Beneath the Alpha's Moon
Chapter 42: Realization

Chapter 42: Realization

LUCIAN P.O.V.

The ache was unbearable. Three months had crawled by, each one more painful than the last, as if something was clawing at my chest from the inside. Rylan had warned me several times that breaking the mate bond was the deepest pain a werewolf could endure, but I hadn’t listened. I thought I could ignore it, bury it beneath my own trauma, the grief, the hatred I bore for my parents for taking away my childhood; it was a bitterness I wore like armor. But the emptiness she left behind was different. It was both physical and emotional, and it was slowly driving me to the edge. Now I could understand a bit how my father felt, although that didn’t excuse his actions.

I’d kept myself away from anything that had to do with Teresa, thinking I could move on, thinking that being with her would make me weak. But when the longing for her presence, even her voice became too sharp to ignore, I realized late that she didn’t make me weak, I did that to myself all alone. The saying: time heals all wounds was nothing but a big false. I thought adding a month to my two months of pain and longing would somehow help the pain be easier but if anything, it made it worse.

********

Sitting in the packed dining hall, I couldn’t ignore the thick hum of voices around me, the low laughter echoing off the walls like they had the right to enjoy themselves. It wasn’t that they shouldn’t—it was that I couldn’t. Every laugh, every smile, each glimmer of contentment around me felt like a slap to my face. They all had lives that moved forward, that found joy, while mine remained locked in a cycle of anger and regret. I couldn’t even breathe well, let alone swallow my food and here they were laughing their hats off.

My fists clenched as another burst of laughter shattered my thin patience. I didn’t know whose laugh it was, didn’t care. It sounded so happy that the sound crawled under my skin, and before I knew it, I was on my feet, hand slamming onto the table hard enough that it shook. Heads whipped around, conversations died mid-sentence, and all eyes were on me in an instant.

I didn’t bother with pleasantries."What’s so funny?" I snapped, my voice a low growl. "Answer me! Is your life so perfect that you’ve got time to laugh at the misery of others?!"

The silence was thick, suffocating. I could see them shrinking under my gaze, feeling the weight of my anger, my authority. None of them dared meet my eyes. And yet, instead of satisfaction, all I felt was this deep, churning anger and shame. I didn’t wait for an answer. I didn’t need one. Instead, I turned on my heel and stumped out of the hall, leaving a stunned, silent pack in my absence.

The minute I reached my office, Rylan was right behind me, a shadow and a friend I didn’t deserve but had anyway. I threw myself into my chair, feeling the weight of guilt settle heavily onto my shoulders. It wasn’t their fault. They deserved their laughter, their moments of joy. I just...I couldn’t bear to be around it.

Rylan crossed his arms, looking at me with a familiar, assessing gaze. "Lucian," he started gently, "Are you...alright?"

I scoffed, looking away. "Do I look alright to you, Rylan?"

He didn’t take the bait. He knew me too well for that. "Is Ares still silent?"

The question dug into me, making my chest feel heavy. I nodded, the admission somehow harder than I expected. Ares, my wolf, my other half... His silence was an ache I couldn’t explain, a void that seemed to grow each day. And Rylan knew it.

Sighing, I let my head drop back, staring up at the ceiling as if it held answers. "I... I need her back, Rylan. I can’t continue living like this. It’s... it’s pure torture." The words came out rough, unpolished, spilling from me before I could stop them.

Rylan’s face softened, relief glinting in his eyes. "Then go to her, Lucian. Beg if you have to. If she means that much to you..."

"She swore she’d never forgive me," I said, the bitterness heavy in my voice. "After what I did to her, the way I treated her...humiliated her... I don’t deserve her forgiveness."

His hand found my shoulder, a grounding touch that brought me back to the present. "Deserve it or not, you need to ask for it. Start there. Start with asking for forgiveness. Then earn it, piece by piece."

For the first time, I let a small sliver of hope creep into my heart. But fear was there, too, gnawing at the edges, the kind of fear that came from realizing how much power one person had over my happiness. Teresa...sweet, timid Teresa, who looked at me with eyes that always saw more than I wanted to reveal. I’d tried to keep her at arm’s length, tried to push her away with every ounce of sarcasm, every razor-edged comment, thinking that it would be better for me. But instead, I’d only destroyed any chance I had with her. Now, she was gone, leaving me alone with silence from the only part of me that understood her.

Rylan’s hand gripped my shoulder a little tighter. "I’ll go with you. We’ll face her together."

I met his eyes, letting gratitude soften my usual hardened mask. He had no reason to help me, no reason to care. But he was still here, pushing me forward when I would’ve stayed in this suffocating limbo forever. I swallowed, nodded, and managed a faint smile. "Thank you, Rylan."

In the silence that followed, I let myself imagine what it would be like to see her again, to look into her eyes and tell her the truth—the raw, unfiltered truth I’d been hiding behind walls of pride and fear. I wanted her to know...

The next morning I went with Rylan and Kenneth to ’Blackwood’s Creation’. I needed to see her badly. My hands were shaking as I got out of the car. Rylan gave me a reassuring nod as we made it to the front doors; but as soon as I stepped my foot into the building, I knew something was wrong.

"Where is she?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even. "Where’s Teresa?"

Kenneth looked shocked at my question then suddenly, he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in that moment. He swallowed hard, his gaze dropping to the floor.

"I didn’t know you were here to see Teresa, sir." I looked at him, my eyebrows raising with impatience and he swallowed hard.

"Sir... Teresa resigned," he stammered.

"She what?!" My voice was sharp, angrier than I intended, but the shock tore through me, sharp like glass. Rylan placed a hand on my shoulder trying to settle my anger but it was too late, I was now visibly shaking. "When?!" I yelled, "Why didn’t anyone inform me?!"

Kenneth hesitated, and the silence was deafening.

"A few months ago. I... I tried to tell you," Kenneth murmured, glancing up at me with a flicker of fear. "But... you were having that argument with her, and you said you didn’t want to hear her name. And then last month... she came to the headquarters office to see you."

I froze, every muscle in my body tensing. "She came to see me?"

"Yes." He shifted uncomfortably. "You were meeting with an Elder who’d come to discuss... a potential marriage alliance. I asked Teresa to wait in my office. But when the meeting was over, you told me you didn’t want to see anyone else that day."

The words slammed into me, and I felt the air leave my lungs. She came to see me. She was right there, waiting for me, and because of my own anger, my own pride, I never saw her. I knew I smelt her but I choked it up to the scent on her hairband. How could I have been so stupid?

"When I went back to tell her... she’d already left." Kenneth’s voice was a whisper now, as if he didn’t want to wound me any more than he already had.

I tried to keep my composure, but the fury—at myself, at my own damned pride—was roaring up inside me. My hands clenched into fists, nails digging into my palms as I fought to keep control in the lobby of the company. Everyone was watching me, whispering. The greeting party had arrived but I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything. I just wanted to scream, to tear the walls down. She had come to me, tried to bridge the gap I had created, and I pushed her away without even knowing.

"Find her," I rasped, barely able to force the words out. My voice trembled with barely restrained desperation. "Find her, Kenneth. I don’t care how you do it. Just... find her."

Kenneth nodded, his face pale, and quickly left, leaving me with Rylan and everyone else around but I felt a silence that was suddenly far too heavy to bear.

"Let leave, Lucian. You can’t be around people right now." Rylan said and then began to lead my frozen body out of the company.

Through out the ride back to the pack house, I was frozen, practically dead inside but my mind was moving at a hundred miles per second. Teresa left the company and I didn’t know. Teresa came to see me and I didn’t know that as well. What the hell did I know? What if something happened to her while I was being stupid? What if she was suffering or crying somewhere? What if...

Immediately we got back to the pack house, I made a beeline straight to my office with Rylan hot on my tail. Inside, I made a call straight to Kenneth. There was a short ring before he picked up.

"Did you find her?" I asked impatiently, gripping my phone so tightly that my knuckles turned white. When Kenneth’s voice came through, calm and matter-of-fact, I felt my stomach tighten.

"Sir," Kenneth began, "I found out that Ms. Teresa worked at a boutique after she quit the job at your company." His words echoed in my head, almost drowning in the weight of everything he wasn’t saying. I waited, barely breathing.

"And?" My voice was clipped, my patience already wearing thin.

"Well, she left that boutique job about a month ago," Kenneth continued, carefully. "She mentioned she’d found a better opportunity elsewhere. I checked her old apartment too—she’s not living there anymore."

A cold knot formed in my chest, spreading like frost. I leaned backward, gripping the edge of my desk. "So... where is she, Kenneth? Where did she go?"

Kenneth hesitated, and I could hear him taking a deep breath before he said, "Sir... she’s nowhere in the city. I think it’s very likely she left."

That sentence hung in the air like a slow poison. I felt my heart drop, and before I even knew what I was doing, I pressed the ’end call’ button with trembling fingers.

The next thing I knew, my phone was out of my hand, flying across the room, crashing against the wall with a sickening shatter. The sound bounced around the office, but it was muffled, distant. I was numb, rooted to the spot.

"Lucian!" Rylan’s voice snapped me back to reality. I had forgotten he was standing beside me. His hand landed gently on my shoulder, his face full of concern.

"Lucian, hey," he murmured, his tone soft. "It’s okay. We’ll figure it out."

I shook him off, my gaze locked on the shattered pieces of my phone. "No, Rylan, you don’t understand." My voice cracked, raw with frustration. "She’s gone. She’s... really gone."

Rylan’s face softened even more, but it only made me feel worse. His pity, his concern—everything just felt too much right now. "Lucian, maybe you need to take a breath. I know this is hard, but breaking things won’t bring her back."

I clenched my fists, the words slipping out before I could stop them. "Leave, Rylan. Just... go. I need to be alone."

Rylan looked hesitant, his mouth opening like he was about to protest, but he stopped, studying my face. "Lucian... are you sure?"

"Yes." My voice was barely more than a whisper. I wanted to scream, to rage, but there was only this hollow ache, stretching wider by the second. "I just need... a moment."

He looked at me, searching my eyes, then nodded slowly. "Alright. But I’ll be just outside if you need me, okay?"

I nodded, though I barely felt present. I watched him walk out, the door closing quietly behind him. The second I heard the click, I let myself collapse to the floor. I didn’t care anymore. The heartbreak I’d tried so hard to ignore was spilling over, a raw ache that made it hard to breathe.

"Ares," I whispered, my voice breaking. Ares was silent, locked behind walls of my own making. "Ares, I need you... please. I need you to find her. I’ll bring her back. I swear, I’ll never push her away again."

Silence. Not even the faintest whisper of Ares’s presence in my mind. My wolf, my constant companion, had turned his back on me. And I didn’t blame him. I’d driven away our mate. I’d driven away the one person who made us whole, and now Ares was punishing me in the only way he knew.

I sank down, clutching my chest, trying to stop the heavy ache that pulsed there. It felt like my heart was tearing itself apart. I called out to him again, the desperation mounting in my voice, pleading, begging.

"Ares, please... don’t do this. Don’t leave me like this." My voice cracked, and I sank to my knees, feeling the weight of my mistakes bearing down on me. "I’ll fix this. I swear, I’ll make things right with her. Just... please, come back. Don’t leave me alone."

No answer. Nothing but the cold emptiness of my own mind.

I don’t remember when I finally passed out, the exhaustion overtaking me. All I know is that when I woke, the ache was still there, like a wound that would never heal.

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