Divinity Rescue Corps
96- Hitting The Road

You know how you only see people at work, in their work clothes, and you see a certain version of them that’s not the whole truth? Like, Cheryl from accounting always has those sweater vests on, and she always has those cute earrings and absolute tons of makeup. She’s pungent with the overwhelming scent of perfume, and she has a smile for everyone.

And then one day you’re out at a state park, digging the serenity of nature with your significant other, and who should you run into but Cheryl. Except, it’s hardly Cheryl at all. You barely recognize her. Where’s the makeup? Where’s the perfume? She had only ever worn those sweaters (cardigans in the summer, thicker vests in cooler weather), but now here she is wearing a tank top that shows off a sliver of a belly you have literally never seen before. And never thought you’d see, for that matter, since you have a significant other. She has on form-fitting yoga pants and a backpack stuffed with easily forty pounds of gear. Rather than those spotless conservative heels, she has on rugged hiking boots, caked with mud. You’ve never seen her without a pen or a clipboard in her hand, and now she has those walking sticks.

And you think: what in the world is happening right now?

That’s how it was having the girls on earth.

Possibly the weirdest thing about having the Divinity Rescue Corps girls on earth was sharing a full size rental van with them, and having them not wear leather armor and such.

Now, it wasn’t a case of them dressing differently, though they did, it was a case of seeing plain old humans interact with plain old earth stuff: the vending machines, the guy at the gas station counter, the waitresses, and of course all the young men trying to hit on them.

And also having them sing pop songs.

There is something odd about going to another world, and returning months later. The first thing that happens is that the world both moves on and stays exactly as you remembered it. Most of the buildings and people are in the same places. The cars look like the cars that left. Clouds? Check. Trees, forests, mountains, fields of corn and wheat? Check, check, check.

But there are new movies out. New songs on the radio. New insane shizz happening in the halls of power that people are talking about. This celebrity has appeared out of nowhere, their rise a surprise explosion, like a volcano suddenly erupting. This celebrity has died, or worse, their name has been tarnished by some wacky or awful scandal, and they’ve retreated back into the shadows.

This guy has been elected president while you’ve been gone, Christopher. Remember the old boss? Oh yeah, he’s back.

Cinzy desperately wanted to sing the entire catalogue of Genera Pops, which Ivy put to death the moment we took a pee break. With Ivy in the pilot’s seat and Isabelle running copilot, we got the rock stations and the occasional rap station. With Regina driving, she demanded something lighter, so Tara put on the oldies station.

All of them laughed at me for singing along to all my dad’s favorite music, and some ribbing ensued. Ivy and Tara only made fun of me until I started singing more loudly. That was when Cinzy got involved, and boy could she sing.

I don’t know what special ability Cinzy used to harmonize with me, or make me sound better, but suddenly we were sounding better than the singers on the radio. Then the laughter turned to astonished—and dare I say horny—giggles.

With me in the pilot’s chair and my mom copiloting, she turned the music down and we went over the entirety of the last six months from five different perspectives.

“Yeah I’d been working the portal noobs for about three months before Fletcher came through,” Regina said. “They were really cutting down on the number of new hires coming through at the same time. Fletcher was the first single send we had.”

“Oh? Why is that?” my adorable mother asked.

“Uhh…” Regina started.

It was because the other cohorts were all flinging aside any sense of propriety and normality, and flinging their clothes off at the same time. The new world was exciting, and all these young people in the same place, and with magically enhanced bodies involved, it felt like Vegas. Everyone was just getting their freak on with any and everyone who was game.

“There were no rules and no restrictions, no parents looking over their shoulders,” I said.

“Also they could enhance their bodies by pumping up Physicality,” Ivy said.

“And Likability,” Cinzy chimed in.

“Which was how we ended up with so many Guardians,” Ivy said.

“And Bards!” Cinzy added. And Sorcerers too, since for some odd reason Sorcerers relied heavily on Likability and Affinity.

Which begged the question of what Ivy had looked like before coming to the other world. Or the rest of them, for that matter.

“Oh,” my mom said. She knew. She had figured out my reasons for coming home after six months, she had figured out why I told her the whole story: me entering a new world of magic and fantastical beasties, me taking on the role of Healer, me helping in my basic training with the healing of a minor god called the God of Footfalls. She knew about the task force I’d been given leave to create, how I’d come to select the ten members of the Divinity Rescue Corps, of which these five ladies were only half the members.

“Don’t be so blunt about it!” Regina said, wide-eyed.

“What, you think us old folks have never had sex?” my mom joked.

“You’re not supposed to say the s-word with your son in earshot,” I grumbled.

“How do you think I made Christopher?” my mother asked. “He wasn’t a virgin birth, let me tell you.”

“Mooooom! Quit that.” No one likes to be reminded that their mom… forks.

“His father was a real hunk,” she said, putting her hand up against her cheek like that would prevent me from hearing. “Still is, if I’m being honest.”

All the girls were laughing, watching me squirm. I gave my mom the side eye but let her have her fun. It was honestly the best two weeks of my life on earth, being pain free and giving my family the good feels. I could withstand some harmless fun at my expense.

“Okay so I have to know… what happened with Fairy Poppins once you came back to the team?”

“Ohhhhhhh!” the rest of the girls said in sync.

“Oh… is it bad? Something terrible happens to Fairy Poppins?”

“No she’s fine,” Cinzy grumbled, folding her arms over her spectacular chest. “Everything’s fine. We’re fine.”

***

I don’t know if you know this, but the word ‘fine’ when used by a woman indicates the situation is anything but fine. It actually means the situation is a fracking catastrophe, and God help you if you are that girl’s boyfriend or husband.

Cinzy and I did indeed return to a joyful reunion with the remainder of the team. Drat was nowhere to be found, which was for the best. I wanted to violate the no violence rule right about now, and give him a piece of my mind. And my fist.

Fairy Poppins had been put on night’s watch duty over the last month or so, and was a stalwart companion at her task. She’d refused any of the others when they offered to take her place, instead dancing around in the air like a ballerina, trailing streamers of fairy dust in her wake. She slept most mornings through either in my laboratory on a small cushion Alan had devised, or just settled in on my pillow like it was a swimming-pool-sized bed.

She had been close to me ever since Cinzy showed up.

So when Cinzy returned from our extended absence, it was a blow up of epic proportions. Epic for Fairy Poppins because the little fairy was only about five inches tall. Epic for Cinzy because she spent the whole time in conversation with something we couldn’t hear or understand. It was just like watching a schizophrenic—or a child for that matter—have a conversation with an imaginary friend.

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going to apologize to you!” Cinzy could be heard shouting from far off. “Well yes! Yes! If it means getting through to you, I will call you crazy. You can’t, okay? You can’t. It’s just not going to work. You can’t. I’m sorry you can’t, but you can’t.”

And what was it Fairy Poppins wanted to do? None of us had any idea. Even Drat couldn’t figure it out… or he refused to tell me.

The two of them had developed something of a friendship during the Blake Situation. Sometimes I’d see them walking along the edge of the town, talking. Sometimes she’d stop and cry, and he would stand there awkwardly, staring at her. They never touched. Drat wasn’t that kind of person.

And the fighting went on day after day.

“How long are we gonna do this?” Cinzy would demand. “Forever? Well we’re fracking bonded, so tell me how you think this is gonna work, okay?”

And it would make no sense to me, or Vellenia, or Ivy or Isabelle.

Isabelle had a thing about daily scrubbings. Her Nakamamon Muppin was a gentle giant who stood guard over the entrance to Glumpdumpkin and accepted all scratches from all interested parties. Vellenia had taken to this, scratching at every inch of Muppin she could reach. Behind the ears? Check. Behind the spiky echidna-like plates? Check. On the belly? You better believe it. I’d head out of the lab after healing up a minor god, or come back from town with Tara or Regina in tow, and find Vellenia on her back in the dirt, scratching at Muppin’s belly with both hands and feet. I’d find Muppin rolled  over on her side with Vellenia just raking her fingers down all six feet of exposed rock belly. I’d find Vellenia seated on a special saddle Izzy had made, reaching forward or back to get the very top plates nobody but Larelle could easily reach.

“We’re totally in sync,” Isabelle said. “I don’t know why anyone would fight with their bond.”

“Actually that leads to a question I’ve had for a while,” I said, and turned to Ivy.

“Ohhhh no, no you don’t,” she said, holding out her hands to ward off the question. “I’m not a pet person.”

I gestured over toward Vellenia, eyebrow raised.

“I’m also not a… I’m in a relationship! I don’t need a butt buddy.” The last part was hissed out in a whisper.

I continued to raise my eyebrow, but this time made sure Ivy knew just how much that pissed me off. She wasted no time apologizing.

“I didn’t mean that,” Ivy said. “My apologies.”

“Thanks,” I said. “She’s a delight. She listens and helps. She’s getting really good at identifying the herbs and flowers I need at any time.

“Look, I get it!” Cinzy was shouting from a good ways off. “I get it! And I’m sorry! We want the same thing. But, you know, life isn’t fair sometimes.”

The tiny ball of light in the distance that was Fairy Poppins must have said something that Cinzy didn’t like, because the Bard threw her hands in the air.

“I’m sorrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee,” she said, not sounding sorry any longer. It was the third day of trying to confront her bond, and her patience had run dry. With both hands slapped against her face, she drew them slowly down until the gross red bits under her eyeballs were visible. “Ugh! You’re impossible!”

She stalked off, again.

Isabelle and Ivy chuckled over it. I was starting to get the impression the situation was less jokey and more serious than we’d first imagined.

Now here’s the other thing: the bonding of Nakamamon is one of those ‘you’ll know it when you do it’ sorts of trainings, like throwing you into the deep end and watching you flail or begin to drown. I was given zero explanation aside from ‘you can bond starting at level 12’. No ideas on which might be the proper Nakamamon to bond, how to tell if one could be bonded, the bonding process, none of that. Thankfully I’d had a sentient one ask me for the honor, then show me how it was done. After that, she had gained some powers off me, and I had gained some powers off her.

I had used Dazzle on Blake’s second in command to attempt to hypnotize him, only to have him power through it by spending a plethora of Tokens. In one way, it was extremely useful. Tokens represented the potential to do amazing things. They were literally magic stored in your body. I had also used the water breathing power to help search for remnants of the God of Apparel. I was rather enjoying the bonuses it gave me, though they hadn’t come up much. More than that, I was rather enjoying the presence. Vellenia offered physical touch, something I was really enjoying, good humor, which I enjoyed almost more, a positive and inquisitive attitude toward the world outside of her home village. All these were wonderful.

There was the sex. That was nice. Nobody else had a bonded companion they could fool around with.

All those things aside, there was still a lot about bonding and bonded companions none of us knew. I didn’t know if the bond could level up, if it could be increased. I didn’t know if the abilities from the bond could level up. I wasn’t even sure if Vellenia was going to stay in her Marshin form, or transform into a Marshmellow. That would make things difficult, since they were essentially mermaids.

Most of all, I wasn’t sure what happened when you and your companion Nakamamon had a clash like Cinzy was experiencing.

“That,” Ivy told me later,” is one of the reasons I’m not about to go hunting for a pet.”

“They’re not pets,” I told her. Fairy Poppins wasn’t a pet. On the other hand, Tweedle Dee was sort of a pet. He sort of wasn’t. The little flower fox surely acted like a pet at times. Garnet wasn’t a pet… he was some kind of power amplifier for Trent in a way I didn’t understand. I wasn’t a Sorcerer. I wasn’t about to become one, either.

Still… it appeared as though I might have a secondary healing mission to undertake, and thankfully I had the tools to do it. Fairy Poppins was a humanoid Nakamamon, meaning that my Beast Talker ability only gave me a +2 bonus to all attributes and skills when interacting with her, but it was a much better bonus than zero, which was what most everybody else had. Understanding Nakamamon and the bond was important. I had to figure out how important.

This was another situation that would play itself out given time. I was advancing in level, both as a Healer and as a Pleasure Seeker, and that meant Beast Talker would also progress in level. I just needed to cultivate the power, stay alert, and hopefully we could heal whatever rift had opened between Cinzy and her bond.

This is Christopher banking on optimism and the old adage that time heals all wounds.