Beers and Beards
Book 4: Chapter 40: Medals and Monarchs

The next week was a mix of high octane stress and low energy crashes as Tree rebuilt. It was surprising how little damage had actually been done given the scope of the Stampede – almost all the carnage was localized to the Palace, and most of the dead were elves.

In fact, there were even rumours being bandied about that the Tender Sprites were purposefully going out of their way to only kill elves.

Which was nonsense, of course.

And then to top it off, news suddenly came down that the Elven king had been deposed. This wasn’t a new thing, their King constantly switched around, but what made it different this time was that he was ‘deposed’, not ‘replaced’. Questions abounded. Why had he been deposed? Who would replace him? Would it be one of the Generals in charge of the assault on the palace? Would it be the palace [Gardener]? Would it be some obscure child of the king’s fifth uncle’s cousin's potted plant?

And then to top everything off, it was announced that Balin and I were being awarded a medal.

In short, chaos reigned.

Because the new King was named chaos. Nyuck.

I mean, not actually, but that would’ve been funny.

Duke Schist and I talked long and hard about it. Technically, an award could be seen as bribery. However, the events leading up to Balin and myself receiving the Order of the Mithril Bough were a matter of worldwide news. Nobody was going to say we didn’t deserve it.

And so I found myself kneeling before the new king of the Elves, who was most definitely not named chaos.

—

“Rise, Lord Roughtuff, and our Golden Hero of Light.” His Royal Majesty. King Elijah intoned, standing from his fancy golden tree throne and walking down the stairs. He looked quite regal when doing so, at least compared to the last guy.

I did my best to hold back a grin. We’d spent a lot of time with Elijah in the inn over the past year, listening to tales of Cascadia, and it was odd seeing him all dressed up playing King. Well, not playing, but it was hard not to see it as dress up.

“You may approach the throne!” The majordomo shouted.

Balin and I dutifully walked forward until the Majordomo motioned at us to stop. Unlike the first time we’d been here, the throne room was packed. Every elven and dwarven noble in the city was here, along with most of the other dignitaries. They were even paying attention.

“Lord Roughtuff of Crack, and Balin Roughtoff of Crack,” King Elijah intoned, “you stand before me as heroes of Awemedinand, who, in our hour of need, gave of your home, your wealth, and your lives. For this, the people of Tree give our heartfelt thanks.”

So saying, Elijah bent at the waist, giving a small formal bow, and the majority of the elves in the room swept down in full head to toe genuflection. Beside me, Balin stiffened; he still wasn’t good at all this.

Elijah held up his hand and another guard approached us holding a platter. On it was a medal made of blueish-white metal, shaped in a design somewhat reminiscent of a celtic tree of life. Balin and I bent our heads out so Elijah could step forward and slip them onto our necks.

“You two are the first dwarves to receive this honour. The first non-elf was the human hero Ulysses Fourpwood, the Master of Melee, and first Archon of the Free Nation of Grandia. The Order of the Mithril Bough is presented to those who have provided an unbreakable branch for the citizens of Awemedinand to hang their trust upon. It is granted only to those whose names are sung by every sapling, elf, and tree. On that day, in our darkest hour, as monsters swept through the very heart of our home, you provided us solace. Mere words cannot express our gratitude, and so we thank you.”

*Bing!*

Stat Increased: [Charisma]!

Your Charisma has increased by 1! Your new Charisma is 24!

There’d been some noble titles and cash offered as well, but those we’d turned down. Rats.

With shiny new anchors firmly around our necks, Elijah stepped back and the Majordomo motioned that we were dismissed. We stepped back from the throne and were escorted to a small private chamber off from the main room. It notably wasn’t the usual entry antechamber, but instead a near duplicate just off to the side. As we closed the heavy double doors behind us, we could just make out the Majordomo announcing the next group to receive rewards, ‘The adventurers who helped in the retaking of the Palace’.

“Ugh,” Balin moaned, collapsing on the plush couch. “If I knew when I became yer brother that I was gonna be paraded in front of every damn noble of a foreign country, I’dve told ya to get stuffed.”

“What, you donnae like being wined and dined by royalty? Though I admit I could use more of tha wine and less of tha dine these days.” I chuckled, walking over to the coffee table and popping a grape into my mouth. I picked a bottle from the table and examined it. “Hey, this is our cider.”

“Guess they think we like it then.”

I shrugged. “Eh, not so much. It’s not easy being green.”

“... was that one of those references of yers?”

“Maybe.”

Balin smiled and nodded. I sneered and nodded back.

Our cider was definitely a hit, and my influence quests were now ramping up fast as people in Awemedinand and Crack heard about the recent events, and decided to try out Thirsty Goat brews.

Dwarven Influencer Part 9/10

The dwarves need your help. Influence 4,000,000 dwarves with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Dwarves Influenced: 3,131,124/4,000,000

Rewards: 1 x Deific Intervention

Gnomish Influencer Part 8/10!

Stolen novel; please report.

The gnomes need your help. Influence 2,000,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 1,924,456/2,000,000

Rewards: [Tools of the Trade]

Elven Influencer 7/10

Dunno how well this gonna go with just beer, to be honest.

Maybe some wine?

Elves Influenced: 23,412/1,000,000

Rewards: +1 Vitality

Human Influencer Part 6/10

Giants have giant tastes, and I’m looking forward to a beer that can satisfy them!

Humans Influenced: 35,124/100,000

Rewards: +0.5 Wisdom

The reward for my hard work (or rather, everyone else’s hard drinking) was an ‘Improved Mana Pool’, [Friend: Humans], and half a point each of wisdom and strength. Testing had revealed that I could now cast [Gluten to Bacon] a few extra times each hour, which was nice, but nothing to write home about.

We sat there for about an hour uninterrupted, until a pair of uniformed guards entered from the throne room. They swept the room, then motioned for us to sit before taking up spots adjoining the couch across from us. A moment later Elijah entered, followed by another two guards. He stumbled over to the couch then collapsed into it. He hugged a pillow and whimpered.

One of the guards next to the couch coughed.

“Hard job?” I asked.

“You don’t know the half of it, you absolute egg.” Elijah groaned. “This entire thing is a nightmare. I’d rather be facing down Tentaclio than all my cousins. Now, how about you piss off, ya hardups? I’m the most dangerous person in the room, and the other two are heroes. I’ll be fine.”

He waved the guards away, and they left, albeit reluctantly.

“I mean you are a royal. Isn't it in yer blood?” I asked, picking up another canape and munching on it.

“In my blood,” Elijah snorted and sat up. He tried to pull the crown off his head, but it got caught on his antlers. He yanked and wiggled it, then gave up. He poured himself a big glass of cider and downed it, his crown still dangling forlornly. “What do you know about how the King is chosen?”

“A mysterious council chooses the King based on a nebulous criteria,” I quoted from the history book I’d been given by Duke Barnes. “Nobody but the Elven royal family knows how. Sometimes, the King is even chosen from those outside of the family, and then they and their family are inducted into the palace as new nobility.” I thought back to a half-remembered conversation with Joseph and activated [Flash of Insight] “But that’s not the whole story, is it? The [Mother Tree] is involved somehow.”

“Yes, yes, it’s no big secret. The reality is that the king is whomever [Mother Tree] chooses. Usually whoever has the most skill in talking with plants, such as a highly specialized [Cultivator], like an [Arborist].” Elijah grumbled. “Our previous King, His Most Royal Majesty Ezrael Bower, was a favourite of the old biddy.”

“I admit I’m a bit confused,” I pleaded. “We’re talking about the elf who founded the country, right? Her Ability is projecting the tree, but she isn’t actually the tree, or do I have that wrong?”

Elijah took another sip. “You’ve never met a truly ancient elf, have you? No, she’s also a tree. A half senile, annoyinglyoptimistic tree. She always sees the best in people even when they’re all rotten. Hence how Ezrael got in. And look where that got her!”

“Oh?” I shuffled forward to sit on the edge of the couch. “Is this where I get to hear the juicy gossip on what happened with the old King?”

“Do I really want ta be here fer this?” Balin asked, hesitantly. “Anythin’ that makes Pete that excited has me nervous. Do I really want to know?”

Ezrael leaned back onto the couch and sipped from his glass of cider. “Yes, you really should. Especially since much of it is due to you two. You see, ‘His Royal Majesty’ was attempting to usurp and kill [Mother Tree].”

Now I did the spit take. “What! Isn’t she responsible for almost all the spells and enchantments on the city? All the growth spells, and the fancy ‘come back to life in a day’ trick? Isn’t she worth like, half of yer annual gdp??”

*Bing!*

Quest: Kill the Mother Tree!

Kill the mother tree!

Mother tree Slain: 0/1

Rewards: [Unstoppable], Deific Intervention x 1

Do you accept?

Yes / No

“No, SHUT UP, Solen, or whoever! I’m never going to do it!” I snapped, clicking on No.

Elijah blinked then looked at Balin. “Should I be concerned that he just told one of the Gods to shut up?”

Balin shrugged. “Nah, he does it all tha time.”

“I see. I suppose that makes sense, given what I now fully understand.” Elijah gave me a sardonic salute. “Does being Chosen by the Gods put one above a monarch in station?”

“Feels more like being a power bottom,” I growled. “I’m not the topic of discussion right now. He was trying to kill the foundation of your entire country??”

Elijah nodded. “We don’t think he planned the Stampede. That event is still very unclear, especially the Tender Sprite’s odd behaviour. However, once it started, he did everything in his power to extend it. To try and give the Sprites the time they needed to raze the Palace to the ground, hoping they would kill [Mother Tree] in the process.”

“Tha missin’ support,” Balin gasped.

Elijah nodded. “That’s why the army was late for their bombardment. Ezrael was trying to get us all killed.”

I felt a chill. “That… that’s horrible Elijah!”

“Yes, hence why he’s no longer King, and *I* as the hero of the hour, have taken his place. The army was this close to revolting, Lord Roughtuff.”

I pulled at my beard. “I didn’t know you spoke plant.”

“I don’t. I’ve been told that in order to patch up the problems left behind by Ezrael, I just need to do my best at being myself, and I’ll be able to hang up the crown in a few decades. Which means no adventuring in a brand new dungeon for me.”

“Ach, that’s rough. Sorry.” Balin grimaced. “And we were so close ta fightin’ tha Gooooose.”

Elijah groaned. “I know. But, my team can still fight without me. They’ll be happy to join you.”

Balin looked briefly unsure, but his gaze firmed and he nodded resolutely. “Aye. We’ll need ta give ‘em a month ta get up to speed fightin’ with us first.”

“Fair. And now, I’m afraid I must leave you. I still have much to do. Thank you again for all your help.” With that, Elijah gave us some fist bumps and swept out of the room, picking his guards up again as he passed through the door.

“Well,” Balin said, as he popped another grape into his mouth. “At least he’s better than the old one.”

No disagreement here.