Burning The House Of Cards: taking revenge on my billionaire family
Chapter 44 - 43. Undeserving Indulgence

Chapter 44: Chapter 43. Undeserving Indulgence

Just.

Hearing it like that, Sarah realized how ridiculous it was.

If someone could make her stay with her mother, even just one day? She would throw herself at that person, that entity, bowing until her knees buckled and her forehead bled.

"Thanks to you, she can go peacefully with laughter after spending three more years in this world," Hajin said gently, still wiping Sarah’s tears with her calloused hand. "Thanks to you, I don’t have to live being plagued with nightmares out of guilt."

Something that, unfortunately, Sarah was still afflicted with.

"It wasn’t ’just’, Lee Seul-ah," Hajin said firmly, even though he knew Sarah could no longer see it as such.

The stuttered breath that Sarah let out was enough proof.

"If it wasn’t for you, I’d live like a walking corpse--empty, without any goal, without a care in the world," Hajin continued, and Sarah couldn’t pretend she didn’t know because she saw it already; the Ryu Hajin that only moved to fulfill his duty, almost like an unfeeling robot. "I might not be able to contain my violent tendencies, and that violence might point at me in the end, killing myself."

Sarah bit her lips again because she couldn’t help but think about it. She knew Hajin disappeared from the mansion one day, and she still had no idea what happened to the man then. What if...

What if he didn’t disappear but...die? Whether it was during a mission, or he was getting too numb and just pulled the trigger of his own gun...

Hajin rubbed the bitten lips softly, forcing Sarah to stop making it bleed. He looked into the moist black eyes as he held the girl’s trembling hands.

"This Ryu Hajin in front of you is only here because of you, Lee Seul-ah," he said clearly, with a pair of sharp, sincere eyes that drove any lingering suspicion in Sarah’s heart. "So you can have him in whatever way you want."

As if that clear gaze wasn’t enough, Hajin brought Sarah’s hand to his chest, where she could feel the loudly beating heart. As loud as someone making a lifetime confession.

"You can use me as a tool, you can throw me into a rain of bullets, or play with my heart all you want," Hajin rekindled his oath, the one he uttered with blazing fire behind them. "I will never betray you, for I am yours to begin with."

Sarah pressed her trembling lips; her shaking eyes reflected the tumultuous condition of her heart.

"I won’t ask for your heart, I won’t demand it from you. Just..." Hajin exhaled slowly, smiling in resignation. "Let me be by your side," he said rather weakly, almost like pleading. "You are my reason to live, you are my oxygen, so please...don’t discard me."

Heavy. It was so heavy. Was someone like her...someone filthy like her...had the right to wield power over someone’s life like this? Sarah lowered her head and closed her eyes tightly.

"Don’t think too much about it," Hajin tightened his grip on the hands over his chest. "I’m doing it because I want to, because I have a debt to pay. You don’t have to feel burdened about it."

Sarah frowned. How could he say that? Throwing one’s own life for someone else just like that, as if...as if...

Could she truly devote herself to that person if she were in his position? Even if she felt so indebted, would she be able to do anything for them?

Hajin loosened his grip on Sarah’s hand and chuckled softly. "My mother believed people were meant to be owned, to be enslaved by something."

"What?" Sarah opened her eyes and looked up, the frown getting deeper between her brows.

"By money, by ideologies, by love..." Hajin paused, the bitterness on the last word tapered out into the void, before he shrugged and looked at Sarah again, smiling brightly. "By another person."

Sarah widened her eyes.

"If I do have to be owned by something...I want to be able to choose," Hajin said. "And I choose to be owned by you."

"You’re weird," Sarah frowned again. "I’m sorry, but...being enslaved by something," she shook her head. "That...that sounds wrong."

Of course, she knew Hajin only meant it metaphorically, not the real enslavement people had worked hard to eradicate. But, still...

Because if it were true, what about her, then? The thought of being enslaved by her revenge...

"It’s fine," Hajin chuckled. "I know a lot of people don’t like that kind of view. You don’t have to, but..." he shrugged, sounding nonchalant as always. "Well...what could I say? In the end, I’m my mother’s son."

The way he said it, Sarah could easily guess he didn’t really believe it at first. He even sounded bitter earlier, which made her wonder if it had something to do with why they were at odds before his mother returned to this country.

But he chose to believe it. He chose to devote himself to her as a way to pay his debt.

"Can’t you grant it for me, Master?"

Could she deny someone who sincerely wanted to help her?

"It won’t put you at a disadvantage."

That was true, but...

"At least, keep me until your revenge is done," Hajin sighed when his master kept making that stubborn, doubtful expression. "Once I’m sure you’re safe, you can do with me however you like."

Sarah pressed her lips. "Even if I discard you?"

"...yes."

It sounded heavy and restrained, but in the end, the affirmation was not latched by falsehood. Sarah exhaled heavily because she no longer had any excuses to deny the man’s heartfelt devotion.

No matter how heavy it was. No matter how undeserving she felt.

"In the meantime, you can use me however you like," Hajin whispered, and it felt like the man was getting even closer, even though he was already in front of her. "You can use me as a tool for your desire, even a physical one."

"What--"

"Even an act needs convincing," Hajin tilted his head so Sarah could see the mark she left on his neck the day before. "You’re already putting a hickey on me, so what’s preventing you from doing more?"

"That’s..."

Sarah took a stuttered breath, realizing then that she had been clutching onto Hajin’s shirt. As much as she liked to lie to herself, she could not deny that Hajin was a very, very attractive man.

And evidently, she was not immune to the man’s charm.

How many times had it been that she ended up feeling flustered by his words and acts? The flusters that, unfortunately, always came out if she wasn’t acting.

What was preventing her? Because she didn’t trust him? She could now. Or was it because she didn’t want to play with his heart? Hajin did say she could do it if she wanted.

Or...why? Was she afraid she would be swayed by her growing feelings?

It’s alright, Princess

Sarah widened her eyes slightly as the phantom voice resounded inside her head again.

You can just see it as gaining experience, nothing more

The voice was sweet, but also tinged with sorrow and pity. The lips uttering those words were shaped into a soft, understanding smile that overlapped with the lips of the man in front of her. The beautiful grey eyes softened just the same, like absolute temptation.

And slowly, before she knew it, she pressed her lips onto them, pulled by the gentle phantom voice caressing her mind. A soft, almost innocent kiss that felt like a feather.

Even so, both of them widened their eyes in surprise. Hajin, because he didn’t think Sarah would really make a move. Sarah, however, was surprised by something else.

It felt...familiar.

The lips, the kiss...it was as if she had experienced it before.

It’s not bad, isn’t it?

This time, she even heard her own phantom answer.

No, it’s not bad

It wasn’t bad, she said, deep inside her mind. Perhaps that was why she did not reject the second kiss, which Hajin initiated. It was deeper, harder, and she could feel the man’s large hands on the back of her head, as well as the small of her back.

The strangest part of it all was that...it didn’t feel wrong. For all of her doubt and denial, she fit right into Hajin’s embrace, just like how their lips fit onto each other’s. Warm, soft, and yet filled with thirst. Full of both caution and yearning.

It wasn’t just ’not bad’. Sarah had to admit that it was good. She couldn’t help it--the way she clutched the black shirt and leaned into the warm hold was enough proof. But that was exactly why--

Sarah pulled back, tearing herself from the kiss with a slight gasp.

She had trained herself to stop any indulgence. To focus on what she had to do, not what she wanted to do.

"Let’s go back," she released the shirt she had been gripping and turned her face away.

Hajin did not whine--he knew he had gotten more than he deserved. Though dreaming about it for years and alluding to it every day, he didn’t really expect to receive it that fast. And yet, it was hard to hold back from teasing her, especially with those flaming ears peeking out between red locks.

"To do what?" he whispered mischievously.

Sarah glared at him briefly. "Nothing!"

"Aww~"

"Shut up," she pressed her lips in embarrassment. It was one thing to ’try and gain experience’, but getting swept on it only showed her lack of discipline. She pointed at the bike with her chin and snapped. "Just drive."

"You don’t want to do it yourself, Master?" Hajin tilted his head.

"I’m tired. My bad leg can’t stand more of that clutch," Sarah sighed. And...she wasn’t sure she could concentrate on driving in her current state. "Hurry up!"

Hajin chuckled and made a bow. "Your wish is my command."

Oh, how annoying. But Sarah was glad she could feel annoyed at the man again. It was nicer when she could scowl and smack the man as usual, instead of being all flustered like a maiden swayed by tender affection.

No. She had no time for any romance. She had no room in her heart, nor a heart to give. She would not think about it, even if she hugged the man tightly as they sped up on the road back to the city.

Sarah sighed while laying her head on the broad, sturdy back of her bodyguard. Haa...she felt drunk. From how red her cheeks and ears were, the milk might as well have been laced with alcohol.

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