Anthesis of Sadness
Chapter 230: That Which I Left Unsaid

Chapter 230: That Which I Left Unsaid

I hadn’t noticed it right away — not because it was imperceptible, not because it was hiding, but because it interrupted nothing. No sound, no movement, no thought was disturbed by its presence. It had slipped into the thread of hours like a fine condensation on the skin, imperceptible at first, but already there, lodged in the hollow of sensations, between breath and the threshold of language — already there, as if it were the world itself that had decided to settle inside me without warning, in a form so gentle it passed for natural, for neutral, for nothing. There had been no eruption, no tearing, no revelation. Only the exact continuity of what I had become: a porous space, inhabited, crossed, without defense. And yet, something, somewhere, had begun to speak — within me, through me, without me.

It wasn’t a voice. Nor a possession. Nor even an identifiable echo. It wasn’t a scream, nor a verbalized memory, nor a foreign intention. It was a soft form, fluid, mingled with my breath like a second discreet respiration, interwoven with the very fabric of my silences — a calm vibration, almost stunned, as if it didn’t yet know whether it had the right to express itself. A suspended presence, curled up in the breath like a wounded animal crouched between two silences — already inscribed in the density of my vital rhythm, which at times, when the alert dissolved, when the world around became more blurred, slower, more permeable, slid into my throat and spoke in my place.

But not with its own words. Not with an unknown lexicon or foreign phrases. No. It spoke with my lips. My tone. My breath. But it wasn’t my thoughts. It wasn’t my wounds. It wasn’t even my pain. They were graver words, older, truer than anything I could have uttered — full phrases, anchored, threaded through with a nameless memory, that seemed to have been waiting forever for a body in which to be spoken, without rage, without urgency, but with that kind of certainty that doesn’t need to be learned.

And that shift, at first imperceptible, had changed something. Not in my thoughts. But in the very angle through which the world passed through me.

I knew it one morning — or rather: in what resembled a morning here, in that suspended light, white, without warmth or direction, where every surface seemed to breathe in silence, as if time itself had stopped to become space. I had just passed through a dry tunnel, populated with fossilized vines, whose skins cracked under my steps like abandoned molts, and in a shadowy fold, in the corner of a recess I never should have noticed, it was there.

A form. Curled up. Broken. Not hostile — but withdrawn, closed like a pain that no longer tries to flee, only to survive. It didn’t move. It barely breathed. But it was there. Motionless. As if frozen for so long that time itself had given up counting. Its skin seemed made of night. A night that no longer shone. And something in me drew closer. Without decision. Without fear. Without even will. A soft, sad, grave impulse passed through me — a cold tenderness, foreign, distilled into my fibers like a memory that wasn’t mine, but that I couldn’t push away. A tenderness that asked nothing of me, except not to look away.

My throat hadn’t moved. But my breath had changed. It had hollowed out. Stretched. As if an invisible breach had opened, just enough for something to pass through. Just enough to let speak what had been waiting for me.

And then, without thinking, without choosing, my lips had spoken.

But they weren’t my words. I hadn’t formed them. I hadn’t summoned them. They had come. Calmly. Slowly. With that strange precision of things that have never needed to be learned. Whole phrases. Woven. Perfect. Impossible to improvise. Words like gestures on a wound. Words that asked for forgiveness without even naming the fault. Words so ancient they seemed to have waited, for centuries, for the exact shape of this pain to finally settle upon. They repaired nothing. But they acknowledged. They named without hurting. And that was enough.

And the form, it hadn’t fled. It had opened its eyes.

And I, standing there, stunned by the silence that had followed my own words, had understood. Understood that I was no longer the only one inhabiting this voice. That something in me, already inscribed, already breathing, was lending my mouth its most just phrases. Not in moments of strength. Not in outbursts. But in those moments where I would have had nothing to say. Where silence would have been my only answer. Where my tongue, too human, would have gone mute for fear of harming what was before me.

And it wasn’t violent. It wasn’t unsettling. It wasn’t mystical. It was... calm. Calm like an ancient acceptance. Calm like a truth coming from far away, that no longer needs to justify itself. A cohabitation without shock, without correction, without claim. A fluid memory that had settled there, in the body, to exist just enough, just what was needed, without eclipsing, without invading — only to speak.

And this body... it was mine.

I didn’t know if I was worthy of it. I didn’t know if it was a gift or a contagion. I didn’t even know if it was reversible. But I knew — in that mute zone between the ribs, where one feels without naming — that I was no longer a closed entity. That another breath, rooted in my fibers, spoke in my place when I no longer had the strength, or the rightness. And that breath... didn’t replace. It accompanied. It completed. It covered the breaches without closing them.

Since that day, I sometimes find myself waiting.

Not to provoke it.

But to listen for the moment when its urgency will rise.

As if a part of me had accepted to fade gently, to open, to let that foreign voice finally say what I’ve never known how to formulate.

What I carried within me wasn’t trying to be seen.

It was trying to be said.

It wasn’t seeking the light. It wasn’t even seeking an ear. It only wanted a form. An articulation. A passage.

Once.

Then again.

Not to convince.

Not to survive.

But to inscribe itself — into air, into matter, into being.

And in those moments... I am nothing but a threshold. A passage. A borrowed breath. An inhabited mouth. A body made available to a memory that wants nothing more than this crossing.

And it is not a loss.

It is not a giving up of self.

It is a new form of inhabiting.

A way of existing that doesn’t begin with me, but which nonetheless chooses me to speak.

And sometimes, when I stop, when I close my eyes, I still feel that breath line up against mine, like a second discreet lung, from another world but tuned to my own.

And that is enough.

Not to define me.

But to justify the next step.

And that walk, even silent, even endless... is already becoming a word.