boo?”

She snorted laughter. “Shut up.”

After Isabelle departed with her thoughts and her decision, I turned back to my character sheet.

For skill points, the choices were easy. Now that Diagnostics and Treatments were just one point each, I put one in each. I put another into Transmutation, since I’d already used that one several times. Another went into Develop Cure for Medium, another for Huge, and finally, one more for Develop Cure (Human).

“I can’t believe there’s one for human,” I told myself.

Christopher Fletcher

Healer - Apprentice Arcane Mender 29

Pleasure Seeker - Initiate Indulgent Consort 26

Attributes:

Affinity 9

Durability 6

Ingenuity 9

Likability 7

Physicality 8

Free Tokens 7

Healer (Arcane Mender) Skills:

Diagnostics 6

Treatments 6

Develop cure (swarm 5, small 6, medium 6, large 6, huge 2)

Develop cure (unique) 9

Develop cure (human) 2

Administer Cure 9

Instinctual Casting 8

Mana Affinity 3

Mana Shaping 3

Spellcasting (Abjuration 1, Conjuration 1, Evocation 1, Transmutation 3)

Meditation 4

Pleasure Seeker Qualities:

Girth 2

Load 1

Stave Off 3

Length 4

Tongue 3

Adaptability 7

Pheromones 4

Group Play 2

Other Skills:

Identify 5

Hiking 3

Cooking 1

Persuasion 1

Divine Resistance 9

Stealth 1

This is Christopher getting closer to his ultimate goal.